Is my partner too cautious with our son?

[HushHushBaby]

We have a adorable lovely and active 3 year old. Since he started to walk and run more confidently, so a while back now, my partner has became really ( in my opinion too cautious) about DS.
He’s constantly saying “ Careful. Don’t climb there. Don’t run so fast. Get down… “ for like non dangerous things. He’s not shouting or his voice is not angry, it’s more like concerned.
When we go all together to the playground it’s like constant stream of “ Don’t run so fast, slow down, get down from there, watch where you running, don’t climb there” … ALL. THE. TIME.

We have Pikler triangle at home for DS. Again the same. “ Watch where you put your leg, careful, hold on” ….. And it’s starting to rub me the wrong way. Like can you let him be kid? He’s not doing anything dangerous in a sense that we need to stop him all the time. Let him climb, let him run, let him climb on sofa. HE’S OK.

A while ago now we got into a big argument about this and he told me “ well you don’t care do you about him? Let him do whatever he wants.” I’m sorry?

I don’t wanna call myself very relaxed parent but there are things he can do and he doesn’t always need to hear “ careful” about everything he does.

And this is why we have two parents. Two opinions. Two different takes on things.

Can you let him run, jump and climb when your husband isn't around?

Does he learn new things when your husband isn't there - so he isn't as up to date on your sons capabilities.

Risk is essential to kids. They must learn how to assess risk or they never learn.

Equally if your 3 year old is climbing to 6ft heights- I would be nervous too simply because a fall from there would hurt a lot.

You need to discuss with your husband rationally this area and come to some agreement. E.g. running on the flat.....no warning needed. Climbing a new climbing frame - dad follows up. Etc.

Yes I suspect he's ott. I have a nearly 3 year old granddaughter and she climbs all over, I wouldn't dream of stopping her from leaping about on the sofa, and outdoors I just try and keep up and stand where she might land. I'm not sure I've used the word careful, or not much. You can protect a little one without endlessly inhibiting them and making them fearful.

Your husband should see this.

Your DH is going to undermine your DS's confidence. He needs to do some research into risk taking and the importance of that for future development. He could also look into language and how to speak in a more supportive encouraging way.

Oh god just like my partner it’s driving me bonkers!

we are doing purées with a bit of BLW as partner so worried. Wants pictures of his poop everyday to check what they are like. Baby just gone into his own room at 8 months which was a battle as he thinks should be in with us til 2! Refused baby to be in a diff room to us even when asleep and we have a monitor so sometimes he goes sits in our room and watch on the monitor while I come back downstairs. The worst - he has bought a baby monitor to connect to his phone so he can watch him on his phone during the day or when away with work (won’t be happening as I don’t want to feel like I’m being watched!!!)

Your child needs to explore, climb, thrown themselves around - in a safe environment. It actually engages the part of the brain that is linked to maths/problem solving etc.

My ex was ridiculous to the point playgrounds (with soft padded grounds) were death traps! It drove me nuts. I learnt to counter by encouraging exploring - climbing a tree (just a couple of feet up) in a safe area - give reminders hands first then feet. When going up a height (slide ladder etc) lots of encouragement, asking what can they see - that must be exciting etc to counteract the "you must be scared"!

Ever thought he may have an overwhelming fear of his child really hurting himself?! Rather than you all ridiculing how your partner acts maybe try and understand what their worry or fear is. Trust me, it's not nice feeling the way he does and you'd actually really like to be more relaxed and blasé!

Id say you need to work with DH. But him saying you just don’t care about DS implies he’s quite immature and combative and that may be difficult

assuming you can work with him, could he talk to you about his worries, he probably feels like if he doesn’t say anything to DS and then DS gets hurt that it is his fault because he could have warned or stopped him. So think through together how that works in practice, and if it’s actually helpful, and his worries, are they all rational.
also work on some more constructive things he can say
‘be careful’ is useless, but perhaps things like ‘feet first’ when climbing down for example may be encouraging and helpful to DS and still allow dog to feel like he’s parenting safely.

I was brought up like this and it definitely made my DB and I nervous people. I know my character is much more likely to be "careful!!" (I say it all the time when DH and the dog are playing!) And as a result I've made an active decision to be different for my.child as I'm so envious of people like my DH who can manage risk with confidence. So we've selected a nursery which is forest school based and all about confidence and resilience and brushing yourself down and trying again etc. That way I hope I can embrace that lifestyle but also counteract any anxiety I might exude by accident.
So yes I'd say your DH is too cautious and he needs to be careful or it will rub off on your child. It's not about not being sensible or careful- teaching your child to manage risk and look at possible consequences is a huge life lesson, but it's about not feeling overwhelming anxiety and refusing to do things in case something bad happens.

@Crimsonripple unfortunately this can have a very detrimental impact on children development. They become risk adverse and anxious.

It took me years post divorce to undo my ex's anxiety influenced impact. It isn't healthy and needs curbing for the childrens sake.

We are answering how to counter act this.