Doubting myself after health visitor appointment

[Louise20231]

Hi everyone, had a health visitor appointment today in clinic to have my 2 year old weighed due to her eating habits atm. She currently is under the health visitors for her autistic traits (they aren’t really doing much atm just keeping an eye on her) but her signs are getting a lot worst (communication, stims, eating habits etc).. the list goes on
well today I saw a totally different health visitor, who asked how everything was. So of course I spoke to her about things the health visiting team already knew about our concerns regarding my daughter and said we were there to have her weighed to check she’s not losing any weight (following GP’s advice after we spoke to them about her eating).. and I can honestly say I’ve never been made to feel like such a crap mom it’s unbelievable. I was told that my daughters behaviours were basically my fault due to lack of boundaries (I do have boundaries in place but some of my daughters behaviours she can’t help and I’m not going to punish her for them.) and that as far as eating it was more of a case of she’ll eat when she’s hungry and stop offering her the foods she will eat as she knows she doesn’t have to eat her meals then as she gets what she wants afterwards. (This isn’t the case at all, even if I didn’t offer an alternative my daughter would just starve herself) My daughter has severe eating problems, she won’t eat whole food categories and this has gone on for months in which I have seen the GP twice now for. She was so judgmental and I honestly believe that she was one of those people who just didn’t believe in ASD the way she came across, totally dismissive of everything and quick to blame parents. Just feel really defeated and it’s knocked my confidence a little. Anyone else had this experience with health professionals?

So sorry. Some HV are appalling.
Mine, when I went to ask for help, told me that DS behaviour was learned behaviour i.e we were to blame. I never ask for help from anyone again and just battled on for a couple more years.
It was school that started the referral that diagnosed his autism.
Honestly, try not to give her headspace -easier said than done I know, I still get the rage thinking about mine, and my DS is an older teen now!
I hope next time you go you get your usual HV, if it’s her again just turn around and leave, there’s no point even staying and seeing people like that.

Health Visitors are a real mixed bag. Some are great, some are awful. Just ignore it.

I'd just weigh your daughter at home next time. Much less hassle.

@SuperfluousToRequirements thank you so much for your reply. I honestly couldn’t believe how she came across. There was another health visitor in the room who just didn’t say anything at all. Not too sure whether she may have felt uncomfortable too! Just really annoys me especially when she’s made out my daughter is basically just naughty. I don’t blame you for not seeking help from them after that! I don’t think I’ll be going back to the clinic after yesterday. I will only speak to my own health visitor from now on (the ones who have actually seen her at home etc).
@NuffSaidSam totally agree. Some of the ones I’ve spoke to have been really supportive, but the one I saw yesterday i just didn’t see it coming at all. It’s left me anxious about all sorts, reporting/ judging me as a bad mom, or writing notes on the system that there’s nothing wrong with my daughter etc. I’ve fought a lot so far to get the health visitors attention in the first place, just hope they don’t fob her off again. Will definitely avoid the clinic where possible and weigh at home from now on

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Like in all roles - some good, some awful.

but looking back on my DS - we had some HV "intervention" which absolutely lead to nothing. No GP, no consultant and no teacher were interested in any Health Visitor notes, observations or advice.

If they're not taken seriously by other professionals then you shouldn't take them seriously either.

You could always leave an anonymous review on Care Opinion. Make sure your username is completely random and be honest.

They ought to be more effective than this! And it's a concern when a whole "profession" seems to be mocked by their colleagues.

i've always found it really weird!

I'm sorry you had this experience. HVs are a bit of a problem service, they vary so widely.

If you have the energy, you could complain about her lack of knowledge about your dd's history and the fact you received completely contradictory advice.

I wonder if you feel deflated by the feeling it is hard to be confident in being able to access quality support? Parenting can be tough but if you've got a good rapport with the original HV just refuse any contact with the problematic one going forwards.

Aww you aren’t a bad mum at all, I avoided HV like the plague tbh, never found them useful. Just carry on looking after your daughter, you know her best

So sorry you had this experience. I’ve had this in relation to my child and eating. It’s really upsetting when people say, ‘ you just need to make him eat’. ‘He’ll eat when he’s hungry’. ‘ he won’t starve’. Well he might not starve to death but he is undereating so badly he’s fallen off the growth charts.

He’ll happy accept being hungry over eating. He’s just completely out of tune with his appetite and hunger. It’s bad enough living with this worry without the judgement too.

Don't even give it a second thought. She showed her ignorance when she claimed your daughter will eat when she's hungry - plenty of us know that's just not true. My ds had feeding aversion as a baby and now at 4.5 still doesn't feel hunger often and won't eat a non safe food (and he's NT). They're good for home visits when baby is new to check weight and anything that needs to heal, but beyond that...

With my second, I've not refused the service (but you can), but I've not bothered with the reviews after going through the questionnaires myself as my second baby is just textbook, healthy, happy baby.

@Fistralstorm totally agree. In all honesty they haven’t really done much other than say they’ll keep coming back out to observe. Just pushing for me to start her in nursery which she is due to start in January (fingers crossed she’ll start getting some support then). Not really expecting much from the health visitors anymore. It is definitely a concern, they must have a lot of experience regarding the HV lack of support.

@MidnightOnceMore ill definitely think about complaining about her. Not sure if it will make a difference but it may lead to some words about her attitude towards parents with concerns regarding SEN. I think trying to get support at this age is near on impossible, no one seems to care at the moment. I can’t help but feel frustrated for my daughter because I don’t think anyone will take her seriously at the minute. I will definitely stick with my own HV next time if at all!
@Roselilly36 thank you so much, I will do!

@Cerealforever thats so true. I dont think she even believes in ASD the way she came across. She told me off for giving my daughter a ham sandwich as an alternative to a meal that she won’t eat as it encourages her not to eat her meal. In other words she’s not eating on purpose so she gets what she wants after, she even said if she’s got a cold / congested she won’t eat. She hasn’t had a cold for a whole year. I give her what I know she will eat as I’d rather her eat then starve, I just add new foods or the foods we eat in very small amounts seperate to her safe food, if she eats it great if not I don’t make a fuss because it doesn’t achieve anything. I’ve been down every avenue to try and get her to eat our foods and encourage her but nothing works. My daughter is the exact same, she would rather go hungry than eat if it’s not a food she’s comfortable with. I even told the HV that she gags at food too, and her response was “well if she can eat a jam sandwich What could she possibly be gagging at”. I don’t know how I didn’t lose my shit to be honest just felt like I was talking to a brick wall. No understanding what so ever or knowledge of what I was talking about. hope you and your DS are well! We know our kids best!
@Blessedbethefruitz definitely agree. I won’t be bothering with them much after this. I’m due my second daughter in November and I will only use them for the regular parts such as weighing etc. I think if the HV aren’t trained to recognise food disorders etc in children they shouldn’t really be commenting full stop because it only leads to parent blaming.

Mistype but I meant jam sandwich in previous reply!

@Louise20231 you're doing great though. To recognise all of this. The self awareness and intuition shows you're a brilliant mum

Don't let the bastards bring you down!

@Fistralstorm thank you so much!