How does everyone cope?

[Girlmumma1]

I'll keep it short, or you'll be here forever.

I'm really really struggling lately with keeping on top of everything. My brain constantly feels on high alert or stressed. I feel like I'm constantly forgetting to do something. The to do list keeps growing quicker than I can get them done. And I'm feeling like I'm just miserable all the time because of it. Why can't I just forget everything and enjoy the moment? Take each day as it comes. I'm getting on my own nerves feeling so negative all the time, but I genuinely have no idea how people do it?

There's always something. The washing, the cleaning, the dishwasher, birthdays to remember, house jobs that need doing, shopping, deciding dinners, cooking. I'm trying to get healthy and drop the weight but never seem to find time for exercise and because I'm constantly feeling stressed and on edge I'm just eating crap, and drinking wine on the weekends!

Doesn't help that I'm also currently searching for a new job after mat leave that seems impossible so that's on the back of my mind constantly too! 🤦🏻‍♀️

My DH is really helpful and does help out but it's a headache constantly having to remind him to do things! So I just end up doing everything myself. I resent the fact that his life has barely changed since having our daughter. I can't even shower or pee in peace without having to find something to keep her amused!

Sorry for the rant/moan I'm just really struggling to fit everything in and feel like days and weeks are flying by and I've achieved nothing but being a stress head,

It's called "mental load" and your DH needs to step up and do things without being reminded.

Try not to beat yourself up about cleaning and washing, as long as the place is reasonably hygienic and you all have something to wear.

Come up with a meal plan, including some your DH can make - even if it's soup and a baked potato (healthy!).

Also arrange some times for him to have your daughter so you can have some time to yourself.

How old is your daughter?

I cope because my DH is an adult and not like another child to manage. The issue here is your DH.

If he can manage at work without someone holding his hand, he can do the same at home too.

l have days / weeks like this where it all feels a slog. Defo agree to have a chat with your DH about noticing things and doing them without being asked. Or split some things that are each your responsibility so then you can just forget about the things that he’s taking care of.
I know it’s hard but try and let some things slide, eg leave some washing up til tomorrow if it means you can all have bath time or story time together or whatever it is in the evening. We try and do the odd spontaneous thing - on one of the hot eves lately we sat outside with a beer chatting after DS had gone to bed instead of our usual collapse on the sofa and watch tv. It just broke the monotonous routine a bit.

Put everything in your phone notes and all plans in a shared calendar of some kind so your DH can see what is coming up too to help plan.
A white board with meals for the week really helped me too.

But give yourself a break, you’re doing an amazing job even it doesn’t seem like it to yourself. Xx

Thanks for responding. I think the problem is sometimes it easier to do things myself because then I know they're done. Although now I'm at a point where I'm like it's your families birthday, you get cards and presents and if it's not done it's your problem.
I think a lot just automatically falls to the woman when you're on mat leave when it comes to childcare/general life admin.

I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed with it all!

I said he needs reminding to do things, I didn't say he was another child to manage? I wouldn't have married him if that was the case. Just because sometimes I have to ask him to do things, doesn't mean the problem is with him. But of course someone was going to jump to this conclusion.

The post was also more to get it off my chest and maybe get some support from other working mums.

But thanks for the comment, I'll double check and make sure no one's holding his hand at work, wouldn't want to have to start doing his job too 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️

It doesn't automatically fall to the woman on mat leave, it's a product of our society that views childcare and home management as tasks for women that men (often) don't need to care about. Now is the time to get your DH to understand that being female doesn't make you responsible for everything. When you're on mat leave, your job is to look after your baby and any housework or admin that gets done around that is a bonus. When your DH is home, then all childcare and house/life stuff needs to be shared.

You can get your DH to make a list of all the stuff that needs doing at home, and currently who does what. See if he can see if it's unbalanced and unfair.

Definitely his responsibility for his family's birthday cards and birthday and Christmas presents.

If he works normal office hours, get him to have DD for a dedicated few hours on a Saturday. If you've got the energy, go out for a walk for example. It will help him appreciate that you're not just lounging around at home with tons of time while on mat leave!

Also get outside with baby. Good for mental and physical health.

Thank you. I also think hormones are playing a huge part because I always feel so unmotivated and slugggish after ovulation! Never had it before as I was always on birth control!

Thanks for the tips. Me and DH have a shared Callander, and also have a white board for meals. He does a lot when me and my daughter are out the house, like washing and dishwasher etc but sometimes I just feel like I want to just go and have a bath whilst he does dinner time! And he does offer a lot of the time to go out or take time to myself but I feel guilty?! But sometimes I think I wish he'd just read my mind when I'm having a bad day and just take over 🤣 maybe that's a me problem!

I think it's just taken its toll a bit this week!

Thanks for the responses. I'm not sure what I was after from this post, mainly to get it off my chest I suppose, but I think it's kinda been read that I'm moaning that my DH does nothing, ever, and that's not really the case.

It was more so what the first poster said, it's the mental load, there's always something to think about. Trying to find a job, manage childcare, trying to lose weight, I'm just finding it all a bit much at the moment and as I say, I think hormones are also playing a big part.

My DH helps a lot, and he's a great dad. Just because sometimes I have to ask him to do something that he should probably just be more observant of, doesn't mean there's a big problem
With him! I think because I'm a bit of a control freak he's used to me doing everything so delegating and getting a list of who does what is a good idea and I'll speak to him about that and go from there.

Sorting out his family birthday cards/presents is a prime example. Don't put that on yourself, it should be his responsibility.

It's also telling that you feel like a lot of things automatically fall to the woman. It can be that way but it doesn't have to be.

I hope it gets better and you can feel less overwhelmed very soon.

Feeling the same. Have a 2.5 year old DS and he is really testing the waters these days 😭 any tips? Just feeling constantly overwhelmed with the 'mental load' and then the COL crisis is not helping, I'm fine thankfully financially but it still worries me.

@SouthLondonMum22
I completely agree, hence why I've now made that his responsibility. And that's partly on me for taking the responsibility for that in the first place.

This is the thing though, it doesn't have to be down to the women, but it just is sometimes and like others have said, that's a lot to do with society and how it used to be long ago. I also feel that it falls on me more so now because I don't work, I don't bring anything in at the moment which is adding to the stress. When I do get a job and I'm working things will certainly be more 50/50 and I won't take the responsibility for everything but this is what I'm trying to get at, I feel like because I'm not working it's all on my shoulders and I'm just struggling with it all. I feel bad asking my husband to watch out daughter so I can have some free time, but why do I? I feel like I need to keep the house clean/tidy and on top of everything, but why do I need to take that all on myself? It's like my brain needs to be untrained!

Sorry - bit of another rant there. Maybe I need a therapist. Not that I can afford one!

I have no tips I'm afraid, but I feel you. And mines only just over a year old! I feel like my brain never switches off. 😭

The COL crises petrified me, and I've always been so independent so finding it hard to lean on my husband financially at the minute it makes me feel a bit like a failure. Think I'll feel better once I have a job and can get a bit of myself back again in a professional sense. But that's proving difficult too 🤦🏻‍♀️

Hope you feel better soon! 🤞🏻

I understand. Definitely work on having your DH spend time alone with your daughter, it will be good for all of you but especially nice for DH and your daughter to have some alone time together.

Sorry, the problem is your DH. And yourself and your way of thinking about parenthood and housework.

You say he 'helps' - this implies it's inherently your task that he voluntarily does some of. The same applies to you 'delegating' things.

This shit doesn't get better, I'm afraid - once birthday parties and after school activities are going on, and they need an egg box on a Wednesday and a PE kit on a Monday and 50p for a lolly on a Friday etc - it goes on forever. It is also harder when you're working and have 101 other things to remember, and less time.

You will become resentful and less close to DH unless you address it sooner rather than later. Plenty of women put up with this for a few years with gritted teeth, then their DH starts to find them dull/naggy, the woman realises she's basically doing it all herself so she might as well be a single parent.

That's a bit drastic but it is important to change how you think as well as what you do. This would include deciding on some jobs that are entirely his, from start to finish (housework has three parts: noticing it needs to be done, sussing how to do it, doing it. Easy for men to only do the last bit). Yes, he might make mistakes or do things differently, that's how it goes.

Also decide on a bit of time you get to yourself to just blob out and have a bath, watch a film etc. Maybe DH could take DC out on a weekend morning regularly, etc.

You might want to read this https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

There's also a checklist somewhere that the Swedish government made of all the jobs to be done in running a house - you could make your own list and see who does what now, who should do it in future.

And no, don't bloody get his family cards. He does it or it doesn't get done.

I think go easy on yourself OP, your little one is still little and motherhood changes everything, agree with all previous posters, having an open and honest conversation with your DP will help. Sometimes men are so clueless they don't even realise how much we take on mentally until we spell it out to them. No excuse but it is what it is.

Perhaps it's worth thinking about the fact that you have risked your life and ongoing health to create your shared child. And now you are providing childcare, after recovering from the birth, so saving the cost of putting your child into childcare instead. So, yes, you're not bringing in a wage other than maternity pay at the moment, but you are saving significant outgoings too. You are a partnership with your DH and you have just done a task for him that only you could do (grow and birth a baby). It's reasonable that he supports you financially whilst you recover and care for your baby.

If the intention is that your husband does 50:50 once you have a job make him do that now.

Firstly it won’t be such a shock to the system for him when things have to change. But secondly and more importantly, looking for a job is a full time job in itself. You need time to do applications, send off your CV and interview. You need to be in the right frame of mind and have headspace for it all. He needs to think of it as an investment because the money whole family will be better off when you are working.

(When DH was made redundant I took the DC out for at least 10-15 hours a week to facilitate his job search. It was harder for me but time well spent in the long run.)

You've literally hit the nail on the head! This is exactly the problem, I need to get my mindset changed but I'm struggling with how.

That's what I hate, I hate that I feel like I'm asking for help. The amount of times I've just screamed "it's your bloody house too! Why do I do everything!" But then I carry on doing everything anyway. I had a big melt down to him once and he started doing more and then he did some washing and it was all of his stuff in the wash! I was fuming.

That's the problem, I do feel like a nag already because sometimes I wish he'd just open his eyes or use his brain and just do stuff without needing to be asked or reminded and I've spoken to him about it numerous times, I think I need to get it all written out properly and get some things in place because that's my worry, it all gets a lot worse.

Thank you for the response, it's much appreciated.

I think the big problem is my own mindset. I need to stop also being a control freak and just let things be as they are, like someone else said.

I have zero headspace because work situation is taking up a lot of stress. It's that battle of do I work more days and send her to nursery or do I do less days and keep her at home (which is my preferred option, as nursery is expensive and I also would prefer to spend the time with her!) but finding a job that's only a couple of days a week seems impossible! Without having to give up evenings or weekends.

I hope this thread has made you feel less alone! Perhaps you could write a list of jobs and go through it with your DH and allocate (even if some are a shared allocation). You'll need it even more when you find a job!

If you like your HV, they might have some suggestions?

And for the future? Make him prime contact when she starts school ;-)

the way I managed it with dh is that certain jobs are 100% his and certain jobs are 100% mine.

I do the cooking. He does the dishwasher/washing up.

That way I don;t even think about HIS jobs. But that also means I have to let go and allow him to do it his way, which isn't always my way.

And I work part time, so I have more time. He works full time. But occasional weeks I work full time and on those weeks, when I meal plan he does half the cooking, or sometimes all of it, if I am busy. By meal planning, he can see that he is on cooking Mon and Wed, and I just let him do it, no reminders.
If I am away, then he plans, shops and cooks. We use a calendar so we can both see when we are here or not.

To get rid of all the mental load, you actually have to let it go and hand it over.

This is how we do it. So, for example, I do everything related to food: meal planning, shopping, cooking, clearing the kitchen after, and more recently teaching the DC how to cook. He does everything to do with clothes: laundry, putting clothes away, buying clothes and uniforms for the children, labelling clothes for school and shopping for clothes when they grow out of them. Obviously if I’m out he’ll feed the kids and if I’m working from home I’ll put a wash on, so we do help each other out neither of us would expect to have to get too involved in the other person’s jobs.