12 year old refuses to attend family wedding

[Coffeemummi]

Would love some thoughts! A few months ago we were invited to a family wedding, DD (12) and DS agreed to go. Involves a weekend away and staying with other family members (not the bride and groom!) DD has now realised there's a camping trip with their outdoors club on the same weekend and wants to do this instead. My first thought was 'like hell are you doing that, you go to whatever you signed up to first AND it's family!'.

But...I remember that horrible feeling of FOMO and I know they feel the family don't really 'get' them in terms of sexuality/ethnicity. They've been in tears and angry and upset on and off and begging not to go. Family are important to me but I don't want DD to grow up feeling obliged in the way that I did. Also don't want her miserable all weekend for her, me or the family!

Single parenting and just feel swamped and lost in how to figure out how to handle this! Thanks in advance!

I would absolutely let them go on their camping trip. a child-free wedding will be far more fun than a wedding with miserable 12 year olds who don't want to be there.

Let her go camping mama!!
Character building stuff.

She has already made a commitment to the camping trip, so should honour that. And saying "it's family" makes no difference - family is just one of many facets of life, and doesn't take priority over everything else. The camping trip will be both fun and a learning experience, so of course she should go on it.

Is be all for letting the kids go but only if it doesnt muck up your plans for staying at the wedding, it's not costing the bride groom money if numbers are confirmed

I think it’s fine for her to go camping but where does it leave DS? Will he be annoyed he has to go the wedding and she doesn’t?

Definitely let her go camping. Tell family that there was a clash you;d overlooked. They'll be glad of the lesser expense and you all get to enjoy yourselves.

Let her go camping. Weddings are, to be honest, boring events if you aren't the one's getting married.

Family really doesn't always have to come first.

If you have already rsvp'd to the wedding then meals etc will have been paid for for thrm, so to let them not go and waste that place for the bride and groom is pretty shitty. We had people not turn up to our wedding for crap reasons and we haven't spoken to them since as to me it is so rude.

Im more inclined to the camping but its a shame it clashes because the more time she spends with her family, the more exposure she and they have to each other to deal with this issue of her feeling they dont 'get' her, you tend to find people understand each other better the more the relationship builds up.

(obviously caveats apply as we see from virtually every other thread on here about why certain family members need to be avoided!)

I can see I'm an outlier but if wedding RSVP was first then I'd say they have to attend tbh. It's not fair on the couple getting married. But also I'm very family orientated and was raised that way too and it seems a lot of MN are not, so depends on your values about family too I guess.

Also OP, you dont make decisions about parenting based on how upset the child is. Strops and tears and tantrums are not reasons to decide yes or no about something.

I agree, I think it's important to honour commitments

Let her go on the trip if it's with a decent amount of notice.

Just let the B&G know asap so they can remove your DD from the wedding costs and plans, or invite someone else in their place.

We had 2 teen DC's out of a family of 5 just not turn up to our wedding, after all of them had accepted the invitation. Their 2 DCs had decided going to watch a footy match was more preferable - a match they'd bought tickets for after accepting our wedding invitation, but weeks before the wedding happened. None of the family said anything to us.

If they'd let us know as soon as they realised the dates clashed, I really wouldn't have given a shit, they can do as they please. They were only invited out of family obligation anyway. But their meals were £90 a head, with a table plan made and place names, buttonholes and wedding favours purchased, fizz and canapes paid for them... about £250 just wasted without so much as a heads up or an apology. When we asked where the two DCs were, parents just nonchalantly said "oh, they've gone to watch the footy instead, bought tickets forgetting about this... so, is it a free bar?"

If your relatives wedding is say next weekend, though, I'm afraid I'd make her go. She's old enough to understand how much weddings cost and the stress and prep that goes into arranging one. It would be too late for the B&G to adjust numbers, and change all the printed stuff. Don't be that side of the family who disappoints with the lack of respect and no consideration.

I think it would depend how far away the wedding event is. If you've already RSVP'd and it's a few months out, I would apologise to the B&G ASAP to give them plenty of time to make the appropriate adjustments. But if it's a month away or less, then they've likely paid the final deposit and it would be pretty rude imo to back out at that point after making a commitment.

Camping so long as you can practically arrange it without interfering with your plans for the weekend.

I'd let her go on the trip. I don't agree with the idea that children should endure boring occasions like weddings because "it's family". Nobody should be obliged to go to a wedding.
I'd have hated it if anyone had dragged a reluctant child to my wedding!