6-year-old terrified of death

Tailfeather · 2023-09-20T20:18:04+00:00

My DS6 has become obsessed with dying. Crying every night saying he never wants to die. I don't know what to say. I can't promise he wont, obviously, and I've told him it wont be for a very, very long time (hopefully!), but he just says he never, ever wants to die. Is this s natural phase? Does anyone have any advice as to what I can say? Ww haven't had any deaths apart from his great-grandma, but he was a baby, so it isn't a reaction to a family death or anything like thar. Thank you.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 20/09/2023 21:20

Has he watched something? I always say if death ever comes up with my 6yr old, what happens after death depends on what you believe and talk through all the different ideas vaguely ie. Reincarnation, heaven- what do you think heaven would be?
Not a concern as most people die when old and we live so long now.

You don’t actually need to tackle the issue of death but rather his anxiety.

NuffSaidSam · 20/09/2023 21:22

I think you need to dig into what it is that scares him. Is it the actual dying? He maybe thinks it hurts/will be scary. Or what will happen after he does? Maybe he's heard about hell or similar.

I would go with telling him he will die, we all will, but it's nothing to be scared of.

Original poster

Tailfeather · 20/09/2023 22:13

I've said that it'll just be like going to sleep but hopefully he'll be very, very old and tired. It didn't help!!!

We've had lots of cuddles and chats.

I don't think he's watched anything scary. He's not even into films, so hasn't watched The Lion King or Finding Nemo or anything where characters die. He plays games like Super Mario Karts but they don't die, you just lose...

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Jackydaytona · 20/09/2023 22:17

Don't say its like going to sleep!!

There are books but they are more on bereavement - badgers parting gifts might be suitable

Backtothe90ties · 20/09/2023 22:18

Personally I would distract him if he brings it up again. Read a book or tell him a joke. If you are becoming anxious about him asking he may well pick up on that. You’ve explained it so I would have a stock phrase like ‘we’ve discussed this and it won’t be for a long time so we don’t need to worry about it now’ and then move him onto something else.

User65412 · 20/09/2023 22:22

No ideas but I had this as a child at the same age. I don't know where it came from or why. My teacher said I was a deep thinker! I remember vividly how scared I was and still feel a bit sick when I think about it now. I'm not sure if that's just a memory of the fear rather than still actually being scared of death though.
It just got better with time and my mum tried not to make a big deal out of it.

Original poster

Tailfeather · 20/09/2023 22:29

User65412 · 20/09/2023 22:22

No ideas but I had this as a child at the same age. I don't know where it came from or why. My teacher said I was a deep thinker! I remember vividly how scared I was and still feel a bit sick when I think about it now. I'm not sure if that's just a memory of the fear rather than still actually being scared of death though.
It just got better with time and my mum tried not to make a big deal out of it.

That's interesting. It's obviously a rational fear! None of us want to die!

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Original poster

Tailfeather · 20/09/2023 22:29

Jackydaytona · 20/09/2023 22:17

Don't say its like going to sleep!!

There are books but they are more on bereavement - badgers parting gifts might be suitable

I know!!!! I regretted it once I said it but didn't know what to say!

Thanks. I'll have a look.

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Original poster

Tailfeather · 20/09/2023 22:30

Backtothe90ties · 20/09/2023 22:18

Personally I would distract him if he brings it up again. Read a book or tell him a joke. If you are becoming anxious about him asking he may well pick up on that. You’ve explained it so I would have a stock phrase like ‘we’ve discussed this and it won’t be for a long time so we don’t need to worry about it now’ and then move him onto something else.

Thank you. I'm sure it'll cone up tomorrow, so will try this then.

Off to google jokes!

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banhmi · 20/09/2023 22:31

My son was like this a similar age, and it was also not related to anything I could think of going on at the time. I was as low-key about it as possible, said that it wouldn't happen until he was very very old, that living forever would be boring etc. Interestingly it never seem to shift into worry about me/his dad/his grandparents dying which I assumed it would! After a few weeks it came up less and less often. He still brings it up sometimes but rarely (now nearly 8).

purplemunkey · 20/09/2023 22:38

My DD8 did this at around the same age, and she’s had another spell more recently.

At first I did as some others have suggested - talked through what different people think but no one really knows. But to be honest, distraction works best. I’ll get her talking about her day, or her dream bedroom or something, and we’ll go into minute detail until she’s happy again.

It’s hard though as I don’t like thinking about death either so I always come away feeling a bit sad and anxious myself.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 20/09/2023 22:42

I was like that as a child, and so is my son to an extent - I tell him we're all going to heaven (I am an atheist). He is focused on eating well and exercising to avoid death.

He's not as bad as his friend who was grappling with the concept of death at 5 and one day announced at the tea table "Do you know that everyone here will die? You first, granny. I'll be last." Then one day she was walking along beside her mother and when they passed a toddler on a scooter she announced in a ringing voice "Even this little boy is going to die." The boy's mother was .

I actually think it is normal to be appalled at the knowledge - we find ways to live in denial of our impending death, but a young child hasn't yet learned to do that.

Original poster

Tailfeather · 20/09/2023 22:47

TheYearOfSmallThings · 20/09/2023 22:42

I was like that as a child, and so is my son to an extent - I tell him we're all going to heaven (I am an atheist). He is focused on eating well and exercising to avoid death.

He's not as bad as his friend who was grappling with the concept of death at 5 and one day announced at the tea table "Do you know that everyone here will die? You first, granny. I'll be last." Then one day she was walking along beside her mother and when they passed a toddler on a scooter she announced in a ringing voice "Even this little boy is going to die." The boy's mother was .

I actually think it is normal to be appalled at the knowledge - we find ways to live in denial of our impending death, but a young child hasn't yet learned to do that.

Oh noooooo!!

He talks about everyone dying too.

You're right. It is a huge thing for them to comprehend and I guess we learn to live with the knowledge and try not to think about it too much - and learn what we shouldn't say out loud!!!

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Original poster

Tailfeather · 20/09/2023 22:48

purplemunkey · 20/09/2023 22:38

My DD8 did this at around the same age, and she’s had another spell more recently.

At first I did as some others have suggested - talked through what different people think but no one really knows. But to be honest, distraction works best. I’ll get her talking about her day, or her dream bedroom or something, and we’ll go into minute detail until she’s happy again.

It’s hard though as I don’t like thinking about death either so I always come away feeling a bit sad and anxious myself.

I'll definitely try distraction.

It makes me feel sad too. Mainly because it's one thing I definitely wont be able to protect him from.

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Saisong · 20/09/2023 22:51

My DD went through similar at that age, along with other anxieties. We had to go through a little ritual every bedtime, something like
DD: Is everybody safe?
Me: Yes
DD: Will I die in the night?
Me: No
DD: Do you love me?
Me: I love you

Her actual anxiety faded eventually, but even to this day when I pop my head round my teenager's door at night I have to sign off with "Yes, No, I love you"

MotherOfCrocodiles · 20/09/2023 22:59

My DD had a similar revelation. What triggered it, for some reason, was that she suddenly realised she would one day be dead (which she knew in theory) and that her cuddly toy would be left behind and what would happen to him? That thought suddenly made it real I suppose.

It was so heartbreaking!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 21/09/2023 08:16

Maybe they should add a new childhood milestone "assimilating the concept of death".

Then we would have threads from anxious parents whose children are not obsessing over who is going to die next. "DS is almost 6 and he has never expressed any morbid thoughts about death . Should I be worried?"

Daisysimply · 22/09/2023 16:24

I remember feeling like this around the same age. I think I’d just heard people at school talking about dying and other children really can paint a horrible picture of what dying is so I was terrified. For me, the fear was more being separated from my family after I die rather than the actual dying. I just remember my mum reassuring me that it won’t happen for years and years when I’m really old and that we’ll all be reunited in heaven (if that’s what you believe in)

MrsJellybee · 22/09/2023 16:36

My daughter started this age 5. She’s 9 now and it pops up about once a year. My husband and I are both atheist. I now regret that I was a little too honest about my views on religion with her. We have back-peddled somewhat and my daughter now believes in God and Heaven. For the record, I never said she shouldn’t. We discussed all beliefs and she asked me mine. I told her I was humanist and atheist, but she could believe what she liked. She told me she would believe whatever I did. My not believing in heaven and her subsequently not believing caused a lot of problems. I had a convenient Road to Damascus experience, and told her I believed in God and Heaven again ( as I did as a child). She happily started to believe too and it seems to have calmed things.

Tally00 · 22/09/2023 16:41

My dd same age went through this phase when the queen died.
I think she just started to work out that we weren't here for ever and that one day she wouldn't be here too.
First lots of questions and then a fear of dying, it passed and she's excepted it now.

Original poster

Tailfeather · 25/10/2023 22:04

This has continued. Tonight he had a proper panic attack. He was hyperventilating, shaking and throwing up screaming that he doesn't want to die. He's normally so happy and jolly and confident, never has tantrums or gets emotional. It's just this bedtime terror thinking about death.

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HumphreyCobblers · 26/10/2023 07:26

I had this with my oldest son. He was petrified and panicked whenever he brought it up. I talked to him about heaven (despite not believing) and it proved a massive mistake as he obsessively asked me question after question and my answers got more and more elaborately inventive. It eventually passed. I reassured my other children differently, with a point I read on here - that we don't remember before we were born and so being dead is just like that too. It seemed to work better. I also said that although it seemed scary now it wouldn't always feel like that and they would get used to the idea. Which is mostly true, I suppose as we all do come to terms with the fact of death to a large extent.

hugnasd · 26/10/2023 07:43

I heard a great explanation on Parenting Hell podcast. They asked if they could remember what it was like before they were born. And that's how it is when you die.

Original poster

Tailfeather · 26/10/2023 07:56

Thank you. Do you think that's more comforting than heaven? And reuniting with other family members, our pet dog etc?

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Tailfeather · 26/10/2023 07:57

@HumphreyCobblers Thank you. I will give it a go. X

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