Will these qualities effect him being a good father?

[amanda2k4]

I have a fiancé that is GREAT with his niece and nephew, patient, makes an effort to see them a lot, helps them ride there bikes, spends money on them, and generally seems good with them for eg once the niece had a tantrum he look her off and carried her for an hour/was patient to calm her down etc.

Now, he IS NOT patient with anything else in life, eg, me, work, driving, etc. Generally admits he has a low tolerance for 'BS'. Another thing that concerns me, is he smokes weed occasionally (few times a week) and on these times he wakes up really grouchy. On the weekends, he will sleep from midnight until 10/11am and blames having a job where he is on his feet all day, but I believe it is the weed making him sleep more. Me on the other hand, prefer getting up early, 8/9am going for a nice walk with the dogs and getting out and about. He says I can always do these things without him, which is true, but obviously not the same. I haven't seen him run out of patience around kids, but then again, he is only with them for a day max.

My worry, is that, having kids - the one thing that goes out the window is SLEEP. and the main thing you need is PATIENCE. He says it will be different because they will be HIS kids that HE WANTED and he will WANT to wake up early to take them out etc etc. I really cannot see him waking up to do night feeds etc, when he gets really snappy and moody whenever stress comes into his life, or he has broken sleep, for eg he had a 4 hour overnight flight he didn't sleep on and did not want to talk to anyone (otherwise an argument would of happened) because he was so tired he had to go straight to sleep etc.

I guess my question is - what qualities did you see in your husband prior to kids that made you think he would be a good father/or mums - what qualities do you know appreciate/wish you had/most important for a father to your children?

So your partner is

snappy and moody when he is stressed or tired

has no patience for anyone he feels is less competent that he is or is learning something

is happy to lie in bed until lunchtime and let you get up and see to the dogs

doesn’t see anything wrong with leaving you to do the work while he sleeps

prioritises weed over you ( a few times a week is not occasional)

Only does stuff that he WANTS to do.

Do you honestly think that he’s good father material ? Seriously ?

I have never said this before but I stopped reading after no patience with me and had to start again.

No, I would not have children with or marry this man.

I was married twenty years and together twenty five before we managed to have children and my goodness it tested us.

He is not your life partner.

OP, I say this kindly but, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!

He is very likely to have less patience with his own kids and you will tie yourself in knots trying to make up for his lacking.

Please do your future self a favour and save yourself, and any children, the heartache from what is a rather predictable situation. Look at what he is showing you, not the words that come out of his mouth. You can do better than this if you want children OP.

It's easy to be on your best behaviour with nieces and nephews. Parenting, on the other hand, is 24/7 RELENTLESS.

The weed smoking is a big no no.

The lack of patience with you would translate to the kids too.

You don't get any sleep, so if he likes a lie in, you'll get resentful.

He needs to be unselfish. He needs to be able to put you and the kids first, in every situation, every single time.

If he doesn't do this for you, don't have kids with him.

its funny you mention the put you first thing, because I never quite feel he puts me first but I cannot put my finger on why. It might be that I can never say anything bad about his weed smoking friends who aren't good parents, he gets defensive, or anyone in his life really. I have to keep my opinions to myself. I must admit he has cut the weed down to weekends only, but yes resentfulness is a real thing. he will probably complain he has worked all week, and i havent.

its funny you mention the put you first thing, because I never quite feel he puts me first but I cannot put my finger on why. It might be that I can never say anything bad about his weed smoking friends who aren't good parents, he gets defensive, or anyone in his life really. I have to keep my opinions to myself. I must admit he has cut the weed down to weekends only, but yes resentfulness is a real thing. he will probably complain he has worked all week, and i havent.

I wouldn't call being grouchy and short tempered, qualities. I think he'll make a shit parent .

I couldn't ever procreate with a druggie. I just couldn't. His other issues just compound it. Don't tie yourself to this man by having children with him.

thanks - i totally agree RE the putting me first. out of interest, which part of my story indicated that he doesnt? (you aren't wrong!) I often do not feel like he puts me first, even sometimes with friends. I have said he doesn't seem ready to marry or have kids, but he seems to really want to get married.

Lots of men want to be married. Perhaps because they feel it’s some sort of sign of adulthood or status, that it will make people respect them more.

Others are keen to get a woman committed to them, they think it will give them more control over her, that she will stop going out with her friends / dress differently / do more house work as she is a “ married woman “.

None of these things mean they will be a good husband or father.

In short, yes.

He's a Disney Uncle.

He smokes weed.

He has a temper.

Do not have children with this man.

End the relationship if your mental health is important to you.

I grew up around a lot of liars and because of that I very much believe in actions over words. Forget the words coming out of his mouth. What are his actions showing you? Believe those nothing else.

What concerns me is less the lack of patience than what seems like low motivation. He sounds like he'll say he'll do things, but won't follow through.

He sounds like the post kids version of my stbxh, not a man you want to have kids with.