Help! I’m a shouty mum

[Whingeandwine3]

I’m a mum of three (DS6, DD4 & DD20m) and I am short tempered, impatient and very shouty. My fuse is short and patience is thin and I snap constantly and bark orders and honestly, this is not the mum I thought I would be. I’m a SAHM, not entirely by choice in that there is quite simply no way I could ever earn as much as my husband, who loves his job, and therefore, I’ve never been able to go back to work (I also don’t really have a career to go back to). My husband is self employed so works at every given opportunity, he travels for work every couple of weeks and is out the house most weekends and evenings. When he is here, he is VERY hands on, engaged and proactive. We have no family nearby so our ‘village’ is very small and majority of the responsibility around the house and kids falls to me (housework does not come naturally to me).

I love my kids beyond all belief, they are my whole world. I love nothing more than hanging out with them, taking them out, hanging out with mum friends on play dates and doing the school run etc. They do clubs and activities and we’re always busy, being out of the house with them is wonderful.

However, in the house, the shouty mum comes out and my poor kids get a side of me that is not always very nice. I am starting to wonder if my older two are actually scared of me and worry I’m scarring them for life. I’m so uptight, I’ve lost my fun-ness and I’m angry all the time.

Where do I go from here? My husband is very supportive and is encouraging me to sort myself out but I have no idea where to turn. Is there a specific type of therapy that deals
with mum rage and that might be able to get to the bottom of my anger? I’ve paid to have some hormone testing done as it all feels very hormone related and I am constantly reading up on ways to improve my parenting and reduce stress etc. I eat well, I try to exercise and I try to find time to do things for me (albeit mostly unsuccessfully due to my husbands work commitments) but my kids need me and to chill out and Google doesn’t seem to be able to give me an answer on this one! Any suggestions welcome 👍🏻

You need to make a conscious effort.

Imagine there's a film crew in the room. Would you be happy if anyone else saw how you speak to your kids when you are alone with them? If you can control it outside of the house, you can control it inside the house but you need to really think before you speak or you will just become background noise to your kids.

Do you think you are subconsciously angry with the kids that you have effectively lost "you" to become a full time mum with little support? You can still love them and lay down your life in a heartbeat for them whilst feeling aggrieved, they are not mutually exclusive feelings.

Your husband offering support whilst not being very present to offer hands on practical assistance reminds me of Julia's husband in Motherland "I'm there to support you fully darling, I'm 100% behind you, let me know what you get sorted..."

It's because you are on high alert / high alarm all the time - always on the lookout for danger / keeping your kids safe / making sure they're fed / that they aren't running off in the car park etc etc . Your brain and body have absorbed all this and decided you are constantly in a state of danger, so you're in fight or flight mode. All the time. So little things that wouldn't set you off normally will do so, because that's the state your nervous system is operating in.

I lived it for about 13 years until I figured that out (not by myself. With help).
The solution is to reassure yourself that you aren't in a constant state of danger, ie by activating your parasympathetic nervous system and reminding your body that while you are alert, you are calmly alert, and not in a state of alarm.

Meditation sorted it for me. Took a couple of weeks of 2 guided meditation sessions a day. Completely changed how I feel and operate. Utterly life changing for the whole family. Can absolutely recommend giving it a go.

First of all where's your husband in this? Evenings and weekends is it 50/50? Does he help with housework? Do you get a break? It's great he's supportive but that needs to translate into actual help as well as words. Also is there family who want to support or preschool to give you a break.

Yoga and meditation help me. I go to a yoga class and I do guided meditations on the calm app. Being aware of your body and thoughts really helps you understand why you are getting overwhelmed. It helps you recognise when you are getting frustrated so you can pull it back before it escalates.

Counselling could help or hypnotherapy.

When you are getting frustrated use a silly voice, this is a like trick I use that distracts me from my anger. It's impossible to shout in a silly voice.

When I was having a hard day I used to pretend I was a childminder and I was looking after someone else's children!

There's no way we'd shout at someone else's kids the way we might lose patience with our own.

Everything as FatLarrysBanned said above. I was an impatient mum and did exactly this after being given similar advice and it helped a lot.
You almost certainly will be scarring your children and they'll remember, when they grow up. And you will feel dreadful and so regret that they have those memories of you

I used to try to parent as if I had someone else in the room watching. I also apologised to my kids when I was too shouty. It's tough op.

@Whingeandwine3 sorry missed the bit in the middle about your dh! Can he rejig his hours to be there more in the evenings so you get more support

Make a note of what you were doing and what else was going on when you lost control and identify any trends in pinch points. Then you can work on avoiding them.

Are you doing too much? It's great for children to do activities but are you trying to juggle too much?

What do you do for you? Even if once a week you go to the cinema, or for a walk if you can't commit to a regular class/club

This is a really good idea and I've started using it since I also realised over the summer that i have also become shouty mum, particularly at bedtimes - which I hate excuses it's a horrible way to end the day. I do find that once I've been faking it for half an hour or so I feel much better and the anger just naturally disappears. The important thing is not to feed it, which it's so easy to do by shouting.

I also like the imagining a film crew in the house idea.

But OP, what screams out from your post is that you have zero you time. You need to carve that out. Book a long weekend away. Just tell your DH that you need it and make him facilitate it.

Also, is it worth considering if the whole family might actually be happier if you did work part time - even if you only cover childcare costs, it matters that you feel balanced and happy. My mental health was awful on mat leave and during lockdown. I need to work, even though it's a bit of a juggle sometimes.

I don't really have much advice but I understand what you're feeling. I'm a SAHM to one child and even I have to remind myself not to lose my mind and scream like a banshee! I can't imagine dealing with 3! 😩 Most of the time I am successful but if I have a bad day, don't get enough sleep because she is being difficult at night or if I'm pmsing it seems all bets are off!

It doesn't help that I come from a family of parents who constantly screamed at me so I think that plays a role because I was taught to deal with my feelings by shouting all the time. 😓

Also I practice natural family planning and noticed 2 days before I ovulate I get very cranky and hormonal. I wish it was common knowledge that this is basically pms take two! 😅

I try to remind myself that screaming is counter effective and will teach her to scream and make her behaviour worse. And I do notice her behaviour overall worsens when the screaming starts to pick up again.

It's taken a lot of practice but it is getting better. Yoga helps a lot but I try to only do it at nap time because if she is running literal and figurative circles around me then the meditation bit doesn't really take.

@FatLarrysBanned there is no doubt in my mind that most of my issues are actually with my husband and those feelings 100% come out at the kids. I’ve been very lost and I’ve spent the last year really finding myself
again, I have a great friend who encouraged me to take a short holiday with her and we’ve started to go for dinner without the kids etc. I really hope this would be a miracle cure but seems the issues run deeper than just finding me. There’s lots of resentment and possibly some childhood trauma that I think need addressing too.

I know EXACTLY what you mean about Motherland and yes, this would hit the nail on the head here to be honest. I find it hard to criticise my husband when he works hard, pulls his weight at home and with the kids but it’s also really crappy only having him here on his terms, it’s very out of my control.

Thanks for the suggestion about film crew, I’ll certainly give this a try.

@MaybeSane yes you’re probably right about the fight or flight, I was definitely a helicopter mum with my first and still am now because he depends on that now. My other two are much more independent but that doesn’t help with my need to helicopter them. Being calmly alert is not something I do well right now, and a good suggestion for something to try and focus on. I hadn’t considered meditation but certainly will look into it, thank you!

@autienotnaughty my husband, if not our at work (he works in music and live events so I’m sure you can imagine when most of that stuff is on), he’s in his home office ‘working’ which often involves listening to podcasts/watching YouTube whilst dipping in and out of the work he actually needs to do. He does help out a lot, when he’s here, with school runs and bedtime etc, but only when he ‘can’ (or wants to more like) but would never do the things that stress me out, like tea time (fussy kids and food refusal is a trigger for me) and in turn, the food shop. He tidies up/ cleans when he feels like it but never regularly and consistently and it mostly falls to me. Basically his work always comes first and I know that is a huge issue for me, maybe my biggest?! He tells me he’s trying to make his hours fit better with family life but ultimately his work isn’t overly flexible in that respect. His job satisfies every single need he has outside of our family and therefore, he’s happy to come home and can enjoy the kids because all his other needs are met. Mine are not but I sound like a spoilt brat when I bring this up and he’s working hard (and enjoying it) for our family to have a lovely life. I can’t win really because he is a great dad and husband but I need more - this is 100% where my issues lie 🫣

I’d love to do counselling but ideally I’d find someone with experience in this area and I’m struggling to find someone. Hypnotherapy is top of my list, I’ve had this before for a phobia and it helped massively, this might give me the lift I need to get more long term help. Thank you!

@Singleandproud activities are fairly minimal right now thankfully but definitely enough for children this young, maybe more balance could be sought if my husband was here and able to help out but he quite simply cannot commit to regularly helping so I never know if I’m coming or going with that. In terms of what I do for me - I would love to join a regular tap class (something I used to do when I had one child and more time) or exercise class but with my husbands work, I can’t guarantee I can go every week, or at all, and therefore I’ve given up on that. I try to go out with the school mums once a month and I went on holiday recently with a friend (sans kids) but again, at the discretion of my husbands work. Maybe finding a register babysitter could help there 🤔

@yukoandhiro will definitely try to fake it more, I wonder if I’ve written myself off completely at this point and maybe a bit more effort could help to disperse the shouty from both sides. Zero time would probably cover it quite well, I cannot guarantee any regular free time ever and that really grinds on me. He is good at facilitating any time I ask for, around his work of course, but I feel like a spoilt child putting my demands in when I should be grateful for the fact I get to be a SAHM. My two eldest are in school but I have my youngest at home still and we’re not in a position to send her to childcare for another 6 months at least. I’m about to start a flexible part time job working from home which will require my Husband to do the whole morning routine/school drop off for majority of the week - when he’s here - so I’m hoping that gives me some respite. It’s a role I can adapt so that might give me some control back in my own life. 🤞🏻

Thanks all, writing this down has been therapeutic in itself and has highlighted that maybe my issues are more to do with resentment, lack of time to myself and lack of control and balance in our lives. As I say, my husband is very open to addressing these issues but I know nothing will change with his work. I just don’t want my kids to grow up with a shouty mum and be damaged by it, certainly lots to think about and work on! ☺️

Hi Op, I too am a shouty mum (shouty parents growing up too 🫤 ) and it’s something I have to continually work at.
Some great advice here which I’ll try to adopt too but can I also throw my penny’s worth into the mix…
There’s an app called Insight Timer which is free and has meditations, yoga nidras and sleep music etc if you didn’t want to pay for a subscription to one like Calm. It’s very good, I use it every morning.
Another thing is to consider journaling, especially if therapy isn’t an option right now. Just writing about how you’re feeling, what’s pissing you off, what your needs and wants are and things you can do for you etc can help to sort things in your head a bit and you might find some answers/plans to address your needs and identify issues etc. Could it be something you did in the morning before kids are up or before you go to bed? Just a brain dump sometimes but I find it helps me to get it out.
I have some of your issues, SAHM, lovely life but hubby works long hours, no family support so it all falls to me. I’m hoping to go back to work soon now kids at school as a pp said and I lost myself for a while, slowly getting back to myself again and the journaling helped - as wanky as all that sounds 😂
Good luck and start being more selfish, you deserve it and need it!

I have three kids- not SAHM because it's way too intense and I would murder one of them at least but 🙋🏼‍♀️ I shout at my kids. Sometimes I yell. Occasionally I hiss at them to "stop dicking around". They push my buttons. I yell. We make up and we all move on. If your life is so stressful, make some changes to protect your mental wealth- take some time without them, go to the gym, have a hike, drink 3 beers on a Tuesday.

Another shouty mum checking in! 2 DC (9 & 6), work part-time (10-4, 5 days a week) and also a supportive husband but one who was in the military until 3 years ago so I was solo parenting Monday to Friday during the newborn and toddler years for both kids (plus DH left for a 6 month stint in Afghanistan when oldest DC was 12 weeks old, and I still don't think I am over that).

I am trying so hard not to be shouty because I'm worried that I'm damaging my relationship with my DD in particular - not helped by the fact that presently her attitude is 9 going on 15 😤

Anyway, I've signed up to getting the weekly newsletter from Aha Parenting which has lots of useful advice that I think is helping me. These articles in particular really struck a cord.

When You Lose it With Your Child: 5 Tips To Repair (ahaparenting.com)

Being hard on yourself doesn't make you a better parent. (ahaparenting.com)

Solidarity, it is hard and no one is perfect so do the best you can.

This one too: How can I stop yelling at my kids? (ahaparenting.com)

I think maybe having a sit down and explaining to your children that you don't mean to shout at them like you do and that you love them etc may help them understand that it isn't necessarily them always being bad. Parenting is tough. But owning it and apologising to them will help repair any damage (if there is any).
Think about something your parents did that had given you some sort of trauma, now imagine if they apologised to you and actually explained why they did it, it would help the adult you to understand that it wasn't the child you!

I would really recommend getting a part time job, not for the money, but for you and your sanity.

I worked 3 days when the DC were pre school and I really enjoyed my days at home, completely changed how I felt about it.

It also means that you can take the odd day of leave when your DC are in childcare, which is amazing.

Interesting what the PP said about being on high alert and in fight or flight mode. I think that was me too.

Solidarity on the DH front. I have one who's work has always come first and I would much prefer him to earn less and share other responsibilities more.

Is there any way you could look for a part time job that would fit around school and nursery hours? I know you say you don't have a career to go back to but for now maybe don't worry about career progression, just focus on finding something that fits with childcare. Might help to not be with your children 100% of the time. I would be shouty too if I was a SAHM to three little kids!

I think working will really help, but I would be a bit wary about your work time not being respected given what you've said about your relationship with your DH if it's flexible, part time WFH. Can you get book yourself some set time each week in a co working space or similar? Or look for something where you need to be out of the house?

I can get like this when I've not had enough time apart from my kids and I lose all perspective.

@Whingeandwine3

It sounds like he's fulfilled in life and you facilitated that but it's not reciprocated

Sorry to keep spamming, but this week’s newsletter has a good article. Now, just to remember to put it into practice!

https://www.ahaparenting.com/read/how-can-you-stay-cool-when-your-kid-acts-up