I didn’t know where to post this, because it could be one of a few issues - menopause, disability (mine and dc’s) or others.
In the last few months I’ve had increasing signs of perimenopause. At the same time it feels like a switch has been flicked and I’m finding being a mother incredibly difficult.
For context there’s a chance there’s an element of compassion fatigue as well.
The last 12 years have been full on, sheer hard work, with few rewards. I don’t want to overload with details (I’m also autistic and my default setting is to share everything!), but they were highly traumatic years, borderline abuse (child to parent), a marriage break up, and whilst there are issues ongoing it’s much more settled and peaceful now.
I was on antidepressants for a few years but have now been off them for about a year. I’ve been working on my mental health and I generally feel fine now. I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time. I don’t feel depressed or anxious at all.
My issue is with my youngest. Nearly 13. He’s now on the diagnostic pathway for ASD. He’s very different to older ds, in that he’s not violent at all. His thing is monologuing and being sad and anxious (just like his father!).
For some reason that I can’t identify or understand, I’m really struggling with him, and finding it difficult to be the mother he needs/deserves. I am the mother he needs in actions - although I’m zoning out during the monologues - I am there for him, I do everything that I need to do, but I’m not feeling it. It’s like all maternal feelings have been switched off.
If I had the chance to leave I wouldn’t because I know that would be wrong, but I’d want to, and that feels wrong (if you see what I mean).
Why is this happening and how can I fix it?