Do women have it harder these days? To work full time and still be the primary care giver?

[Fra167]

I am 30 and hoping to start a family in the next few years with my partner. I was of primary school age in the 90’s/early 2000’s. My own mother worked part time and was around the house a lot and always the one to take me and pick me up from school etc. I also remember that my friends mothers worked part time too and were always around at school times. To give some context, we were a working-class family, I went to a comprehensive primary school and had one holiday a year in the UK. My parents were sensible money and cut their cloth accordingly, but the mortgage of a nice semi-detached 4 bedroom house etc could be paid mainly on my fathers income.

In contrast, nowadays, it seems that we are a society that relies on two full-time wages just for even the basics, not even talking fancy cars and holidays. But are women still expected to also be the primary caregiver to children and one who takes care of most of the domestic chores? I know it’s brilliant that there have been developments in society that mean that more women can have careers now! But from my point of view, it seems like we are worse off in some ways! I work as a social worker, and I’ve seen so many colleagues working full time with children and being absolutely burnt out and stressed to the max, in a draining job and then going home and giving much needed attention and love to their children!
My partners mum didn’t work, so she did all the cooking, cleaning, life admin, childcare etc. I can foresee that these things would end up becoming more my responsibility! So I’m expected to have to commute to work, then work full time, come home and still be able to have the energy to be able to give the best of myself to my children? Whereas a lot of the women of my mum’s and grandma’s generation were able to prioritise the children because if they did work, it was a bonus to the family income and not essential like it is these days.

I admire and have huge respect for the vast majority of women who work full time and are mothers. I myself, will probably also be working full time or nearly full time once I start a family. I just feel like at some point, something has to give or society needs to catch up and realise that women can’t still be taking on the bigger share of the responsibility of the children and housework if they are also working full time.

Even if you split the physical work, it’s the mental load you inevitably carry.

No because parents don't lose their jobs if they ask for flexible working now in the 90s you had no right. We also needed 2 incomes for the mortgage and went through interest rates going so high people could no longer afford to live. I paid 70% of my wages to childcare from my baby being 12 weeks old to the April after he turned 5 years. Childcare has always been expensive.
People have a very odd idea of life in the 90s

Life in the 90s was undoubtedly tough for a lot of people and I'm sorry you're one of the ones who went through that. There is plenty of information available online though to show how housing costs now are greater comparative to income and average salaries, even taking the 15%+ interest rates of that time into account. It's not funny ideas, it's data.

You do what's right for your family. We don't have gender based roles in our family. However, early on we recognised that DH was in a field with a much higher potential salary than mine. We also realised someone had to be home for the kids. I didn't mind taking a back seat in my career and actually felt like the lucky one as I had the pleasure of spending time with the kids and working part time.

We outsource most housework and gardening. The day to day clearing up and cooking is shared. However DH doesn't seem to have any initiative when it comes to thinking about stuff. He has for a lot better over time but this is an ongoing battle. He IS willing but doesn't THINK! Let's see if this changes in the few years we have left with the kids

All of that is the 1950s/60s though. Anyone 70s/80s onwards would have had supermarkets, a separate chest freezer, convenience food, washing machines etc so not much different to modern life apart from arranging bills online.

Don't have kids with someone who doesn't share the domestic load. When I met dh he already had his own house and was very domesticated and took pride in his house. He's remained the same to this day, and when dc came along he did his fair share. I do more child related stuff now as I work less and am at home more, but I actually earn more than him so it's not that I'm not contributing equally financially either.

Discuss these things before agreeing to have dc.

Whoa I thought you were going to say back in the 70s or something! Every parent I know (we had kids in the late 90s/early 2000s) worked full time. Middle class most of them, and it was necessary for where we lived (London).

I don't know of anyone who worked part time as stated by op and others there wasn't a choice and it had nothing to do with cheaper childcare as also stated. Comparing housing costs is always hard because London is and always has been expensive so what you can afford depends where you live. I certainly wasn't poor compared to many on a graduate salary in middle management I'm not sure why you are sorry for me it was typical normal life as was 4 weeks holiday and a 35 to 40 hour week fitting in food shops between 9 and 5 Monday to Saturday no delivery services or any other luxury like ordering a last minute Amazon

Not everyone in the 70s had the luxury you describe and many didn't have cars if they did it was one per household. Even phones were not at every house....we would knock on the wall to call a neighbour if anybody called for them. No delivery of supermarket shopping no late night shopping or Sundays so shops closed before you left work everything had to be brought on Saturday and supermarket Ques went half way round the shop with 20 tills open. So still lots of demands on your time....no tumble driers and no easy iron.

Mn always thinks we're rolling in it with lots of leisure and retired with no mortgage....what a dream world.

^^ This 100%

My ex husband was a vile, violent and abusive partner and father. He still did the dishes, hoovered, ironed, and cooked etc. We shared childcare and he was at his absolute best when we had a newborn (mostly).

I didn't recognise all the abuse until I did the freedom programme. His willingness to do these things and his gaslighting made me believe he was not abusive.

ATM, Our western lifestyle is similar to those in 1970s/1980s where 2 cars and a house were seen be affluent .Now more usual . There were no computer /ps4 etc then either .food was relatively expensive, and most people didnt have lots of spare cash either. If you work long hours then maybe you could hire a cleaner if possible.Not all women stayed at home then!