My daughter lied to her teacher that I slap her so the teacher doesn't tell me she was grounded

[Minaaleeza]

Ok..so my 5 years had a bad day at school and said to her teacher don't tell mummy that I didn't listen cuz she will slap me...I don't slap her or smack her even! I do be strict with her at home because I have a 2 years old baby and she's copying her in everything, jumping from sofas to the floor,playing on stairs,not sleeping on time and laying aswell..social worker met her at school,she said mummy is nice and we are best friend but she's strict and shout at me when I'm naughty ,I was not proud that I hear she's scared of me but in the same the social worker kept saying I need to come to ur House to discuss the slapping that happened!I denied it 100 times and I don't believe in slapping a weak child but I believe in despline and to make sure she's safe while playing or her sister safety..
Any advice how to deal with his false allegations against me even though my daughter said she only shout sometimes..I don't mind learning more about parenting and work with social services but I m not accepting accusations without evidence..kids can say all sorts of things to escape from bad situations

The social worker (and school) will come from a place that believes the child.

The social worker isn't a court where you are guilty or innocent of something. They will likely ask if you will agree to a child in need plan and in that plan look at parenting strategies etc. The plan is effectively a series if targets you all agree to work towards. Once you've completed them, the plan can close and hopefully you feel better prepared in your parenting.

Can you explain please what child in need plan?
Is it a course?

I would talk to DD about it. Be careful not to sound upset at all, because if something ever does happen to DD you want her to tell someone. Ask her how she feels about home life and discipline.

When I threatened to call the abuse line on my mum (me having a tantrum) she just said that’s fine, it’s your right to call and report abuse. But remember they will take you away, not me. I was older, but it made me think about the consequences.

From what you describe, it sounds like social care are doing an assessment now. There are several outcomes to the assessment:

• no further role for social care and case closes
• you are offered and accept lower level support, so it would be stepped down to a framework called "Early Help".
• social care consider your child as in need of support and you agree to work with social care in putting this support in place. This is called a Child In Need (CIN) Plan
• social care consider your child is at significant risk of harm and so agree (with other professionals) to put your child on a Child Protection (CP) Plan.

The CIN Plan means your child gets a social worker, they will make "a plan", which is a series of objectives to achieve. You have a say in what these are and they are agrees with you. The objectives are centered around supporting the child. They should be strength based, so not looking to make you feel judged, just improve your family situation.

SW will agree with you a schedule for seeing the children and you. They'll be meetings every 6 weeks to update on how the plan is going. School, health etc will be at these meetings, but all with a view to supporting your family. Over time, you tick off the objectives until all are done, then the case closes. Ususlly 4-6 months, but very much depends on the complexity of your family needs.

She already told me mummy I'm sorry for saying you slap me ,I don't know why I said it 😔 I'm not blaming her she's just a kid testing boundaries and after what happened I don't think she will lie again

She's only 5 but she's about to get a good lesson in what happens when you tell these kind of lies, assuming it is a lie.

I assumed this was a secondary age child for some reason.

I'm not sure how they can investigate I mean if it was true you obviously wouldn't hurt her in front the social worker.

They have to take every accusation seriously though don't they?

Was your dd scared that you would shout at her for talking in class?

I had this dd told her teacher her dad had pushed me down the stairs and caused an injury (I was injured at that point but it happened at work and was well documented by them) At that point we had been separated for years and he never has laid a finger on me.
Sw spoke with dd and decided no further action.
I imagine it will be something similar.
Dd did (and still does) have a wild imagination and some of the stories she'd tell the teachers was insane!
She once told them we were moving to Africa to help the people over there!
We weren't doing anything of the sort!

Maybe she will talk to SW and tell them it didn't happen.

It may be worth looking at how you parent and discipline as maybe your dd is frightened of your reactions when she does something wrong, and it's manifesting in this kind of lie.

What do you mean the teacher grounded her?

The trouble is at this point they will just assume she's been coached by her mum.

Unless there are any serious concerns about other aspects of your DD's life, they are unlikely to put you on a child in need plan even if you had smacked your child. The resources aren't there to investigate everyone for even moderately worrying situations. But there are concerning things about this situation and as a SW (I'm not one) there are loose threads that I'd have to explore to find out what's going on here.

She bite her friend that day that's why she was grounded..also she has a record since nursery of not listening to them and always in naughty chair.
She talks about everything happens and we do and what we eat,if i frequently slap her or shout always she would of told them long time ago..the fact that she bite her friend made her feel scared cuz I will ground her at home (no TV or Ipad) and she will lose pocket money of a week..she done that to distruct me from the fact she bite her friend

Social services are so stretched right now that I think things have to be pretty dire for families to be prioritised right now - that's not excusing the situation though. Your 5 year old shouldn't be that scared of you.

This isn't a judgement because I have been at a point where I was stressed and mentally broken and burnt out - and I've been an awful parent at times. I've shouted at my children and been nasty, I'm not proud of some of my parenting but I recognise that it was unhealthy and unfair. There's no shame in asking for support in that respect. I don't think there's a single parent on the planet who can say they've never made a single mistake that they regret.

She had time out in an other office because she bite her friend in play ground,my DD knows she will be face some consequences at home for doing that..I can't just it's ok baby you don't worry..she bite a child!I only shout on her in these case where she does or say something bad at school or when she endangered her baby sister (she put once pillows over her )shows her how to jump from the top of sofa ect...

We had a similar situation after our second child was born, where the first child suddenly had to learn how to behave around a baby and was therefore told off more frequently than before. This resulted in them complaining to the teacher that they had been grabbed and shouted at by a parent. This was true, however the child failed to mention that they had just been endangering the wellbeing of their little newborn sibling. After talking to the headteacher the situation was resolved as thankfully the headteacher did not see it necessary to involve social services.
While I can appreciate that teachers or childcare providers need to watch out for abusive situations, it can feel very intimidating as a parent to be accused in this way. Surely a calm discussion with the teaching staff should have put an end to this before it was escalated?

They don't speak to parent cuz they are scared on child facing more trouble at home..my husband doesn't help me at all with them(except taking them out sometimes) he only change baby nappy once and she's 2 now!he was brought up in a family that mum does it all ( pakistani family)I think some time for myself without kids to feel better,didn't go out alone for 2 years!

I do regret shouting on her but she literally doesn't listen at all,throwing tantrums everywhere house,shops,school and father always saying to her its ok and doesn't take her actions seriously

I know people are quick to put bad behaviour onto a disorder but do you think you could chat to the doctor about adhd? I have autism and dd is on a waiting list for adhd / autism. How my dd reacts isn't how a lot of kids would and the doctors think their are enough concerns to refer her.

Obviously this could just be her personality. Has bc she always not listened? Could she be jealous of the baby?

Both I think! There is a gap of 4 years between them so she was always the only one then boom someone else taking me..my older was bottle fed and second one is breast fed so she always feeling I treat baby better ..I explained she's a baby and don't understand and need help ..

I could have written a lot of that myself. We are human, we have our own needs and if those needs are not being met we can't be the parents we want to be. It is a huge adjustment for children when they get a new sibling and breastfeeding only makes things harder too. Your husband needs to step up - just because he might be used to things being done a certain way, doesn't make it right. You have got to take care of yourself and your own needs in order to be the best mum you can be - and that means he needs to take care of you too by making sure you are getting breaks. I found having special days for just me and my eldest helpful when my youngest was able to be left with others. That might help if she's feeling pushed out, or even just an activity that the baby can't help with like cooking together or making something?

My then 5 year old told the teacher I make him and his brother each scrub a floor of the house and if they don't do it, I threaten them with a chainsaw 🥴 luckily they thought to ask his brother (year above) and when ds immediately backtracked, they didn't take it further. So I feel for you OP, it's really awful!

Hope it gets smoothed over for you soon.

Omg please pray for us..its very hard time 😔 I Want my child to have good relationship with me and dad..I guess the stress over me is too much..I live in inlaws (pakistani family)I'm not pakistani so it's very hard.my mother in law doesn't help at all..she goes parties ,travel and when we talk about moving out she starts pretending she's sick and old (she's only 50) no special needs or sickness..so I'm feeling trapped..all my descions are always based on the whole family benefits..

So not only is the school punishing your daughter for bad behaviour, you punish her again when she gets home?
maybe your daughter needs some positive praise and not all negative!

Of course OP should be reinforcing the schools discipline at home! Its the parents that go 'oh no, did the mean teacher put you in time out and make you sad? Lets go out for ice cream' that end up wondering why their kids are entitled brats. School is not there to parent your child for you. They shouldn't be teaching your child not to bite, you should as a parent.

Personally I don't agree with the punishments necessarily, grounding and pocket money doesn't mean much for a 5yo and she should discipline without shouting but appropriate punishment at home for bad behaviour at school is definitely appropriate.