How to get a 4 year old to play by herself?

[beehappy19]

Can anyone offer any advice on this or is this just normal behaviour?

my little girl who is almost 4 wants constant attention 24/7. When she doesn’t get it she’ll sometimes wee by the toilet on purpose or do something naughty as I think as long as she’s getting attention (good or bad) she doesn’t care. She wants us to be involved in her games all the time and at the moment wants to play the same game every morning for hours . She doesn’t seem able to play by herself at all or even play with any toys. Obviously I love playing with her and giving her attention but it just isn’t possible for 4 hours straight on a morning and then same again after nursery. I’m unable to get any jobs done around the house or prepare a meal at all if she’s there as she’s so demanding. I try setting her up with something but she quickly gets bored. She will watch tv but I feel like it’s bad to use this all the time and again only lasts so long. It’s exhausting though.
She does go to school nursery 5 afternoons a week but the mornings and evenings are so difficult when I’m not at work. She’s always been like this but I think I just thought when she was a bit older she would be able to entertain herself for short periods.

It is hard at this age. I have a similar DD. I find mine settles best to play right after mealtimes, so any jobs I need to do around the house I try and fit them in straight after a meal as she is more likely to play independently then. E.g. I will prep the evening meal straight after breakfast. And I'm then available for her at other times.

Also sometimes if I give her a solid 15 mins or so of my undivided attention, being fully in her imaginary world, she is more likely to be able to play independently away from me after having that solid chunk of my interaction.

I also rotate toys and in the evening for example I will dig something out from the bottom of the toy box and leave it on the floor for her to discover in the morning. It seems to catch her attention and helps her to focus on something.

You could set up her toys in an unusual situation for her, e.g. get a mixing bowl of water and put some plastic animals in it or something the night before and she might find that interesting to look at in the morning.

I think they are also doing a great deal of growing at the moment so keep on with regular healthy, filling snacks and meals. My DD's ability to concentrate is really clearly linked to whether she's hungry or not, and the type of foods she eats. She's just not able to concentrate on anything before mealtimes or if she's getting a bit hungry in the afternoons. She plays nicely when she's settled and eaten.

You just need to keep redirecting her back to playing by herself.

Make sure she knows the plan i.e. that this period of playing by herself isn't going to last forever and there will be time with you after. So for example, while eating breakfast 'DD after breakfast you'll need to play with your toys while I load the dishwasher and sort out xyz, after that you can choose a game for us to play together'.

Then stick to that. Do not play with her until the set things are done. Send her back to her toys everytime. Let her whinge. Let her cry. Let her stomp around. Let her yell you you're the worst mummy. Just constantly, calmly redirect her to her toys. Then when the tasks are done play with her as planned.

If she wees on the floor or anything like this, ignore until you've done your jobs and then say 'oh no!! I wanted to play with you DD, but now I have to clean up this wee!'. Make her understand she's losing your time because now you have even more to do.

Next time, remind her in advance 'try not to wee on the floor because I really want to play with you when I'm done with my jobs'.

Keep the time short initially and build slowly.

This response is perfect! Normally I’d say don’t ignore negative behaviour but I think in this case you need to.

Why don't you get her to help you with the jobs? Then she gets attention and you get things done.

Or say to her 'For the next ten minutes you can choose whether to play with your toys or come and help me with x' - if they get to choose to go away to play that is emotionally different to being left alone to play.

Have you tried giving a "task"? My almost 4 year old isn't great at playing by himself, but if I say "can you do me a really cool set up while I wash up?" he'll happily do that. Or he "cleans the taps" on the bathroom sink while I clean the bath out.