One year old HELP needed!

[GiveMeChocolateee]

I am a first time mum to a one year old boy and I’m literally at the end of my tether. Today was horrible and I really need some help / advice from other parents. I don’t have a lot of people I can talk to IRL and I’m also ashamed to be seen as ‘not coping’ as other mums seem to have it all together.
My baby has always been very active, curious and easily bored from when he was literally a few months old. He always needed lots of stimulation, going out of the house, doing stuff etc. Since he started crawling and now trying to walk he is into everything and doesn’t stop one second.
I don’t mind any of this, I’m quite active myself and I spend my whole day running after him, playing, taking him out. But in the last couple of months he’s developed a real temper and I find it hard to have him screaming on my face all day long. He was a fairly content baby who enjoyed music, laughing at my silly dancing and people watching from his pushchair. Now he is constantly grumpy, hates any transition like getting dressed, changing nappies, going into the high chair… everything is a fight with lots of crying. If I take something from him (like my phone or glasses) he has a real meltdown.
I stopped taking him swimming because it’s impossible to get him dried and changed.
Stopped going to nursery rhymes in the library as he just crawls off and up the stairs.
Stopped going to peoples houses as he is obsessed with pulling down lampshades
and can’t be stopped without huge meltdown.
Stopped going out to coffee shops as he can’t stay in the high chair for more than 5 mins without screaming.
Today a friend with a baby the same age invited me for a play date and it was such a horrible experience. Her baby is very calm and reasonable, she was talking and explaining things to her while my son was crawling everywhere, not interested in toys, just pulling things down. I felt so incompetent and like I’m not giving him boundaries.
I cried when I got home and told my partner I can’t even socialise with other mums anymore. My life is getting so small, just looking after my son trying to stop him from crying and screaming. Everything is a battle, he had his favourite food for dinner but even so he cried desperately as I cleaned his face and hands.
Does it get better? I worry that my son has some issues as other babies seem less extreme in their emotions. I do not enjoy spending time with him at the moment and it makes me so sad.
Anything I can do to help him?
thanks everyone and sorry for the long message.

I hate to say it, but he sounds like a normal active toddler learning about the world around him. At 12 months old he is beginning to realise that the world doesn't completely revolve around him and this is disconcerting. In a couple of weeks time he may decide that sitting in a high chair at the right height to lord it over others is the best thing ever. He might crawl around and play nicely when your friend's baby has a total meltdown over something utterly trivial. They are unpredictable. Try not to take it personally and always go out with lots and lots of different things for them to do.

he sounds very much like my daughter was. i remember saying there’s no point leaving the house - reality is you probably have a smart kid who wants to explore the world around him desperately and knows what he wants, he’s curious and wants to touch things he maybe shouldn’t, doesn’t want to be dressed if that’s what he doesn’t want, etc. if it’s any consolation i kept saying im sure we’ve hit the terrible twos early (because that whole idea is about development etc) and i was right

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I just wanted to say it does all sounds very normal and familiar. My son was also a super chill easy baby and he transformed into a really stubborn, strong-willed toddler / preschooler.

I don't really know what advice to give except for keep trying to do things but keep your expectations low. I started really restricting what we did because I knew so much would result in tantrums and be difficult and i think that made me quite depressed in the long run because life became so boring. Changed philosophy this summer and went on our first holiday and to Two music festivals, yes there were tantrums but the good times and family memory making meant more!

Also I'm sure others are having similar problems, find someone safe you can talk to. And get a babysitter now and again. Take care!

Thanks all - you already made me feel better!

@HewasH2O I am glad this looks like normal behaviour to you and that things might change. My son seems to be more advanced in some areas such as being more aware of his surrounding and very interested in people. But he’s not advanced physically as he crawled late and doesn’t say any words. So when I’m with other parents I can’t help thinking his peers are more calm and reasonable while he’s so irrational and hyperactive !

@satellitesunshine you’re right I also think this is what I expected from the terrible twos. I worry he’s going to stay like this now for the next few years - I’m not sure I can cope.

@warmmfeet Thank you, that’s kind of you. I have had no help so far - just me and my partner 24/7 so I think I’m a bit burnt out and need a break. I also work part time and going full time soon. He is going into childcare in a month time. I feel like I’ve wasted this summer, I haven’t done anything as everything is so stressful with him it takes away all the joy. Had a few day trips but even that was too much, all the crying in the car made me very stressed.
I would like to be braver and do more stuff I enjoy with him as I am getting depressed.
Can I ask how old is your son now?
I struggle to talk to people about my challenges, also it’s hard to have a conversation with other parents when the babies are always there.
.

@GiveMeChocolateee I can really relate. I did the same. He's 4 now and we have another one who is 2. 2 year old does have moments but not the same intensity as his older brother. I'd say sometimes he has a calmer more reasonable few months then it all starts up again, so it is developmental.
It definitely helps a lot when they can communicate more effectively with you and you can see more and more of their personality and understand them more.
There are so many useful tips on the internet but many we're laughable to me because they wouldn't cut it at all with him.
Here's hoping our strong-willed, determined little souls will go on to change the world?!

Why can't you talk in front of the babies? Since having my eldest who is now 5yo I spend a lot of time chatting to other parents and we are generally open about discussing our difficulties. When they're only 1 they dont listen to or understand our moaning anyway so it's fine!

I would think about playgroups you could take him to, e.g. in children's centres or churches.

Also things like swimming, that's up to you but personally we've always taken the approach that if they will enjoy something and get something out of it for a long enough period of time, then we will still take them even if we know something about it e.g. here the drying, changing part will be blue murder. Both our kids were awful with that. Not sure if you've ever been at a time when its busy with other babies etc but weve been to center parcs twice and every time we are in the changing rooms there you can clearly hear lots of other babies and toddlers kicking off and parents being very annoyed hah.

Also I've always done a lot of park trips.

Sounds like my DD2. She was bright & fun but a total pain in the arse. She hated leaving ANYWHERE so for a fair chunk of time I had to exit by carrying her under my arm like a rolled up carpet while she shrieked.

I didn't find it that stressful (I am sorry that you do OP) but what helped me is finding the whole situation wryly amusing. I mean, who screams every time they have to leave!?

I just used to say "well that's a loud annoying noise" then under my arm she'd go!

She's charm personified now btw. Hang in there OP!

@WeightoftheWorld Thanks for replying! Yes I’m not worried about him listening to my convo, I literally have no time for an in-depth chat as I’m running after him! Like today I was happy to meet this friend and was hoping to share experiences as our babies are born one day apart. But I had to chase my son around while her daughter played happily with toys. I can’t sit down and talk anymore.

I go to a church playgroup once a week, have been going since he was born. All I do these days is chasing him while he’s crawling up the stairs all the time. I used to talk to other parents a bit more before. There’s some music and dancing at the end but he just gets bored and won’t stay on the mat with the other children. I just wonder how much he’s getting from it!

I feel bad about the swimming but my son is very big and in the last month or so my back is constantly sore. I can’t get him dried and dressed in those tiny changing rooms anymore and I can’t hold him while he wriggles away anymore!! We went to Center Parcs - he was a bit younger and smaller then - it took two of us to get him changed but it was doable. You’re right lots of other babies crying so I felt less alone!

Thanks @ApocalypseNowt you made me laugh! Love that image of you carrying your daughter like a rolled up carpet.

It is a shame me and my partner are so burnt out we can’t see the funny side anymore. We used to have a good sense of humour, we’ve always laughed a lot about stuff and don’t take life too seriously. But recently our weekends are so dull, every nice activity like going to the beach is accompanied by so much crying and drama from our son. It’s sucking the joy out of life. After a whole week with him I looked forward to a nice weekend with some good family time - and right now I’m in bed feeling drained and sorry for myself!

I really hope I manage to pull myself together and find some pleasure in parenting my son, it’s not fair on him either to have a depressed mum. I just wish he didn’t have such extreme emotions all the time.

I’m only 3.5 years down the line, but apart from maybe the newborn stage, I don’t think I have found any stage as awful as circa 1 year old. My DS was very similar to yours - always on the go and demanding of so much stimulation pretty much from birth. He was a bit less mobile at 1 than yours is (didn’t crawl, bum shuffled, but could cruise around furniture or walk with hand holding/his walker at the speed of light and he wanted to do it ALL THE TIME). Although this meant he found it more difficult to destroy things, he was always the baby crying or screaming due to frustration. I was pretty much out of the house 24/7 with him and I ran back to work when maternity leave ended. Weekends were absolutely diabolical because nothing made him happy and he was also now tired from 3 days/week at nursery. I posted on here under a different name at about 12 months as I too had spent one of many, many days in tears trying to wrestle and wrangle a permanently angry boddler. We had a massive sleep regression at this point as well.

It must be really awful being a 1 year old to be fair. They suddenly realise how important language is but they can only understand a tiny fraction and they certainly can’t say much if not anything. They realise how important walking is but the vast majority can’t do it to a satisfactory level to actually be useful. They have advanced minds but still pretty useless bodies!

The good news is it got better relatively quickly. DS1 was a total gem by about 18 months, with the improvement beginning at around 15 months - basically when he was walking efficiently and beginning to speak. We could go back to going to cafes and the like. Weekends became fun. He smiled and laughed as opposed to screamed. His default wasn’t to destroy stuff much, apart from all the kitchen cupboards. He had cute tantrums about actual stuff as opposed to permanent whinging and crying about God knows what.

Im already dreading this stage with DS2 and he’s only 2 months old!

@VivaVivaa thank you so much - this makes me feel less lonely!

It is the constant whinging and screaming I can’t cope with anymore. Like he’s had his nap, he is fed, he’s sitting on the grass in a park with his favourite ball on a sunny day. I’m there playing him him. Why does he suddenly start crying?? Or he’s eating something he enjoys in the high chair. Or he’s on the mat playing with toys. Is he in pain? Teething? Stomach? Is he bored, frustrated? No clue. It really drains me. I have to pick him up (he weighs a ton) and distract him all the time.

I really hope my son follows a similar trajectory to yours and that we can enjoy some quality time together in the next months ! Your second one might not be the same, they’re all different. And even if he is you have the advantage of knowing what to expect and see the light at the end of the tunnel 😃

@GiveMeChocolateee Mine was the sort of baby who never slept, we could ask her to run across a field to burn off energy just for fun and she wouldn't read Biff and Chip books at school. She graduated from Oxford last week. Don't fret. Your DS sounds cute & inquisitive.

My 18 month old has literally just come out of this phase, it was hideous while it lasted! He was such a chill baby that the dramatics seemed to come out of nowhere and I definitely thought the terrible twos had come early. If he wants to climb the stairs at the church group, I would just let him. He is curious about the world and will go through phases of wanting to do the same thing over and over but eventually he'll get bored of it and want to do something else. I had to let mine sit on a regular chair for a while because he fought the high chair so much and he absolutely loved that. He's back in the high chair now though because he got over that obsession! It's so hard and feels never ending but childcare does help because he will be stimulated and entertained there and you will look forward to your time off with him so much. Just because summer is over doesn't mean you can't do some lovely activities at the weekends going forward as long as he has a decent puddle suit and boots! Lots of tea and biscuits help too.

I’m in tears this evening. It’s been such a difficult day and he’s not even sleeping at night anymore - has been waking up every couple of hrs the last week or so. He doesn’t want to sleep in the day, just 30 mins in the morning and then I spend the rest of the day trying to make him nap. He screamed a lot, most of the time, and specially when he woke up from his short naps. I had to send him out with my partner as was losing my mind. I’m so sad as I booked to go to a baby friendly concert on Sunday and am meant to see another mum with a newborn tomorrow. I just don’t want to do any of it.
I don’t find any pleasure in doing things with my child anymore, how sad is that? He is too difficult or I am too incompetent, either way it’s hell. Is it teething? Does it get better? I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if my child even likes me as he doesn’t seem happy to see me, he isn’t affectionate at all, he’s just so busy all the times and needs me to fulfil his needs, that’s all.
Sorry for the rant, I am very low tonight and not looking forward to the weekend. It doesn’t help that I see people on social media doing normal
stuff with their 1 year olds… going out for a meal, going on holiday, chilling at home… and I feel so amazingly sh*t about my life.

p.s - he also threw all of the food I had lovingly made for him on the floor and kept screaming in the high chair. Why??

Does he have any teeth coming through? The waking up, not napping for long & not eating I wonder if he's cutting some painful teeth? It sounds really hard for you, it is draining when you wake up after hardly any sleep & dread the day ahead. I hope he's a bit better today for you. Hang on in there, you are not alone.

Ps don't worry about the naps! Easier said than done when they're evil & shattered but they'll sleep when they sleep & stressing about it makes it harder. Can you strap him into a pram & take him out for fresh air, maybe he'll sleep? I appreciate not all do this so just a suggestion. Or a little trike?

Thanks @Topjoe19 he only naps in the pram at the moment so I’m pacing around a lot. Sometimes he takes 40 mins to fall asleep so lots of walking and I’m exhausted. Yesterday I bursted out crying while pushing the pram as he was still awake - so embarrassing the way people looked at me!
But you’re right I probably worry too much about stuff. It’s just that he gets hysterical from 6 pm onwards if he doesn’t nap. I’ve had another sleepless night, my partner and I take it in turns to get up but I still wake up and it’s dreadful. He’s never been so bad not even as a newborn. I’ll take him to the GP if still like this on Monday but I suspect teething. I give him nurofen and calpol but doesn’t seem to make much of a difference though - is it normal?

Thanks a lot for your kindness! It means a lot as I feel very lonely and too tired to reach out to anyone IRL.

My friend who has a 1 year old sent me photos from her 2 holidays abroad this summer and I just feel so crap that I can’t even go to the nearby town with my baby as I find it too difficult. I don’t know if it’s him being difficult or me being a loser but either way it makes me feel so bad how other people are enjoying their life but I can’t. My life is just a prison atm.

I honestly can relate, when you said about bursting into tears... oh it's hard. You honestly sound very burnt out. Is it possible to get a day off? Can anyone take him for the day for you to get some alone time? I understand you're going back to work soon but you sound like you need a break. Also it's definitely not you being a loser! It's so much easier when they can tell you what's wrong. Those days are just around the corner I promise, sooner than you think. Hang on in there.

Have you tried taking the Calpol & Nurofen yourself so you can get some sleep? I'm joking, but I know I used to fantasise about going a couple of miles up the road to a Premier Inn and having 18 hours completely to myself.

Hang on in there. Thank goodness your partner is taking it in turns with you

I know this is an older post but I could have written this myself. Maybe not quite to the full extent of screaming (though not far off), but my 14 month old is so very ‘busy’ and frustrated by everything at the moment. He’s walking, which I thought would make him happier, but since he’s been walking he’s also been constantly unwell, which makes him extremely grumpy and tired.

He has zero chill and will never just sit and play. I’m the mother at ‘play dates’ just following a toddler around, trying to stop him from walking into staff areas, kitchens, out of the doors or generally places he shouldn’t be -he’s never interested in staying in a room with toys. If I tell him ‘no’ he whines, cries and throws things. Music sometimes works, TV does for maybe 5 minutes, then he shouts again. He tolerates a high chair for maybe 5 minutes, as long as it takes to eat 1/4 of a slice of toast in a cafe, then he screams to be down, walking around again.

The only reassurance I get is from DM who says I was exactly the same, less whiney, but never still. I was a really nosey, curious and bright child and I bloody pray that DS will settle like I eventually did. Please tell me things settled for your DS?

He is better now just turned 2 and despite the tantrums and the big emotions, he is calmer and can actually enjoy a play group without endlessly running around. Stay strong, it will get better for you too, we just need to be patient! 11 months to 20 months was probably the most difficult time for us.

Thank you so so much for replying. I’m glad to hear that things have calmed down. I will continue to grin and bear it! We do have some lovely days, in fairness, I think I just tend to focus on the whining because he just seems so much more grumpy than other babies his age. ‘This too shall pass!’