When to tell a toddler about a new baby

[Jj]

Hi! I'm 9 weeks pregnant and have a 3 year old (he just turned three). We told him as soon as we found out, around 5 weeks ago. He's taken it well-- excited and all, although he wants a little sister and, well, there's nothing I can do about that. We talk about it with him, not too much, but as it comes up naturally. Don't worry, just tell him what's happening, what will happen and be prepared for the questions! (Where is it? How will it get out?) Good luck!

My friend had her 2nd when No 1 was 2 yrs 7 months. She left it till she was about 7 months. She didn't want to do it earlier as she thought he might get impatient and of course as every month went by he was older and more able to understand. I'd say the older no 1 is the earlier you can tell them. You don't want to leave it too late in case baby comes early and your son gets a shock. So maybe tell him quite
soon.

I'd agree with Eulalia as well...he'll probably take it better than you expect. Why not try while you're in the bath, if he comes into the bathroom while you are that is! Get talking about Mummys "fat tummy" and go from there! A word of warning, dont expect him to be excited when baby arrives, my eldest, on hearing at my friends house that he had a new baby sister, said,"oh thats what I wanted..." And went on playing on the slide with his friend. I did it all wrong when the middle one was born and yet they are still, mostly very good with each other, so dont worry too much about it, they are more resiliant(sp) than we give them credit for sometimes!

Shelley - I'd be amazed if he hasn't caught on already. We only have 22 months between ours, and didn't plan to tell the older one until near to the time, but there's so much preparation for a new baby, plus all the antenatal visits etc., there was no way we could keep it a 'secret' - he cottoned on very quickly that something was up, and started asking questions about it, and he was very young at the time.

I do not think you should tell a child really early. Like Jj I told my son when I was 9 weeks pregnant and he was really excited, we all were. Sadly I miscarried a few weeks later and I really wish I had not told him. He still says "hello baby" to my tummy. I think it is probably best to tell a child when the tummy has started to protrude. Children have no concept of the length of time that 9 months is, so it is probably best to tell them later rather than sooner.

my daughter is 24 months old and i am 6 months pregenant. We told her as soon as we knew and she has come to both scans, she's totally into the idea and pretends she's pregnant too - we have a similar profile! I think, nothwithstanding the risk of miscarriage, you can't tell them too early, it gives them loads of time to adjust and to get involved. She's helping to plan where the baby will sleep (her old cot, so it helps to involve her in this as she has to 'let go' of it), which of her toys she's ready to relinquish etc etc. I know of someone who's not intending to tell their child until 'a couple of weeks before' and think they're making a big mistake. Also, I'm hoping to have a homebirth and need to prepare her for that too.

I am writing something for fathers on second children, and have had a chance to look at some of the books on this subject. The most practical one is Keys to Preparing and Caring for your Second Children by Meg Zweiback. This is also good if a father is involved in the thinking - the others books assume that the second child is an issue only for a mother. There are lots of books - look at www.amazon.co.uk and search for "second child" and "sibling".

PS The short piece I am writing will be on www.fathersdirect.com in about two weeks time in the "Treasure Chest".

There was an article in last weeks Sunday Telegraph (i think - husband gets some many i loose track!) about second children. As i am expecting mine in 7 weeks time I found it quite informative. It was written by a woman who found little or no help/advice on how to cope with number 2. The article was an extract from her book - i havew all the details about it at home as I was going to send off for it - uinfortunately I am at work today so will post the details tommorrow.

On when to tell the first you are execting - my son will be 19months when the next one comes along and I really couldn't believe that he would be able to understand what was going on.However as my belly got bigger and bigger he started to take an interest in it, so I explained that Mummy was having another baby. And to my great relief seems to have taken it on board(as much as a 17month can!) He pulls up my jumper and pats my tummy and says Baba, he also seems very interested in babies when we are out and about, on the television etc, so they are never too young to understand and a good time may be once your body starts tp change shape. Good luck with it!

Thank you all so much for your advice and views. I finally plucked up the courage and we told our son over the weekend. He was totally fine about the baby growing in Mummys tummy and loves his new "Topsy & Tim and the New Baby" book. He is telling everyone he is going to be a big brother and, in theory anyway, seems fine with the idea of a new baby coming to live with us.
Joz, I'd be really interested in the details of that book you mentioned.
Thanks again.

Hi Shelley - the bbok is called ' 3 shoes, one sock and no hairbrush: everything you need to know about having a second child' By Rebecca Abrams. I have yet to buy it myself, so can't tell you if its any good or not. Let me know if you find it of any use

By coincidence I tried to order it on Amazon yesterday, but it doesn't seem to be available yet? Maybe the thing in the paper was a PR thing

Emmagee - I have just ordered it via Amazon, and have been told that it will be dispatched within 2 days? Funny - may be you could try again. I also called our nearest Waterstones and they too had it in stock, so it is definately available!

I checked again and it has changed since yesterday, the publication date is 8th March so i guess that explains why it's on their 2-3 day service

I got it last night and have already got to page 80 - it's engaging and I would recomend it highly on what I've read so far.

Hi Emmagee - I too have just read it and to be honest I found it a really depressing read. I don't feel as if there is any practical advice or encouragement, I felt it just went on about how difficult the whole process is going to be. I didn't expect it to be written through rose tinted glasses, but she doesn't seem to have included any of the positive aspects. I did find some things quite helpful, but went to bed the last couple of evenings feeling utterly miserable. My husband wants me to stop reading it - I am determined to finish it as I am sure there has to be some positive comments in it somewhere! Please tell me if you have found them!!

Reading it freaked me out so much about being at home with 2 children I have seriously considered going back to work! I've only got 5 weeks to go, so maybe its nerves and maybe thats why I saw the book in such a dreadful light!

Joz - it will be fine! I certainly found the first six months were nothing like as bad as I expected.

I haven't seen this book, and maybe it includes suggestions which would avoid the squabbling that my two seem to do constantly at the moment.

The "top tip" given me by a friend, which worked for me, is never do anything separately that you can do together. Bath them together, get them dressed together, and as soon as possible put them to bed and feed them at the same time too.

Thanks KMG - thats the kind of advice i need - it will all be fine! I'm feeling much better about it all today, even changed my mind about going back to work! My husband reckons I've got prematch nerves!

I remember reading Kate Figes ' Life After Birth' at this stage last time and it had the same effect of me. I re-read it afterwards and it was much better - in fact I recommended it to so many people I wish I'd been on comission!

I think it's just that we do like to look at the most positive aspects of the impending baby and that may contribute to many of the feelings of failure when it isn't always sweetness and light. One bit I found useful - if not positive - was about the fact that the impact of the new baby may not show in the toddlers' behaviour until the baby is 4-6 months old, by which time you think it's all okay and might not give the toddler the benefit of the doubt.

I too felt depressed last night reading it and told my husband that he shoud read it too so that we both knew what was coming. I think it's better to know the worst case scenario and then it can only get better! I worked in a pub years ago and my manager said 'assume everyone who walks in is going to be a rude arrogant, drunk...then everything else will seem like a bonus'!!

My package from Amazon arrived this morning...but after reading your last couple of comments maybe I shouldn't start reading till after the new baby arrives ! I'm depressed enough as it is. Joz - I know exactly how you feel - I've got 4 weeks of work left (and 11 weeks till baby is born) and am pretty sure I won't be going back to work (the cost of childcare for two is so prohibitive) but then the next minute I'm panicking about being home all day with two children and am wondering if I'm making the right decision.

EmmaG - I'll take your advice and read it after the baby is born with fresh (hmmm! Think not - tired maybe!) eyes.
Shelley - its horrible isn't it. I find myself changing my mind a few times a day at the moment. On Saturday I was definately staying at home - toddler was being a little angel, on Sunday however it had all changed as Sam decided to be the child from hell all day! I have now decided to not decide until after the baby is born and feel quite relieved that I no longer have to worry about it in the immediate future! You never know we may love being a stay at home mum -aggghhh what qualifications do you need for that? Emmagee - have you decided to go back to work?

Pretty much decided not to go back to work - partly to do with the fact that new job (started a year ago in a hail of glory) has been an unmitigated diaster, and partly because we've had a year of childcare hell - lost a nanny to anorexia, then one broke her arm and was off for 7 weeks, then lost her to an unfaithful boyfriend(hers not mine!) and fed up juggling. But primarily because I want to concentrate on my kids. I have kind of said that I want at least a year out, not 'on maternity leave' but able to focus totally on their needs and then think about what to do next.

Joz, like you I have decided not to make a permanent decision until after the event as may be crawling the walls, but i doubt it!

In terms of worrying if we're all going to go mad at home with them all day, I have been trying to find a daily playgroup or get 2/3 mornings a week at a nursery for the toddler. Had hoped to get her in before the baby came.....but waiting lists at every turn. I think one o'clock clubs, music things and swimming lessosn will become really important to break up the week and make sure we don't all get cabin fever.

Totally agree - I am doing exactly the same and getting toddler into a nursery for 2 mornings a week, as much to give him a break aswell as giving me some time with the newborn, but having great difficulty finding a place, either fully booked or horribly expensive. At least summer is on the way and if all else fails we can throw them all out into the garden. Have just purchased a sandpit to give to Sam when the new one arrives - here's hoping for hours of peace from him as he creates wonders in the sand!

I was given an excellent kids story book recently which has just been published called 'There's a House Inside My Mummy'. I'd highly recommend it to all those with an inquisitive toddler, it's very funny and beautifully illustrated.

Calling Emmagee and Joz (and others!), I've been rereading this thread now I've a no. 2 babe on the way, and to remind me about Rebecca Abrams book. If you can find the time how is it going with 2 children? and what's it like full-time at home? Would love an update after your initial fears. Thanks

Hi Lil

Well, it's certainly brought home the concept of 'full time mother'! I often think of all the things I long to do with our house, paint rooms, sandpaper the stairs, plant a single bulb! None of it gets done. My son is now 12 weeks and next week playgroup starts again for my daughter. I hope that at that point, he may begin to settle into more established patterns and that anytime now, I might just get on and do some yoga/reading/answering mail.....etc you get the gist.

It has been a tough couple of months, there's no getting away from that, and I must say I have shouted more at my daughter than I ever wanted to. Post-natal amnesia was more pronouced - lots of going into a room and forgeting why I had gone in there and plenty of tears. But for all of that, there is plenty of joy too and, strikingly, although I was a very laid back and confident first time mum, it's SO much easier the second time as you just worry so much less about the fragility of the baby. Somehow when they cry, you don't get so jittery and if they have to wait 30 seconds, it's really not the end of the world.

I do find it hard to believe that next week he will be 3 months old, I mean, that's almost weaning age! And yet he only had his first swim today and new things such as chuckles and smiles still provoke a full heart wrenching joy!

This is rather a stream of conciousness, but that's all I can manage at this stage of the day. I think that so far, on balance it's okay, but I desperately need to find a way to have some 'me' time. It's even more important with two kids. And now that I have decided not to go back to work for a while, I will definitely need to do something intellectually stimulating - a group of us are thinking of setting up a reading club and I am thinking of doing GCSE in History - I never did O'Level and feel I have a gaping hole.

It's still early days and I'll keep you posted.

On the Rebecca Abrams front, I never finished the book - it got a little repetitive - and I sure as hell don't have time to read now.....did I say something about a book club!!!?