9 year old still cries going into school

[nothingeasy]

Does anyone have a child who is more than a little reluctant to go into school at the age of 9. Our DD has been at the same school (and attached to nursery) since she was 18 months old. She is very happy in school (occasional friendship dramas but nothing major), gets on well with teachers and is generally a very confident child. However since reception she has never consistently gone into school. Sometimes this will just a "i dont want to go" and slight hanging onto my hand. Other times she is in floods of tears, screaming and has to be pealed off me. She is generally worse for me than her dad but still not happy. We have never taken her home because of this, every time she ends up going in. I am told by the teachers that once she is in she is happy and settles down immediately.

We have always thought "she will grow out of it" but as she is getting older, and closer to secondary school we are starting to worry. So I guess I am asking if anyone has been there and found anything that helps. Or alternatively a child who was similar but has transitioned into senior school happily.

She is a great kid, super enthusiastic about everything. Goes away to friends sleep overs a few times a year and is happy to go. Isn't clingy at any other time, but going into school is causing a lot of emotional upset for her, and us. It's probably worth mentioning that she has a younger sibling who she goes in with so she isn't alone.

Any tips or advice? We just want to see her go into school happy and make this easier for her. Thank you!

I imagine you've already taken the approach of having a calm conversation about it at a time that's not on a school morning. Can your DD articulate what's going on in her head surrounding this?

Yes - we have tried talking to her when she is calm and talking about her day at school. We have tried rewards and consequences, school have been great and over the years she has had jobs (she is very task responsible). Nothing seems to work for very long. With it being the start of the new year I have asked her not to make a fuss as it my upset the little ones in reception who might be nervous, and on a few occasions she has pulled it together and walked in. I am also conscious that her friends are starting to notice this as unusual and don't want her to be singled out (as i know this would make it much worse for her).
We have asked her what it is that she is worried about etc but she just says she doesn't like going in- it doesn't appear to be any particular issue 😢

It's usually anxiety based In my experience. My children who struggled with going to school all turned out to be autistic,

It sounds like she just doesn't like school. It'd be like you doing a job you hate, going in every day, sometimes being able to make the best of it and other times it just gets too much.

I don't think you're doing the right thing with rewards or consequences though, or telling her to stop because she might upset someone else. It's never the right thing to tell a child to hide their emotions or even worse to reward them for being able to hide them. Punishing a child for crying is cruel. It's easy to see why none of these approaches have worked.

Have you asked her what she thinks would help her cope better with school?

My daughter is 14 and still does.

Some kids just never like it.

I’d recommend counselling. My DS2 had very bad school refusal in year 1. He saw a counsellor, weekly for about four or five months to talk through his anxiety. It really helped. By year 2 he would walk into school without any issues.

From what you've said, she likes school but she doesn't like going IN to school

How would it be if she arrived super early, before any of the other children, and the teacher (who would obviously be in the class) gave her jobs to do each morning, perhaps the same jobs each morning

She'd be the teachers before school assistant

How might she be in that scenario, with going IN to school?

I'd also recommend counselling. My dd is the same (she's now 12 and we still have days where she won't go to school) but she does have strategies she uses that she learnt with her counsellor.

Is there a pastoral support worker in the school who could work with her? This was a godsend for us in primary school. The pastoral worker used to take her to a quiet space if she was distressed and she would colour or chat and get her head ready for learning.

The problem is when they go straight in after being worked up, there's a lot of masking going on which makes teachers think they're 'absolutely fine'. Not dissing teachers, I am one and have no doubt said it myself to reassure parents.

You could also ask for a meeting with the Sendco who may offer help, or suggest routes to help. Good luck

You should definitely get her counselling because I know a child ike this who simply refused to go to school from age 12. Literally dropped out and became a recluse.

Yes it’s separation anxiety or simply anxiety ; is her class large / noisy / busy when she arrives or she has had past experience of this environment . What is interesting is that she doesn’t seem to be anxious about being apart from you at other times which suggests more likely overwhelmed at class environment - Good suggestion by other poster to send her in very early when just her and TA to transition into the class before the day really starts. I would suggest counselling before secondary school as likely to become very problematic at this stage otherwise - hope it works out ok x

Can you ask the teacher if a friend can come and walk in with her? This is what happened at my grandson's school and it seemed to work.

Thank you everyone- we have liaised with the school teacher and SENCo and have a plan- tomorrow she will go in early (she goes in at 8am anyway as school starts at 8.30 and usually this allows us a little more time to talk/help her) but she is now the IT class monitor and will help with ppt set up/tech set up each morning- she came home excited today.
She only has a small class (15 kids) and noise/liveliness isnt an issue, she loves hustle and bustle. I will also look into counseling. I should have said, she has retained reflexes which we have been working on for a number of years and it is wonderful to see her so much more comfortable/relaxed in herself as a result of therapy- so counselling could really help.
Thank you!