Toxic grandparent

[Nowindows91]

I’ve avoided posting this because I’m certain somehow the grandparent will see it, know it’s about her and approach me but I’m now stuck on how to move forward.

my mum has always been manipulative, anything she wants I just give in to because it’s better than dealing with her reactions. If she’s unhappy with me I will get lengthy emotionally abusive messages telling me how she is such a bad mum. She’s called me a manipulative child, controlling etc and now I have a child I’m genuinely afraid what she will do.
i have previously agreed for her to have set times alone with the little one but only agreed because she manipulated me. I know I need to let her know she won’t be getting any alone time with baby but I’m dreading her response.
I haven’t even scratched the surface here of how she was with me growing up and the fears I have. She is now nothing short of obsessed with the little one (asking for video calls up to 5 times a day, even when I have called her she still wants more), and I’m concerned she is resting her whole happiness on them. I don’t want my child to be part of this. She goes through times where she is the nicest person, a shoulder to cry on, always there but later when she doesn’t get what she wants all I get is “when you needed me I was always there for you. I sacrificed everything for you”

any advice would be great! Am I doing the wrong thing not allowing her alone time with little one?

You are not doing the wrong thing, no

You don't want your child to have the suffocation you did!

Video calls 5 times a day is not normal

You need to set firm boundaries which she will likely be horrific about at first, but if you stick to it it will be much better in future

Have phrases ready:
That doesn't work for me
That's not the way I am going to do things
I'm happy with X way, thank you
No!

Be strong - for you and your baby!

5 video calls a day isn't normal. Don't feel bad.

Just say things like "no sorry we're busy." "No sorry that doesn't work for us." Assert your boundaries, sure she'll get angry and probably give you the silent treatment but that's no where near as bad as being pestered all day & night long surely?

Thank you both I will be stronger and use those phrases. This is new for me to stand up to her (and quite frankly terrifying).

any advice on me telling her she will now not be getting the alone time with him I had said she could have while I was pregnant?

For alone time just say "I'm not ready to do that"
If she brings up what you said before just repeat and say you had no idea how you would feel until baby was born

Re. The alone time bit, I actually wouldn't try to forewarn her as that will just cause drama. When baby is here just take each day as it comes and stand firm, and don't make any long standing agreements (e.g. you can have the baby every Wednesday or whatever)

Newborns and babies don't need alone time with family or other people to build a bond (especially not overnights). They need to be with their mothers so don't let her use that to manipulate you.

In general I would also Google 'Grey Rock Contact' and try that with your mum. She sounds awfully similar to mine and this has helped a bit

"Sorry I'm busy right now will call you later"
"I'm not ready to leave dc with anyone else yet I'm sure you understand "

If necessary mute messages and delete with out reading. If you want/need to block her. She doesn't have to be in your life just because you are related.