DS is a people pleaser

[Ueidbd]

DS is 7. He is a quiet and kind natured boy, which I love about him. His teacher last year mentioned that he needs to be more assertive, especially when people are doing something he doesn’t like.

Today he had a friend over. Every time this boy comes here, he wants to take DS toys home with him and I always have to tell him no. For the record, this boy comes from a wealthy family with no shortage of toys, so it’s not that he wants them because he doesn’t have anything.

Today he kept asking DS for some trading cards. He was going through his book and saying can I have this one? And this one? And DS kept saying yes, but sounding more and more unsure.

I took DS to the side and told him he doesn’t have to give the cards if he doesn’t want to. He said he wants his friend to be happy. After his friend left I told him you get people to like you by being kind and a good friend, not by giving them your stuff.

I feel I need to tackle this before people start taking advantage of his good nature. But I’m not sure how to deal with it. I’m a bit of a pushover myself. DS hasn’t made any solid friends at school and at bedtime today told me that no one really speaks to him at school.

With the cards- they got distracted after a while and there were about 12 cards on the table. I put most of them away. Later on DS friend was following him around saying where are my cards? What did you do with my cards? I told him it’s not fair to take a load of cards off someone else. He went home with 2 which me and DS were happy with (but his friend was not)

Your DS sounds a bit like mine. I partially blame myself as I was always very clear with him about sharing and being kind. In the card situation I would have jumped in straight away and said no sorry we don't give away cards. My DS is only 4 and would happily give away toys etc when we have friends over but luckily their mothers would intervene and say no.

I'm surprised he doesn't have friends as my DS would be quite popular in a group of boys but would be the "leader" if that makes sense. I would ask to meet with the teacher and discuss your concerns, the teacher may be able to pair someone up with your DS who may be a good match in the class? I'd also look at building up your DSs confidence by attending some activities to work on skills like Tae Kwon do? He's 7 he will find his way

Wouldn't* be the leader very much a follower

Could you invite someone else over that you think might be a bit nicer and not just want ds's stuff, to encourage other friendships? Or maybe invite a friend to do an activity with ds perhaps? It would give them something to talk about at school. The other thing I'd recommend if possible is you getting to know the other mums if you don't already as a lot of young children's friendships are down to the mums being friendly. He might just be being overlooked at school because he is quiet.

DS doesn't need to be more assertive though and it's pretty crappy of the teacher to say that IMO. It is basically victim blaming a very young and probably shy and anxious child. Children shouldn't be doing not very nice things to ds that he doesn't like - and if they are and the teacher is aware of it then she needs to speak to those children and get THEIR behaviour to change, not ds's. You can't 'make' a child be confident and assertive, the chances are he's inherited this shy/anxious personality trait from you and it's who he is. He's not the problem other kids are.

I wouldn't have that child round again. Those are some serious bad manners and disrespect for other people's things asking for your ds's stuff. And then getting pissy when he couldn't have more. CF in the making.

Aside from that, I'd teach your ds that some people are cheeky, with this boy being the kind of worked example. He is going to need to assert himself, or end up miserable. People are bloody cruel. I doubt this boy will be a long term friend.

I was surprised when he said that. Whenever we bump into any of his school mates they all shout his name and come running over. I always thought he is quite popular. I’m wondering if maybe something has happened in the past days to make him say that no one talks to him.

I’ll definitely try to invite different friends over. DS is often invited to this boy’s house so I always feel like I have to return the favour.

And that’s very true, thank you for writing that. Luckily his teacher this year is more understanding of quieter children and I think she will help him a lot more. I got the impression his teacher last year wanted him to toughen up, which is not who he is.

It’s not even the half of it, I find this boy very rude with no manners at all. As soon as he arrives at our house he starts looking in the cupboards for food.

I hope he won’t be long term friend because he will just take advantage of DS

Is there another root cause you need to tackle? I had times in school where no one would talk to me. Being far too agreeable was a natural/sensible (even if not the best) strategy when anyone WOULD bother with me, to keep them talking to me. I'd verify and look at the no friends issue first.

Oh this sounds exactly like my ds who is now 12. At the playgroups they used to always say he gave away toys to other kids and how good he was at sharing.

I found you have to watch the teachers always telling them about how they should always include other childre. and how it’s important not to leave other children out etc. Cos what you might find is he takes this to heart too much and allows other children to boss him around and tell him what to play etc. it can be really stressful for them. So he needs to know that it’s ok to make his own decisions about what he wants to play and who he wants to play with.

I once stopped my son at aged 5 from giving away a heap of toys to one particular over indulged child-again. His mum said "sorry X. Y would love to give them to you, but his mother won't let him" 😬

This is why we need to be careful with messages to children about how they must share their toys. They have no context for that and if we don’t give them more guidance, they don’t learn that we don’t mean they have to give everything that another child wants. And they don’t understand that they can let another child play with something that’s theirs, but it’s still theirs and they are entitled to have it back when they want it.

Thanks, I will have another chat with him and make sure there isn’t anything else upsetting him. His teacher is very approachable and understanding so I will have a chat with her too.

I’m mainly worried that he feels like he needs to share so that people will like him, rather than taking the idea of sharing too literally.

That’s so bad!! This boy’s mum is actually lovely and would have been horrified by his behaviour, so that’s something at least.

Say to this boy that it is very rude to ask for other people's things and the next time he does it you will call his mother and he will have to go home at once.
Although I think I would stop inviting him over and if she asks why tell her what he does and how he upsets your son.

Build your son's self esteem

Encourage him to spend time with people who make him feel good about himself

Give him opportunities to negotiate with you for what he wants (and let him succeed)

Help him to believe that he truly deserves to be treated well by friends