Crying and attachment

[OneBigToDoList]

I’m really struggling with a change in my DCs temperament. Up until recently he was a very chilled baby - we’ve had the usual struggles with BF and sleep when he was younger (still struggling with sleep tbh) but he has always seemed content day-to-day and rarely grumbled.
Well, he is 11 months old now and all that has changed. He fights the car seat, the high chair, the buggy, nappy changes and getting dressed. What I’m really struggling with is how upset these things seem to make him now.
I’ve always tried to respond quickly to his needs, and have never done cry it out or similar (no judgement, I just don’t think it would work for us). But now he seems to by crying or protesting all the time! I’m trying to choose my battles and be patient, but most of the things upsetting him are total non-negotiables like teeth brushing, nappy changes or crawling towards danger, so I obviously have to act!

Is this a phase? Will it affect our attachment? I miss my happy baby and find it so hard to know how to calm him down because I never really had to before. I’m also finding day-to-day really draining, and it’s making me dread a lot of interactions because I know he’ll cry.
Thanks in advance for any wise words, advice or solidarity x

This can be a really frustrating age, often they mellow a little when they can walk and then a little more when they can talk.

Don't worry about attachment - as I understand it, attachment issues arise in children who are neglected or abused, not children whose parents insist on a nappy change. You're going to spend a huge amount of time over the next couple of years saying no and infuriating him because he wants to play with the sharp knife or run into traffic or chew on a choking hazard.

It's really really hard but it's all very normal.

Babies that age can be tricky…I think we changed a few things at this age:

• Did standing nappy changes so you aren’t making them lie down
• Only went in the high chair with food and came out as soon as food was done - he very quickly figured out how to stand up in high chair so obviously it became unsafe to let him get bored in there. Annoying as I would keep him in there while I washed up before this.
• scrapped the buggy and used sling/he would walk. But was never a big fan so we used sling mostly anyhow.
• moved from infant carrier to an extended rear facing car seat that was much more sat up. And played nursery rhymes when driving.
• start getting dressed as early as possible and put more and more clothing on as you play rather than in one big chunk.

He probably wants some independence, I don’t think it will be affecting his attachment at all. It does get so much easier when they are confident walkers and as pp said, when they are talking it really helps too.

Honestly OP, I've had four children and they all do this.
It's just their growing awareness of their independence.

He'll be calmer when he's about four.

Thanks everyone for the tips and reassurance. They change so fast and it always catches me out, so it’s good to be reminded that I can make some changes and this too shall pass.
I think I just feel like I’ve spent his whole life up to this point stopping him from crying, and now everything I do makes him cry!
@Pastaf0rbreakfast I changed him standing up earlier on and also carried him home from the park instead of buggy and it did make a big difference, and then I had more energy for the tears at dinner time. Thanks again everyone x

I promise you you're not doing anything wrong!
This is just what babies do.
All of them!

My 11mo is the exact same. Another thing I find useful is changing both nappies and clothes right when he wakes up for the day or wakes up from his naps. I usually have to wake him up so I find he is still a bit sleepy and also hasn't been excited by toys so it can make it easier.

Might be worth a try!

I think it'd probably help if you shifted your focus from 'trying to stop him crying'. It's not your job to stop your baby from crying. It's not your job to stop your child from feeling sad, or angry, or any feeling. It's part of being human, we all feel those things, and all feelings are good feelings, even sad/mad ones.

It is your job to support him through those feelings, and even though he's only 11 months you can start practising that now so that as he grows it becomes second nature to him. So name the feeling, recognise it's ok to feel that way, and hold the boundary.

Let's say he's crying during a nappy change.

'You're sad you're having your nappy changed huh, you want to keep playing. It's ok to feel sad about that. We're going to change your nappy super fast so you don't get a sore bottom and then we can play!'

It might feel strange saying all of this to a baby but this sort of thought process around emotions will set up a healthy relationship with his feelings and how to manage them. The first 3 years is the foundation for how he'll act and react in all areas of his life as an adult.

DS is 2.3 now and has been grumpy his entire life so far. Every car journey, nappy change, pram trip etc results in a meltdown and it's draining. You should have seen the state he got himself in at bath time. Absolutely bloody hates it.

I've come to the conclusion that he'll come out of it in his own time.... how my ears will fare is another question.

Good luck. Hope it's short lived.

@addler This is such great advice, thank you! I'm definitely guilty of trying to make things 'better' all the time and you're so right, he needs to learn that it's OK to feel upset or frustrated sometimes. Started as we mean to go on this morning with the nappy change 🙂

I feel for you @Milkand2sugarsplease it's so draining! It's come as a surprise to me having this little person with all these opinions already - I wasn't expecting the 'tantrums' until much later!!