4 year old angry and sad after starting school

[warmmfeet]

DS is about to start week 4 of reception, first 2 weeks he was v happy, this started to change last week and today this afternoon he's been really angry and badly behaved right up until he fell asleep.

Managed to get out of him that he feels like none of the other kids in his class care about him. Although he went to the school's preschool all his friends from there are in the other reception class so he doesn't really know any of his classmates yet and I guess he feels left out / lonely.

I'm feeling awful because I struggled to stay calm with him this afternoon as he was hitting and screaming etc, more than once. I know he's struggling and I'm really trying but he's also not sleeping well and we're all very tired.

Does this all sound at all normal? What helps?
I wish I could stay calmer with him as I know it's key for regulation. Sometimes I can, sometimes I just cannot.

Can you organise a playdate after school with a few of his classmates?
Regarding the hitting and screaming. One has to learn with new feelings and emotions. He felt something new, exclusion , and doesn't know how to react to the hurt.

It is also normal to feel weird,once the novelty of school is gone. There are lots of rules to follow, and it is not as fun as preschool.
Can you include a nice ritual after school? Going to a cafe for a piece of cake and release the pressure?
Also lead by example in the house, showing him how to decompress after a negative event, even a pretend one. A bad phone call, you making mistakes, and so on.

@User8743 he's got a party next week so hoping to observe what's happening then and talk to other mums and try to arrange a play date yes.
I'm also wondering if him saying that is his way of trying to express he doesn't feel comfortable there yet. Trying to console him that the other kids probably feel the same way.
Thanks for the perspective on the kicking and hitting.
I just wish I knew how to help him more effectively.

I've found quite a lot of long threads from 10 or so years ago that have made me realise it's all quite normal.

He's probably also just very tired, might be worth bringing bedtime forward an hour for the time being.

Also, lower expectations after school. Let him watch a film/read/colour. Let him eat food that you know he likes. For the short term try and remove any flash points from the after-school period.

@NuffSaidSam thanks. We've tried giving him leeway this week, letting him have tv dinners eating foods he likes, trying not to place too many demands etc but he's still really hard work.
He has been up since 3:40am today, he came into my bed and couldn't sleep so started talking and asking to play Lego. When I said he must try to sleep because it's night time and so he can't play until morning he went absolutely berserk, shouting screaming, hitting. He's an absolute mess and I feel like I'm failing him or have failed him - how can school be affecting him so much and why can't I handle it better and help him?!

This sounds tricky, OP, for you and your poor DS. Don’t beat yourself up - you’re on here trying to find ways to help him and some children just find it harder. Remember tiredness always makes that behaviour more extreme
too. We had similar behaviour and it turned out my DS was being bullied, but somehow couldn’t put it into words. My DS actually has ADHD, which is why he struggles a bit more to regulate those emotions, but we had other concerns as well that gradually became more clear (hyper focus, running through attractions he wasn’t interested in, total battle with learning to read, general defiance, ongoing difficulties regulating emotion). Is your DS able to say why he feels other children don’t care? Considering it’s disturbing sleep and causing quite high anxiety with the hitting etc. I’d ask the school if he could move classes to where his pre-school friends are. I think it’s quite important for schools to be aware of whether a child is exploding at home, as sometimes they can encourage children to feel safer at school, talk about certain issues and look out for anything going on at play or lunch or buddy them up with someone etc. I do think it’s normal to explode after school (the coke bottle effect), but I also think disturbed sleep and hitting etc shows just how hard your DS finds it and I think it’s on a higher scale than the majority of children. If he gets up in the night, can he have something that helps that transition like a favourite hot drink and then you read him a story to get him back to sleep? Apologies if you’ve tried this, just think it sounds like he’s worried about lying quietly as he knows he’ll overthink and be alone with those thoughts and so avoiding this, but in a way that moves towards sleep might help. I often find those moments are also when he can suddenly say something eye opening (maybe the one to one quiet with no fear of disturbance, a bit like car journeys). I also did a lot of reading books on emotions, like the colour monster. We also found the zones of regulation quite useful - you might want to give that a google. In meltdowns, we tend to use try to be playful to distract and move on and get back to a more regulated point where we can then work through things or reflect back what he’s feeling ‘I wonder if you’re feeling worried about school and that makes you feel like you don’t want to be alone in bed thinking about it’. The PACE approach might also help to move through this. Don’t take it personally and feel guilty, it’s so unlikely to be you, it’s just DS trying to communicate his feelings and struggling. You’re clearly thinking it through and trying to find the best ways to help and that’s great, all we can do as parents is keep trying until we find what seems to work.

@ChaosAndCrumbs thanks so much, that's a really helpful reply. I do think he maybe has elements of neurodivergence but I'm not completely sure. He seems to hyperfocus on Lego, he never stops thinking about it, talking about it or playing it and every topic that comes up he manages to bring it back to Lego. Is that hyperfocus? Or just a bit obsessive. He definitely gets very dysregulated and takes longer to calm down than feels standard. Ive spoken to his teacher this morning who said he is a superstar in class and they will speak to him to see if there is something else going on.

My son started in September too, he is exactly the same. Very emotional, I think he’s tired and probably overwhelmed.. hopefully they find it easier soon.

It's a thing! After school restraint collapse - basically held it together all day for school and then let's go in his safe place. Difficult but common.

www.bbc.co.uk/bitesize/articles/z863cxs

Solidarity OP. My son has also started reception and we are having some challenging behaviour. Lots of anger. He was punching me last night over something minor. I'm just trying to stay calm, explain we can't hit etc

I even notice this with secondary age DD. We’ve had a few weeks where she can swing from happy to upset, she’s also unable to stop talking.
In the first few years of primary she used to have a massive meltdown on a Saturday teatime. Which is made it hard to go anywhere. It was alike the whole week would build up to one point, she’d freak out and then be fine.
I think school can be a much more complex thing for some children to process.

Thanks for the solidarity, it is reassuring to know we are not the only ones. I guess they're all completely exhausted and overwhelmed. Poor babies! We had a reasonable night last night with only one wake up so I feel much more equipped to deal with any meltdowns calmly. Sleep deprivation does make everything feel 10,000 times worse.

Solidarity from me too! My DD2 just started reception. She’s normally the most chill, calm kid but it’s a huge adjustment for them. She’s clearly exhausted and overwhelmed and just breaks down at the smallest thing. She completely lost it at bedtime the other night and just couldn’t regulate her emotions. Fortunately this is not our first rodeo so we anticipated it! We are completely reducing demands on her at home (she needs to clean her teeth and wash occasionally but otherwise we’re not too bothered), giving in to her more than usual on things/letting her set the agenda more and generally huddling round to make her feel calm and reassured. As she settles in we’ll start scaling back until normal rules apply! Good luck - it’s a tough time for everybody. But you’ll get there.

My daughter is the same. I think it’s purely tiredness. She was so emotional and angry last night, I put her to bed at 6pm, she slept until 7am this morning and has woken up much nicer. I’m going to do the same tonight.

My dcs were absolutely exhausted after starting school. I think for most of the first term, they'd get home and I'd sit them in front of the tv with my arm around them. After 45-60 mins, they'd seem to recover.

I think the trick might be in the timing. Try to schedule in something calming or restful before the meltdown kicks off.

My son was the same last year. It's a much bigger change for them from nursery and they are very tired and all the emotions they haven't expressed during the day come spilling out at home. I found it got better after the half term break. Hang in there!

Yes, we had something very like this for the first few weeks of reception. I was so worried about it I ended up speaking to a child psychologist who reassured me that it would pass. As previous posters have said it’s about a build up of tension at school which has to be released at some point and poor parents bear the brunt of it!

Things did improve gradually and by October half term all was more settled with just occasional flare ups.

My eldest also came home from school very upset and I had to ensure she got plenty of wind down with her favourite activities ( in her case tape player with songs and stories), fed bathed and into bed by 6.45 which was at least an hour earlier than she used to go to bed.
it was no reflection on how she was at school, she was coping brilliantly and has always done well at school. It was some sort of overload and she grew out of it with a bit of TLC.
Do what you can to keep your child calm and rested. But do not allow your child to hit or hurt you, this should be firmly (but not angrily) discouraged and move away or move him away.

My son has just finished week 3..we have had more meltdowns in the last week than probably a normal month. Tiredness, learning and trying to make new friends is so hard. I agree it is tricky to keep patient but don't be so hard on yourself x

My dd came home from school and straight to bed for a nap for the first half term of Reception. Couldn’t cope with anything else at all. Then up for tea, bath, cuddles and stories and back to bed for 6.00, and slept 13 hours. So I’d try more sleep, or at least quiet time, and see if that helps.

How is everyone doing now? Think my son is slowly settling but we are still having a lot of challenging behaviour at home in the form of defiance and getting very angry / aggressive when he doesn't get what he wants. He's still getting up way too early also. (4:30-5am)

He has massive FOMO and won't nap and we used to be able to trick him into it with a well timed car ride but he's cottoned onto this now. Been doing early bed times but he's still waking early and I've just remembered there is a clock change coming!!!! Ahhhh