The coming and going dilemma

[Mazhaz]

ADVICE PLEASE!

My ex has regularly come and gone out of his son's life for years now. He's 4 and a half, and in that time he's disappeared for 2 years, 1 and a half years, and several times for 6 months.

It ALWAYS comes down to him punishing me for addressing him. Its to teach me a lesson apparently.

He hasn't paid a PENNYYY in maintenance and so I eventually went to the CSA. They ordered him to pay £5 a week (he works cash in hand unfortunately) and he wouldn't even pay that.

He contacted me and said if I didn't cancel the claim he wouldn't see him at all. I did, and because I told him how awful it was that he put me in that situation and gave him a piece of my mind, he disappeared again for 6 months.

When he disappears, he never even sends a SINGLE text to ask how his son is, even if it's a 2 years period.

He's now back, sent a text yesterday asking when he can see him.

What's the best thing to do for the sake of my son???

Once for 6 months^ he's almost 5 sorry.

He's probably spent all in, around 20 days with him. When I say days I mean a few hours here and there mostly.

He most recently had him over for a sleepover, then disappeared again for months.

I have to tell my son 'daddy has gone on holiday.'

Really, take back some power here and go no contact. He’s never going to be a decent father and will be a terrible example and influence on your boy. I know it’s hard but surely it’s better for him to know he isn’t going to see him than to be constantly let down and to always wonder when / if he was going to turn up? He’s a useless piece of blackmailing shit and will never be what you want, or what your son needs. Say no.

Reinstate the claim and report the company he is working for cash at

Your only response to your ex should be have you grown the fuck up yet

Stop sacrificing your child's mental wellbeing because society dictates a child "must have two parents" that only applies to safe secure loving parents

In these circumstances I'd stop contact, I'd also reinstate the csa claim.

He's trying to control you and using your son as a pawn.

My worry is that people often say it's better for him to know him and make his own choice than to not have a freaking clue who his father is.

If I set healthy boundaries, he disappears. For a long time he would only come and visit regularly if he was having regular sex with me. I put a total stop to that about 2 years ago and since then, he's even been a ghost, or it's a quick 1 hour trip to the library every few months, with a sleepover once a year.

I feel like it's so easy for those of us who knew and were loved by our fathers to understate how important it can be for our kids to just know him in some capacity.

I'm playing devil's advocate here, please feel free to tell me I'm absolutely wrong.

This is completely draining honestly. He disappears until I say sorry for speaking back to him.

I agree with the other replies.
Your son is gaining nothing positive from his contact with this man.

I agree in principle that having some contact is better than none however in this situation your ex is using your son as a weapon to beat you with.

Thats definitely worse for you and your son than no contact.