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Original poster

3 year old won't walk to school

14 replies

WalnutBlue · 18/09/2023 14:04

Help, I'm on the second week and it's only getting worse.
1st day and second my ds walked up to the school it's only a short walk from the house, however he didn't want to go near the huge crowd of people and kids and had to be handed over kicking and crying.
He's a little shy so I tried to take it slowly but that didn't work.

Now he refuses to walk and says he wants to go home and wants a cuddle or drags his feet it's so embarrassing and stressful. Every time I hand him over he cries and says I want mummy and has to be carried in.

I've talked and he says he's sad as he misses mummy but when I pick him up he seems happy and says he has had a nice day playing making friends etc.
The teacher says once he's in he's fine it's only at handover. And also the Playgroup say he's great so no concerns there.

It's like this extreme separation anxiety, I've tried talking positively, treats, not talking about it, being stern.. The only thing I haven't tried is giving him something to take.
He was never like this with DH at our old nursery and no concerns about other behaviour. It's really getting embarrassing now as he is one of the few kids doing it and I don't want to enable by carrying him in every time. 😔

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MegaManic · 18/09/2023 14:56

Ah he's only 3, he won't be doing it forever! If he didn't do it at your last nursery I would just be double checking there is no issue at this nursery that is upsetting him. Assuming there isn't an issue with the nursery - I know it's probably upsetting and embarassing but honestly no-one else really cares - people are too focused on themselves and their own kids and the nursery workers will be well used to it. I think my DD cried when we dropped her off all the time until about 6 months before she went to school (she was there from 2.5 - 5 years) but she loved it.

MegaManic · 18/09/2023 14:57

Oh and my DH works in a preschool and there are many kids like this so I'm surprised if he is the only one - it's likely that you are just focused on him so don't neccesarily notice other kids.

Original poster

WalnutBlue · 18/09/2023 15:11

There are a few other kids but it's gradually ramped up the past few days.
I think with dh it wasn't so bad as he got dropped off in the car then taken straight in but with school now he has to walk so maybe it's the anticipation.
I spoke to the main teacher who said he's lovely inside and apparently no problems they are aware of apart from lacking some confidence when asking to use the toilet (just toilet trained but having the odd accident).
Obviously we had the weekend but I think he hates being separated from me and loves his toys at home so wants to stay inside and play in the morning.
I don't want to start being mean but maybe I will have to rush him out the door
Will try the sticker method if he can take one in his pocket it may calm him.
Just so stressful with work all I can think about is how crap drop off has been.

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TeenDivided · 18/09/2023 15:18

Presumably nursery rather than school, school?

Try:
getting there earlier before all the crowds
getting there later after all the crowds
giving him a transition toy / object for his pocket or something with your perfume on it
promise a treat if he goes in and remind him just before handover e.g. 'if you go in nicely today I'll bring you a treat this afternoon'
saying 'I know it is hard for you to leave me, but you will have fun and I'll be back before you know it'

TeenDivided · 18/09/2023 15:19

Also, try a pushchair rather than walking.

thirdfiddle · 18/09/2023 15:29

Is there something you could be "going out to do" that he'd find really dull? So it's both of you having to go out rather than him thinking of you being at home without him. Or something to do at home - mine hated us hoovering so if we were doing that they'd rather be anywhere else!

Tryingtohelp12 · 18/09/2023 15:29

Have you tried getting there early so he can be first in/ first in the queue? My some used to get super overwhelmed with the crowd at the gate and used to hate walking into places which where already ‘full’ but seemed to cope much better if he arrived first?

Elzibells · 18/09/2023 15:35

My daughter is same age and has just started nursery, she was fine at first but now novelty has worn off and she is very reluctant to go, tearful etc but fine when there. This morning I drew a little heart on her hand and one on mine and told her whenever she was missing me to give it a kiss and I would feel it and kiss it back. We practiced it a bit before she left. It seemed to help a little bit. Another thing I found helpful is a kids book called 'The Invisible String' xx

trampoline123 · 18/09/2023 15:48

I think this is common, a bit of a realisation it's not a one off and is going to be every day. Imagine being 3, they are out of their comfort zone, but they will get used to it.

Our son is 3 too and recently started nursery school (he was at a CM before with his brother). For 2 days he loved it, since weds he's been crying and screaming going in. Hard to see, but they will get used to the change.

Iamnotastick · 18/09/2023 16:11

SO normal. All the new kids to nursery the last few weeks have been in hysterics at the door, wailing and clinging to their parents, and that is at a private nursery rather than preschool so the kids are dropped at all different times.

They all settle eventually! 3 is still so little. I would try the pram if it makes it easier.

steppemum · 18/09/2023 16:53

I think this is transition rather than separation.

The easiest way is to reduce the size of that transition.
Ask nursery if you can walk him in and get him settled at an activity before leaving.
Don't sneak out though, say goodbye and give him a transition object. Something of yours that he has in his pocket until you come back.

I think nurseries are generally too keen to make your drop and leave. Soft transition is so much better for little kids and if you crack it now, it will be easier in the future.

It is not enabling him to carry him in. It is reassuring him that you are still there and taking him over the transition bump.
You won't need to do it forever. But now he needs that reassurance.

Original poster

WalnutBlue · 19/09/2023 09:14

Thank you guys for all your advice.
We are taking him in last.. Another morning crying I want to go home.
He said he just wanted to play in his room and tried all of the delaying tactics. Think he just doesn't like leaving his comfort zone.
Sticker seemed to cheer him up a bit but not for long.. I will suck it up and carry him in at handover I think for a few months.
Going to try maybe drawing something on both of our hands he can kiss that's a good idea. I do think the fact there's more kids and he was in his old nursery since a baby is a factor so it's a big change.

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ginandtonicwithlimes · 19/09/2023 13:47

Have you tried a new scooter or little bike? Get there quicker and takes his mind off whilst he is concentrating on using the scooter/bike.

Original poster

WalnutBlue · 19/09/2023 18:37

Didn't think of the bike idea so might be worth a try.
On the plus side he said I'm very happy on pick up today and I want to walk to school tomorrow without prompting. He was also dry no accidents.
I still think he will throw a fit again, it's something about leaving the house in the morning, but at least he is doing well in school.

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