Feeling like I have no idea what I’m doing??

[OutOfMyDepth0]

Is it normal to feel like you’re utterly useless after your first baby? My son is nearly 10 weeks and I catch myself so often feeling like I’m way out of my depth and have no idea what I’m doing. Everyone says how you get to know your baby’s cries so you’ll know what they mean, but I feel like all of his cries sound the same - so I just go through the motions to figure out what he needs: has he messed his nappy? How long has it been since feeding? How long has he been awake/does he need a nap? Does he want to be held? I have no idea what he cries for until I’ve gone through the different things it could be and that’s not through lack of spending time with him - at least one of us has been with him every minute since he was born, he’s been left with no one else, surely I should know him by now? 😢

I feel like I’m so burnt out and tired but I also don’t want to leave him with anyone else for a few hours to ourselves because I feel like I’m being selfish. I feel like I wasn’t cut out to be a parent, or like he deserves someone who knows what they’re doing. I honestly just feel like I’m winging it this whole time, I get so frustrated and end up crying because I feel like I’m not doing a good enough job. He needs constant attention, he always needs something, I’ve tried so hard to read as much as I can to try and make sure I’m doing everything I can but I feel like it’s not enough. I am
so exhausted, I just feel like a total failure and like I’m in way over my head 😢

Please don't worry! It is SO SO hard and overwhelming. You are doing brilliantly. I felt the same about not knowing what cries meant too btw.

We are all winging it. I felt like I had a pretty good headstart having worked for 10+ years with young children, studied attachment as part of my degree and a good understanding of child development.

I'm still winging it.

10 weeks is early, you will get to know him better. At the moment it is so exhausting that of course you are going through the motions but as hard as it is to believe at the moment, one day you'll feel like you just blinked and suddenly your baby is starting school! The days are LONG but the years are short. It will get better.

I will say though, there is nothing selfish in letting someone else watch baby while you and your partner enjoy a bit of time together. Even just a couple of hours to eat some dinner and watch a film at home. It will help keep you sane!

Just wanted to let you know that I felt exactly the same with my first, and now onto my second - I am still winging it...
It does get better, or slightly easier, over time, and from what you describe you're doing everything right.
If there's one thing I could advise you is to just relax, enjoy spending time with your baby (easier said than done sometimes) - put the books aside and just trust that loving and feeding and caring for your baby is all they need (in my opinion babies often aren't sure themselves why they're crying).
If you can leave your baby with someone, even if it's just for an hour, do it without feeling guilty, it will help you relax, but just rest assured your feelings are entirely normal!

This is exactly how so many mothers feel. It's all normal! You are still figuring so much out! Wait til baby is 6 months, everything will change. There will be a day where you can tell if your child needs a poo by their breathing!

Right now, you are still figuring things out and it takes time. But I promise you know better than anyone else xxx

I am still not ready to have kids and they’re 7 and 3! Every single one of us has no clue, just some are better at blagging it than others that’s all

Totally normal

Like getting a job that you're not qualified for

Literally this! I feel so much like I’m not doing enough or not doing it right at least. I see so many people out with their babies and they all seem to have it figured out while I feel like a completely useless sack of crap 😢

Hiya lovely. Im a FTM and son is 11 weeks today, born 3 weeks early and had a rough start and honestly I’ve felt/feeling everything you’ve said. Been winging it from day one and continue to fumble through every day.

Please be kind to yourself…..the fact you are worrying about how you’re doing already makes you a brilliant Mum, a rubbish Mum wouldn’t care You’re doing nothing wrong, doing more right than you think, causing no harm and trying your best and that’s all your LO needs at the minute.

I still don’t know my sons different cries, and sometimes honestly he just likes to have a grizzle and there isn’t always an obvious solution.

Every FTM has made mistakes and will make many more. I’ve dropped so many clangers in the last 10 weeks but none of it intentional. Being clueless my breastfeeding journey didn’t work out so we’ve had a nightmare with formulas and reflux and only now I think I’ve found a solution. I still dress him wrong for some conditions…sometimes he’s been chilly and other times I’ve been mortified to find I’ve overdressed him and he’s sweating like a little pig, I’ve bumped his head on the washing machine door at least 3 times whilst he’s been in the sling and dropped a forkful of pot noodle on his head trying to eat my first meal of the day at 6pm (im a mum now so it was obviously cold by the time I actually got to eat it)It doesn’t make me a bad mum, it’s just lessons that are learnt through trial and error.

It’s hard, it’s exhausting and I’m the same as you. I feel drained, overwhelmed and exhausted…but I also won’t relinquish any of the responsibility to anybody else so we are our own worst enemy.

It will get better (or so I’ve been told!) . I’ve started to just treat each day completely fresh now, I had a habit of comparing today to yesterday and over analysing what went wrong and how to fix everything. Reset and don’t dwell. One day could go brilliantly, smoothly and like clockwork….and the very next day could totally go to s**t. Take the small wins and if you can stay off google I really recommend it. I spend weeks down the rabbit hole and you never come away feeling good. You do know what you’re doing, you really do. You’ve kept your little boy healthy and I’m sure happy for 10 weeks….and because you’re a good mum you’ll continue to do that for the years to come.

xx

It honestly just feels so hard right now. And that also stresses me out because I know time is going so fast and he’s grown so much already, I should be enjoying time with him but I feel like I spend most of my time stressing out about one thing or another 😢

I just feel like I look at everyone else with their babies and they seem to have it all together and it looks so natural, while I’m sat here feeling like I look so out of place, like being a mum doesn’t come naturally to me, or he could be with one of those mums and be so much happier.

I’m glad that other people feel the same - but also not glad too; it’s an awful feeling so I hate that anyone else feels the same but I feel slightly better knowing it’s not just me that feels this way. I feel less alone in it!

thank you guys so much for all of your comments, I hope every single one of you is okay and you can get through this feeling too. Xx

Omg I feel like I could of wrote this after I had my baby 9 months ago. I used to cry and wonder why I thought I could raise a baby, why didn’t I wait another year.

Everyone kept telling me how good and easy my baby was but I felt like I must of been a failure because if he’s so good why am I struggling!? I struggled with leaving the baby too, because I felt like he was my responsibility and I felt like I was “palming him off” on others, even though my parents and in laws were desperate to help - I made such a martyr of myself in hindsight.

Please just take a deep breath, I can guarantee you are doing fine. You’re still in survival mode, I don’t think anyone can prepare you for having a baby, it’s a humbling experience to say the least. When people used to say “it will pass” or “it will get easier” I’d eye roll and felt like telling them to fuck off because it felt never ending 😂 but I promise you it does!

This morning, I probably looked like I had my sh*t together and ‘natural’. I have a 9 week old and a 3 yo. We got out this morning to a toddler group. We arrived bang on time. Baby napped in the sling, had a feed and didn’t make a fuss. 3 yo was mostly behaved. I had clean clothes and hair and some make up on. I had remembered to pack a snack and waterproof clothes for DS.

Nobody saw 4pm: the overtired, overstimulated baby crying for an hour while I bounced him round in the sling. The destructive, angry 3 yo who was tired and hungry. The tears rolling down my face counting down the minutes until my DH finished work.

I promise, PROMISE we are all just winging it. I promise everybody is surviving each hour. I promise everyone has minutes/hours/days where it all just feels totally awful and you can’t even begin to think why you had kids.

It gets easier as they get older, more predictable and you get more sleep and rest, it really does. Hang on in there.

Mine are now 5 and 7. I was winging it big time when they were born and I'm still winging it now! It's so, so hard when they're tiny and you're knackered and you can't take a break without feeling guilty about it. But you aren't being selfish if you take a break, you're giving yourself the chance to be the best you can be for your baby. I know it's so easy to say but be kind to yourself - it gets so much easier and you will sleep again, but in the meantime, all you have to do is survive. You've just got to keep swimming. Everyone's winging it. You and your little one will be just fine ♥️

Nothing to add to all above, just the people who look like or talk like it’s easy, yes, maybe it is to them, but it’s a lot more likely they’re hiding it. I have 4, youngest 8, and when I see people with children under 3 I absolutely feel for them. There’s amazing moments but my god it’s so hard x Take it bit by bit op, and whenever you can get any form of help or sleep or a second to make yourself feel human go for it!

Hi, I’m a new mum to a 4 day old baby. Please tell me it is completely normal to feel like I have no idea what I am doing or what is right? I write this at 3 in the morning whilst feeding.
I go up to bed, feed him, burp him but then this unsettles him so I go through the motion again of feeding him then he will fall asleep. I try to put him in next to me cot but he then wakes up and cries and then have to feed him and start the whole cycle again. I’ve already tried 3 times tonight to put him down and no luck. He is now sleeping on me. I feel so useless and anxious as I worry about all the other things I eventually need to learn.

but I feel like all of his cries sound the same - so I just go through the motions to figure out what he needs: has he messed his nappy? How long has it been since feeding? How long has he been awake/does he need a nap? Does he want to be held?

This was exactly how i parented and always thought I did a stellar job. I think you slowly start to recognize patterns but I could never tell anything by the cries. If all else failed I’d just breast feed

Thought having much younger siblings and lots of friends who had had babies would mean I knew what I was doing. I didn’t and those first few months were so tough. I found things got much better from five months where we could get into more of a routine and I understood her better. Baby massage group did really help in the early months though as people tended to be pretty honest about how their week had been which normalised things. You sound like you are doing a great job and it will get easier.