Nearly 3 yo attacking baby

[Xyzvw]

I’m getting really worried about this, my nearly 3 yo is so unkind and tries to kick, pinch and generally hurt his baby brother. Nothing I’ve tried so far has made any difference. I grew up with a violent older brother so very triggering for me, but I’m really unsure about how to deal with it.

How old is DC2 @Xyzvw?

I grew up with a violent older brother as well so I know that horrible feeling. However, your oldest is 2, very little himself.

What is the trigger for the behaviour?

My 4.5yo struggled with being abit rough and at times unkind with DD2 when she arrived.Subtle things though like squeezing her arm tight, which made her cry, as much as she loved her to bits most if the time!

Apparently Children have two buckets that need filling every day....power and attention.

Power may be him feeling grown up helping with little tasks, which you can also use baby related ones to help build their bond (eg, fetching a nappy) (although make sure he knows he can feel and act 'little' aswell still sometimes)

Attention is SO important, I know its so hard when you have newborn aswell, but especially at his young age, he needs some 1-1 time each day with 'HIS' mummy where he feels he is still the centre of your world and attention.
He probably can't ask for that yet, so is being unkind to the baby as his way of trying to get your attention.

It is a massive transition, and even if you do the above he may still struggle somewhat, but hopefully it will help.

@Mummyof287 that sort of stuff is exactly what DS does, hugging the baby really tightly, also ‘pretending’ it was an accident.

The problem is he has so much attention I worry the poor baby gets ignored, it’s hard balancing their needs! He is not always the best at following instructions, either!

I do feel like I’m losing confidence in parenting him. Gentle responsive techniques have no effect at all, anger and firmness make him laugh. So I’m probably not consistent which won’t help but what to do if he ignores me?

Does he go to nursery? Poor DS2 gets very little individual attention from me when his brother is about, but he does go to nursery so I have time then.

From a sheer safety point of view I don't leave them in the same room together (a bouncer in the kitchen helps with that, I also use the sling a lot). When they are together I'm down on the floor with them, and will move DS1 if I think his "affection" is too rough. Endless repetition of "the baby is very little" "gentle hands" etc. If I'm being roundly ignored then I stand up with DS2 and explain I can't play anymore / read / whatever it is because he's not being kind to DS2 and I need to keep him safe.

In terms of attention for DS1 I do lots of performative things about making him come first. So if DS2 is unhappy in the bouncer when I'm sorting breakfast then I'll loudly say "I can see you're unhappy but I'm getting your brother's breakfast right now". At bedtime for DS1 I will put DS2 in his crib if he's crying with a mobile that plays a lullaby which often gets us a few minutes happiness so DS1 can have his books. I lavish praise on him for things unconnected to the baby. DS2 only naps on me but I can do lots of things with him asleep in the sling so that's when I tend to fully commit to whatever it is DS1 wants to do. When DP is around we divide and conquer.

I'm not sure how old your baby is, but what really helped DS1 come round to ours was that DS2 very, very clearly adores him. He laughed for the first time because of DS1, DS1 gets far more smiles than anyone else. DS2 is generally grizzly in the evening, but will perk up if put in the position where he gets an unimpeded look at his brother.

If I'm being roundly ignored then I stand up with DS2 and explain I can't play anymore / read / whatever it is because he's not being kind to DS2 and I need to keep him safe

Our second isn’t here yet but this is similar to what we do if DS 2 is ever too rough with us as adults, the play/activity/cuddle stops immediately and the adult moves away. ‘It is wrong to hit mummy. Mummy does not want to play/cuddle because you hit her’ said in a firm but calm(ish) voice.

DS says sorry and we have a cuddle and talk about how he should not do that again, reiterate that it is wrong to hit and the activity carries on. If he does it again the activity/attention he was getting stops completely.

When he was a bit younger we did the telling him what he can can do instead of hitting like stroking but as he’s getting bigger and his understanding has improved we have got firmer on this and tbf it doesn’t happen very often.

So maybe an in-between of a gentle approach and anger? I appreciate it must be harder with a baby than adult!

I do feel like I’m losing confidence in parenting him. Gentle responsive techniques have no effect at all, anger and firmness make him laugh. So I’m probably not consistent which won’t help but what to do if he ignores me?

Does he go to nursery? How is he there?

Fine at nursery. He isn’t terrible with me, don’t get me wrong. Mostly he’s pretty nice especially when he’s kept busy and occupied but if he does get something into his head he can be very difficult to distract or to stop him. And this is what’s happening with the baby, even if you move him away he keeps coming back.

For us this got lots better when we made a big effort to have fun 1-1 time with DC1, no baby around. Hard logistically but if you can manage it, one parent take one, one take another for 2-3 hours at weekend. Much better also once baby can smile etc.

Is the attention where has you 1-1 with no distractions, completely able to absorb in and respond to him?
If not, smaller amounts but more of those sort of types of interaction might be what is needed.
If you are already doing that, can he go to a relative or nursery some of the time, so you can spend more time 1-1 with baby? As at 3yo he is unlikely to go off and play on his own for very long, especially if he knows you are giving the baby attention.

Gentle parenting is HARD, as much as the benefits are clear, but don't pressure yourself to always be 'that sort of parent' I have done fine gentle parenting both my girls til around age 2.5-3, however with DD1 who is now 6, I hold my hands up and say alot of that has gone out the window, especially with various life stressors of the past few years...unfortunately, whilst we are definitely still loving and responsive parents alot of the time, we do not manage to parent her that way quite abit of the time now, as she has got older it has got harder, because there is more refusal to listen/defiance when following instructions etc, so i do find we criticise, nag and raise our voices more than we should now.

The main GP things we always live by still though are that we always apologise and fix things after getting angry with her, we try to respect her own preferences, eg: with food or clothes, and we always encourage an open line of communication about feelings.

Sarah ockwell smith (she is Gentle parenting author of various books, who also has a helpful FB page) and the book 'how to talk so little kids will listen' might be helpful for you, as it has some good strategies for effective behaviour management.Sure you are doing great though.x

I'm sure he'll grow out of it.

For my second son's first year I never put him down ever because my eldest would attack him, stamp on him, bite him. I have horrible memories of breastfeeding standing up holding the baby out of reach whilst my eldest attacked my legs.

He was very jealous!

Anyways now they're 6 and 8 and total besties, joined at the hip. Once the younger one got to about 2 1/2 and the elder could see his value as a playmate we were fine.