Does everyone without kids actively engage more with children or do I need to up my parenting?

[PeachesoutinGeorgia]

Sorry to post so much recently, I’m such a worrier.

We’re on a family holiday at the moment and my sons the only child here, no one else has kids yet. I can’t help but notice the way everyone is so involved with him and I’m so so grateful but it’s honestly making me feel like a pretty shit mum at the same time.

They wouldn’t be able to be this caring and playful if they had him all the time right? …. Right? 😫 Or am I genuinely the worlds worst mum.

I think we need more info.

Are you talking about the people you're actually on holiday with? I would assume they are just trying to bond with your DS.

As for whether that means anything about your parenting, that depends on what your parenting is like! It is pretty normal though from my recollection for other family members to offer to play a game with kids at events etc.

I was a fabulous aunt. I'm a mediocre mother

It's like dating versus marriage. Similar but different.

It really depends how much you actually engage and play with him though? Ds is 3.5 and I encourage independent play as much as possible (would never get anything done otherwise😂)
but I always make sure we do an activity after pre school together like a puzzle, baking, cooking dinner together etc and will always try to engage with him when he is playing by himself by asking him questions about what he's doing etc.

Yeah we’re all in like a lodge type thing so there’s a few of us. I mean I do talk to him (I think??? - literally doubting myself) but no where near as much as they seem to do. So have definitely noted that to work on.

There’s been a few departures and new arrivals throughout the week so I guess everyone’s energy has been pretty high. I do take him out and about at home but also do sit on the sofa whilst he trashes the lounge and shuffles his bum to some kidzbop.

Thank you @MrsTerryPratchett 🥹 This makes me feel slightly better.

Really don’t compare ‘dropping in for 20 mins - hour max to play’ to doing the everyday, all night, all the time role.

Be happy people are able to play, be happy you get the intimacy that no one else does - because you to the ‘every day, all night, all the time‘ role.

Enjoy your holiday!

No. I don't have children because I have no interest in them so would not engage with your child. Maybe your friends are trying to give you a break. Not sure what you are really asking here?

Are any of them auditioning? You know what I mean. Couples who are thinking about marriage and kids and want to look like a good prospect?

I definitely used my cousins' cute kids to snag DH. With my motherly loveliness. Crafts and all sorts. Bwahahahahaha.

I loved playing with kids before I had my own. And now mine are a little older, I love playing with my younger nieces & nephews

I also did loads & played with my own DC, but the key thing is - with your own DC, you have to parent them & all the work that goes with it. With other people's kids, you can just enjoy hanging out with them.

So, in summary, enjoy the break & you're not doing anything wrong!

When I didn't have (and didn't want!) children I absolutely loved the opportunity to play with other people's! Partly because it was such fun and a change from what I usually did- but also partly because I was conscious of being able to give the parents a break. But also, I admit, a little because I liked it when people thought I was good with children-I was pleased to be seen doing something well. My dp was the same. He is the eldest of a big family and loved the opportunity to be with babies in particular. So on family holidays we would happily spent a lot of time with the children. Because we could have all the fun without the drudgery and responsibility!

It's really easy to find something different to entertain a small child from half an hour.
But multiply that by all the hours of the day, all the days in a year...
Remember you are on holiday too!

I was a fabulous aunt. I'm a mediocre mother

And me! I was so very hands on with the family kids, like a playschool presenter. Now I am all about having a break with my phone.

Also, definitely did the ‘auditioning’…

I was fabulous with other people's children. Fabulous! Turns out I can't sustain it all day every day and I'm a very average parent.

@MrsTerryPratchett 😂 at auditioning!

It depends on what your normal is.

Other people have it spot on when they say it's easy to be the children's entertainer in short bursts. No parent is full on entertaining, amazing games, perfect connection all the time. It's much easier to be that person with someone else's child(ren).

But if with reflection you think that you might want to make some changes to be more present or hands on, that's also not a bad thing either. Part of being a parent is stepping back and deciding that something is or isn't working for you.

40 minutes of someone else’s cute baby/toddler is very different to 24/7.

Enjoy the break

I often feel like this when my mum and sister come to stay, it feels like I hardly see DD and she's always making this or doing that with granny, or reading a book with aunty. But as PP say, it's easy to be enthusiastic and engaging with a toddler when you don't have one 24/7. I also think it kind of shows how much I do with DD as otherwise I suppose I wouldn't notice her absence and feel so at a loose end. Could the same be true for you?

This is an excellent analogy! From one fun aunt and adequate mother to another 🙌😄

He's a novelty to them, a walking talking toy. He's your life. So take the break and enjoy a moment of peace.

Nobody’s parenting is going to be the same energy level as someone who doesn’t have kids and is just playing with them on holiday. It sounds like you are a good parent that just worries too much. However, I work with parents and toddlers and I’m continually stunned that some parents really don’t talk or interact with their children much. If you feel like you don’t do it enough then make a conscious effort to talk more, play more and spend time getting down to their level and you’ll maximise their opportunities to develop and learn.

You get to walk away from other people's kids once you've had enough enjoyment from entertaining them.

Think about your routines at home. Are there moments in every day where you are entirely (or mostly) focused on interacting with your child? Could be story time before bed. Could be homework time. Could be conversation over dinner. Could be chatting about school on the drive home. When you’re parenting a child, that’s what engagement looks like. You can’t do it every hour of every day because then they would be no money, no house, no food, no school admin done. You do hours and hours of work to ensure your child’s safety and happiness that doesn’t involve much engagement one on one with your child. So those interactions end up built into those little routines we have, and they change as kids grow. Fun Aunties who play games with you for hours on holiday are fantastic. But it’s a different role.

Thank you everyone for your kind words 🥹💕

You think you talk to him?
Well that bar is set pretty low.

In light of that comment then yeah I think you need to up your parenting game :/

IME - yes. My family in particular are much more intensely interactive with them. I see it as a good thing that they're not getting that all the time, as it would set ridiculous expectations of how much attention and guidance playing they should receive. Nice in moderation, but not all the time.

No, I think it's just down to the individual. I'm not really into kids as a rule and before having dc I would never play with someone else's. Even with my own I spend more time facilitating them to play with others, taking to classes and workshops and entertaining with theatre shows. But at home they play on their own and I get on with stuff. Wont holidays without a kids club. If I had a holiday without my own kids no way would I be an unpaid entertainer for someone else's child!