Son keeps hitting

[DM1720]

Hi so my son (just turned age 6) has a habit of hitting others. He hits me and his dad and his brother. He did hit out in crèche and we just assumed it was a phase and he was young. We thought he’d grow out of it. We talked to him always about using gentle hands and not to hurt others. He started school last year and it happened a few times (that we know of) but since going back this September it’s gotten out of hand. He’s hitting his close friends and last week one of our neighbours got in touch to say he’d hit their little girl and pulled her hair.
Has anyone been through this? Any advice? I’m so stressed about it. We read books about what to do when you feel like hitting. We talk to him all the time about being kind to others. I’ve explained he’ll lose all his friends if he continues. Nothing works and I’m so upset about jt. Any advice welcome!
My husband has suggested taking things from him… e.g. his new scooter, his Lego etc… and only giving back once he earns them with good behaviour. Does this kind of thing work?

Does he show any other unusual behaviours?

How does he cope with his emotions generally?

What triggers the hitting? Anger? Excitement? Overwhelm? Anxiety? Is it worse when he's hungry/tired/stressed etc.

What sort of discipline do you already use when he hits you, his dad or his brother at home?

He definitely finds it hard to regulate his emotions. He probably finds it hard to identify them first and then can get overwhelmed quite easily.

Often the trigger when he lashes out at me is if he’s not getting his own way. He’ll lash out at his brother for normal sibling stuff … “he took my toy” etc. I’ve seen him on the road hitting and it’s for no apparent reason… just maybe feeling a bit overwhelmed at the social situation and this is how he deals with it…

What consequences are there for him hitting? After considering a need for support in managing his temper ? Mine used to take very dramatic deep breaths and walk away, but they were a little younger.

By age six it was eh more verbal hits they were delivering 😏.

I would give immediate big impact consequences on him hitting and support him in noticing his triggers.

I’m probably not consistent with my discipline approaches. I try to ignore or deal calmly with as much as possible and focus on the positive behaviour more.

So my husbands wants to start punishing by removing his favourite toys etc. Is this what works? I’ve never been a fan of this unless he was using said toy to hurt others! Otherwise what’s the connection between the two….

You shouldn’t just be ignoring him hitting people. I don’t understand all the stuff about ignore bad behaviour and reward good, it makes no sense to me. I’ve removed items off my children over the years and it’s worked but then so has sending them to sit on the stairs or to their bedrooms to think about what they had done. The punishment needs to fit the crime if that makes sense.
If mine are playing up or not doing what they should be starting to count to 3 also works well, they know there will be consequences if I get to 3. I can count on 1 hand how many times I’ve got 3 and it still works now on my 13 year old.

Yes take high value item away. Not understanding at six would be unusual. Generally 3 years up can comprehend if I do X I lose Y.

What form of discipline have you being using to date? If it is simply saying don't do it and use kind hands then you really need to engage some hard hitting consequences.

@ShineBright1209 in my experience the encouraging good behaviour can work in undesirable behaviour, rudeness etc.

Whereas if it is unacceptable behaviour (hitting) then I felt appropriate to issue punishment, no treats, remove favourite toy etc.

Always explain what will happen follow through with the consequence get an apology and acknowledgement of their behaviour before toy returned.

It seems there have never been consequences for hitting.

Talk less. Tell him, hitting is wrong, if he hits anyone, he will be punished and lose things he loves and not be allowed activities he enjoys such as tv or other screens.
And do it.

Seriously , he is 6!

I looked after a couple of children that hit out. I said to them sit on the comfy chair in the hall and sit on your hands for a few minutes to reflect what you've done. 7 mi Ute's later I ask them why they just hurt their best friend.

If he's playing in the street and hitting children then the natural consequence of that would be to not let him play out there anymore. Or to watch him and bring him back in as soon as you see him hit someone. He'll hopefully learn that if he wants to play outside he can't hit people.

Ignoring attention seeking behaviour like a temper tantrum might work but ignoring violent behaviour is a terrible idea and also unfair to the children on the receiving end of it as they do not get the privilege of ignoring his hitting! How on earth is that fair? What it’s okay because they’re little kids and they will just “get over it?”. If someone punched you at work should your boss ignore it and hope it goes away?

Mommy up and come down on him immediately as this is unacceptable! I do not believe that an indirect approach like removing toys is going to be effective at all. You need to show him this is serious behaviour. The punishment needs to be switch and immediate. If he’s playing on the playground for instance immediately remove him.

I would not tolerate this because I would never allow a baby wife beater to grow up in my home. This is how it starts. Treat it as such!

My friend‘s son used to hit and she ignored it. It meant us not speaking for two years as my son was on the receiving end all the time.
You can’t ignore it.
When my older kids hit (which happened maybe 1/2 times each) I treated it with zero tolerance and told them so. Happened in toddler groups. We immediately left. And I told them that they don’t get to play with others if they hit them. It worked. They were toddlers.
Your son is 6. Don’t tolerate this anymore.

This and OP needs to ask herself how she should feel when they hit back and hit back hard? She brought it in herself by looking the other way and not dealing with it. She can’t expect these kids to just tolerate being physically bullied forever. He’s growing up and one day someone’s kid is going to end up in the hospital. It could be her son or it could be the other kid or both! Either way it’s not going to be good no matter how it happens got to escalate. It’s only a matter of time!

You have been way too lenient on him, all this gentle parenting does not work to remedy bad behaviour! I dealt with ds's brief low level violent behaviour when he was two and he learned quickly not to do it. You make it absolutely clear the behaviour is not acceptable and you withdraw emotionally, instantly. Kind hands nicey language gives them no clue how deeply unacceptable hitting is. I had a friend who in that scenario would cuddle the child when reprimanding him - it didn't work at all, the child had no clue he'd done anything wrong. If he carries on as an adult he'd get a criminal record, remember. I'd read a book on parenting, what you've been doing isn't working at all and it's harming other children.

Nothing gentle about it for the kids getting punched is it?

Come down like a ton of bricks - this should have been nipped in the bud years ago.

A child of six should not be using violence to get his own way.

PP are right- this is a potential future wife beater who will lash out in ''frustration'' unless you stop it right now, or he will one day hit the wrong child who will retaliate harder and faster and give him a bloody nose...or worse.

Any violence, bring him indoors at once, take away toys and privileges.

Violence can't be seen to pay off.

What’s his language skills like? Can you help him learn to express his feelings? You can do this by labelling emotions, role modelling appropriate behaviour and talking through solutions … ‘I feel so tired and frustrated, I wanted to go to the cafe but don’t have enough time, I’ll have a cup of tea when I get home instead’

also start to give him a choice between two things so he feels he has some control ‘would you prefer a shower or bath’ …. Would you like to leave the park in 5 or 10 minutes’

Your current non punishment approach is what I'd do with a hitting toddler, but at 6 it's clearly not working. Unless there's SEN you haven't mentioned, he should be able to understand not to hit, so I would be punishing the behaviour.

He's big enough that hitting could actually hurt people now, so until you get passed this, you need to stick to him like glue, and prevent it. If that means he's not able go off in the playground by himself or go round to friends houses, then that's the natural consequence of his actions. If he hits while your out, you need to go home immediately, and explain to him that you can't do anymore of the fun activity today, because it's not safe/fair to the other children to get hit. Again, that's the natural consequence of his actions. He'll soon catch on that hitting = less fun

You’re describing some children I know who were later diagnosed with autism. Is that a possibility? although I also know some autistic children who have never hit anyone in their lives. 6 is quite old for this behaviour though.

What is his behaviour like at school or when you’re not around? What do teachers say? Is there any other child that could be regularly hitting your boy? Does he have friends? Do you see other children or adults regularly protesting about your child’s behaviour or telling him off?

With the kids with autism what has worked for them to reduce hitting a lot is removing as much overstimulation as possible from the day so they didn’t feel so overwhelmed and lash out. If they do lash out they all leave immediately to a calmer environment and usually don’t go back to that place for a long while. The kids don’t go to busy places or kids parties without 1:1 supervision the whole time.

The children also have got a bit older and realised the hard way that other kids will hit them back, although they will still hit smaller kids sometimes. So they still need to be watched like hawks in playgrounds etc.
The kids already knew that hitting when their parents were around consistently lost them privileges, like having toys they enjoyed or sweet treats etc but that didn’t stop them as much. I know this is only two kids and not all kids are the same, NT or not, but it’s worth considering.

That advice fromSprogOnTheTyne about shadowing is essential to follow and might reassure your boy too so there may be less lashing out happening.

Hitting in my house had immediate consequences. If we were at a party or soft play or the park, we'd go home immediately, even put down birthday cake mid-bite and leave. The child has to associate the penalty with the act of hitting.

If at home I'd remove a favourite toy, or stop a game or activity. I'd be cross for a period of about 5 mins when he was small, up to 15 mins when he was a bit older.

And you have to be consistent. Every time, no exceptions.

Thanks so much for all the replies.
one thing I want to make clear - I have never ignored hitting!!! I was asked about discipline methods.. I should have been more clear. I try to ignore the little things so that I’m not picking at every little thing he does and then when he does something serious he knows I’m not happy if that makes sense. I never ignore violent behaviour but would take a more “natural consequence “ reaction I.e. bring him in if it happens on the road (this has just happened twice ever… it’s usually on school yard or in crèche). Or I would take a toy if he was using it to hit his brother. However he knows he’ll get the toy back eventually after being “good” so this doesn’t work anymore. I also cannot do any of this if it happens at school. I am going to ask the teacher today to remove him from yard any time he hits.

i wholeheartedly agree with you all that something more serious needs to be done. It wasn’t an issue last year so it’s just strange that it’s started up again.

Autism has been questioned by a couple of teachers… we are looking into getting him assessed. But a diagnosis wont fix things… so in the meantime I cannot have him hurting others. He most definitely finds the school yard overwhelming and I have asked him to find a quiet area if he can and hang out there. I am meeting with the teacher today to discuss what can be done as it’s definitely happening more in school when he knows I’m not there and he’s also figured out that the teacher doesn’t always communicate it to me.

Again thank you for the replies… I told him this morning I will take his favourite toy if I hear that it has happened on school yard and that he won’t be getting it back. He was a bit in shock that the toy won’t be returned even if he shows good behaviour afterwards. I’m not sure if this is the way to go but I need to try something harsher it seems….

Can you role play how to deal with his emotions when he's calm?

Other people will inevitably annoy him and he needs to learn to react proportionally. So say someone bumps into him accidentally, it's ok to say "Ow, be careful!" but hitting them isn't ok.

If he's playing out on the street and hitting people then bringing him in immediately is the answer. He may be sad and angry but he's definitely old enough to understand that you can't play out if you're hit. Also point out to him that the other kids dealt with things well by getting an adult rather than hitting him back because he will be hit back one day and it shouldn't be his peers teaching him self control.

Eventually, someone will hit him back, really hard.