Parental preference and possessive toddler causing stress

[AutumnMaple]

Our 2 year old daughter 26 months to be exact has become a daddy’s girl and it seems to have taken on a new level of attachment to the point that it’s causing stress and lopsided parental responsibilities.

I 31F and a stay at home mother and my husband 29M is a full time working parent. I think this is playing a roll here as she doesn’t get to see him as often so I’m old news as she knows I’m always gonna stick around.

Here’s the thing though he works at home. But DD still has a full blown melt down when he goes to work. She will literally get upset to the point of making herself vomit when he goes to work. Lately it’s taken an hour to calm her down.

Whenever he’s off work Husband is the cook of the family. I can cook but he enjoys it and prefers to cook full time but it’s gotten to an extreme where DD wants his full attention 24/7 and she will whine and cry the entire time he is cooking to the point that it is stressful and we both now dread dinner time.

Any care task that requires parental assistance (such as putting on shoes for example) she’s been demanding that daddy do it not mommy. She even threw a tantrum because even though I’ve handled her baths since she was born for obvious reasons she decided daddy should take baths with her from now on and got upset when he made it very clear that he was not comfortable taking a bath with her and she was taking a bath with mommy whether she liked it or not.

When she is sick she ONLY wants him. She gets upset when I hug or kiss him and pushes me away. If we sit next to each other and my arm brushed his she says “Nooooooo” and starts aggressively pushing me away from him and clings to him possessively. She has been refusing to hold my hand, hug and kiss goodnight and I would be lying if I said it wasn’t starting to hurt my feelings a bit!

I think I expected some degree of jealousy but this seems next level.

I have started to feel a bit guilty when my husband is off work because a lot of the onus of parenting has fallen on my husband’s shoulders and I feel like lately I’m just the grunt parent who handles on the side work like packing bags, prepping the stroller, making snacks and so on but none of the actual parenting. The other day we walked to the store and on the way back she was wandering away so I picked her up and she started shoving away from me and crying so husband took over but I felt awful because his back was killing him and I knew he could have used the break.

I know I’m not supposed to take this personally because it’s natural for them to prefer one parent but she used to naturally kind of bounce back and forth every 2-3 months between mommy phases and daddy phases. So I thought eventually she would get back to a mommy phase if I just waited but it’s been 5 months and it seems like it’s just getting more extreme. I think I could accept it if she was just a daddy’s girl but she actually seems a bit like she really hates me. She doesn’t even want me to touch her. She used to be so cuddly too. I wonder why it feels like a competition these days? 😕

We have tried increasing one on one told with her and dad but that seems to exasperate things actually. DH so far has been very supportive. He tells her he doesn’t like it when she’s mean to mommy or pushes me away. He tells her to say sorry. We don’t force hugs and kisses but he does tell her to say “goodnight mommy”. So far she really hasn’t budged much though. Perhaps we’ve missed something idk.

Oof you poor thing! Sounds awful. What's she like when you're alone together?

I dont really have much advice but ds has gone through a much watered down version of what you're experiencing (preference for me and then dislike for dh - I think its jealousy. Same with your dd, because she wants your dh she's then jealous whenever he shows you affection/attention which manifests itself as dislike for you). I always tell ds off if he's mean or rude to dh and I would get your dh to do that with your dd. It's acceptable to have preferences and feelings but it is not acceptable to openly dislike, be mean or bully someone which is what your dd is doing. I also wouldn't modify my behaviour with dh so we would still cuddle/hold hands etc and if ds didn't like it he could lump it!

DB went through what you're describing and it was really sad - his ds wanted his mum only and seemed to really dislike db. Quite heartbreaking but my nephew is now 4 and although he still prefers his mum he does have a lovely relationship with his dad. Hang in there. It will get better.

Could you take her out for a walk or a trike/bike ride at the times when she is struggling most, such as when your DH is cooking dinner and starting work?

These phases do pass, and it is really common for them to take the SAHP completely for granted and hero worship the one who is at work all day because they are not there some of the time. It can feel hurtful but it is not intended that way. I'm sure she will grow out of it soon, but until then it's about finding ways to manage your family time in a way that is more balanced.

Just an update. I’m so sorry I haven’t replied yet. I had a family emergency and have been in the hospital. It looks like we’ve all come down with a pretty terrible flu and little one has been running a high fever of 40. I do appreciate your replies. I will get around to looking at them but might be slow to reply because we all feel terrible. 😅

She even threw a tantrum because even though I’ve handled her baths since she was born for obvious reasons she decided daddy should take baths with her from now on and got upset when he made it very clear that he was not comfortable taking a bath with her and she was taking a bath with mommy whether she liked it or not

Firstly, this is really weird!

But aside from that, it's really tough when they're like this.

The WFH thing is a problem for all children, they don't understand WFH, just the mummy/daddy are in the house ignoring them for hours each day. If at all possible your DH needs to go to an office/coffee shop/hub...somewhere that she can't see him/hear him. Once this is sorted the rest will likely get easier because she won't be experiencing this nightmare where he's around but she can't be with him.

With the cooking it's the same thing. He obviously can't leave, but you can. Take her for a walk to the shop/round the block/to the park etc.

When you're together let him be the main parent for a while, he'll still get less time than you do if you're home all week.

How’s it going op? We are in a similar situation at the moment and it’s really stressful and upsetting. My two and a half year old developed her preference for dad about a year ago and it’s got worse and worse to the point of complete rejection of me and completely clinging to him.

I feel rejected and dad feels overwhelmed. We have tried everything. She is fine with me if it’s just us but when we are both together at home or out it’s pervasive. 😞

Why can't she be bathed by dad? Neither of you need to be in the bath with her! Although dad could with swim shorts or just pants. Tho how is there space for her to splash around and play with ab adult in with her?

Take her out, either outside or upstairs when dad is cooking!