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Parenting

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Original poster

Concerned for my childs safety, advice appreciated

21 replies

PeacockTiger · 18/09/2023 12:02

Hi,

I hope I have posted this in the correct place, first time poster.

I am a single mum with a 3 yo toddler. She spends two Saturdays of the month with her father. My ex has a disability and is unable to run.

My daughter is very social and happy child but one concern I have and I have reiterated to my ex is that she has a tendency to run off, she thinks this is funny and its part of a game usually she wants me to chase after her.

This Saturday she spent with her father, he called me on Sunday morning and told me that he had taken her to the park.
Side note, my daughter has just been potty trained, this was the first time she has been to her dads without a nappy therefore I asked my ex to keep her at home because she's not used to using the toilet at his or around him.

On Saturday he had taken her to the park with my daughters grandfather and two other adults.
While they were there she ran off, they were not able to find her for half an hour.

I am extremely distraught about hearing this and have really being trying to process this.
I have sat my daughter down and talked about why she shouldn't run off. I spoke with nursery too this morning to reiterate the message that running off is dangerous.

But moving forward I am very concerned about the safety of my daughter while she is with her father. Especially because there were 4 adults there and she still got lost and because I asked him to keep her at home (for her wellbeing) and this was disregarded.

I am not sure how to move forward and how to reiterate my concerns to my ex because I do not feel I will be taken seriously.

He has previously taken me to mediation (because he didnt want to pick and drop her) and I'm wondering if this might be an avenue to go down.
I would like to stop the visits for the foreseeable future but I am apprehensive about this too.

Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:

Rainraingoawaycomebackanotherday · 18/09/2023 12:36

I would call the NSPCC for advice.

CMOTDibbler · 18/09/2023 12:39

She needs reins, not being stopped from seeing her dad.

hdbs17 · 18/09/2023 12:41

Agree with reigns.

You can't stop her seeing her dad because of his disability, if he's involved in her life and is a good dad.

You need to adapt her to meet his capabilities in keeping her safe, which means she needs to be on reigns when out with him until she's old enough to really understand about the dangers of running off.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3 year olds Families General parenting Potty training

Stade197 · 18/09/2023 12:47

I keep my 2 year old on reigns because I know he will will run off, I only let go of him if we are at an enclosed park that he can't get out of, and even then I am with him watching & playing with him

I don't understand how that many adults can lose a child! If I were you I would definitely insist on her dad using reigns with her or he isn't allowed to take her outside! And if you really cant trust him to be a responsible parent then you should try for supervised visits. Your child's safety is too important to let him get away with this

Original poster

PeacockTiger · 18/09/2023 23:24

She was in an enclosed space, she still managed to open a gate and run off, far enough to get lost and go unseen by four adults.

I have advised my ex previously about her running and he admitted yesterday to me that she has run off before (into a road). Reins are a great idea but i am incredibly frustrated that this suggestion will have to come from me when this is a solution he should be coming up with. The frustration lies in the fact that he does no parenting, he isnt involved in her life apart from those two Saturdays a month.
This is why I am apprehensive about sending her to him in the future as he doesn't think about bare minimum parenting, for example when he drops her home she has never been fed dinner.

Im also concerned that even with reins they wont be used properly and something like this will happen again.

I think supervised visits is the solution I just don't know how to go about this as we do not have a court order and to be honest I am afraid of his reaction.

OP posts:

Benchpress · 18/09/2023 23:27

PeacockTiger · 18/09/2023 23:24

She was in an enclosed space, she still managed to open a gate and run off, far enough to get lost and go unseen by four adults.

Im also concerned that even with reins they wont be used properly and something like this will happen again.

I think supervised visits is the solution I just don't know how to go about this as we do not have a court order and to be honest I am afraid of his reaction.

Just a thought, what would his reaction be if you sent him a revised version of this?

MintJulia · 18/09/2023 23:40

While it's nerve-wracking when children get lost, it does happen, all the time.

I think trying to insist on supervised visits is a bit of an over-reaction to be honest.

Send her next time, with a set of reins and let him and his family get to grips with them. Also, you cannot insist on him keeping her at home, whatever the reason. If he has PR, then the visits are on his time and it is up to him to decide what they do and where they go.

Obviously you can advise, but in the end, it's his call.

Zola1 · 18/09/2023 23:45

I work with families who have supervised contact with their children. The risks include physical and sexual abuse, domestic violence, heroin and alcohol use, and very very poor mental health (eg, on s17 leave from a psychiatric ward).
I'm not sure this situation would warrant supervision.
Stop laughing and chasing her when she runs. Get reins and you and her Dad both use them. You can't control if he keeps her at home on one of his 2 days a month with her.

TheShellBeach · 18/09/2023 23:51

OP you should also be using reins. Your DD needs to learn that it isn't a game to run off.

WandaWonder · 18/09/2023 23:57

Finding an excuse for supervised visits is not the answer

Was he disabled when you had a child with him?

You cant pick and chose but would be best for all to actually seek legal advice

Benchpress · 19/09/2023 01:17

On reflection I do agree with the others that this is your responsibility to sort and reigns are needed with you too. Arguably she developed this tendency to run off in your care, simply because she’s with you most of the time. How do you react when she runs off? As she continues to find it funny, a game and doesn’t take it seriously. It’s kids being kids yes, but it’s also attention seeking behaviour trying to get a certain reaction from you. Something about how you react is making her repeat it.

Hopefully this experience will have shown her that running away isn’t as fun as it seems, without her having to experience something awful?

ultimately if you get her used to reigns in your household, she’ll find it easier to adjust when you’re not there and you can be more sure she’ll be safe without you. You using reigns with her makes it easier for him to do the same - think of the bigger picture. Also if he chooses not to use reigns and something happens, you’re in a stronger position to demand supervision

OhMelville · 19/09/2023 01:22

Having got a very active toddler also, & her Dad isn’t great, I can sympathise and understand your position. For me, her safety is first and I would be stopping her going no question about it after that happening. I don’t know what would make me change my mind but absolutely not would she be going again. Completely agree with you here OP.

frenchnoodle · 19/09/2023 04:05

she has a tendency to run off, she thinks this is funny and its part of a game usually she wants me to chase after her.

Stop doing this, stop teaching her running off is funny. You are putting her in danger.

AprQ · 19/09/2023 04:16

Use rains it’s really simple. I use reins for my 2 year old because she literally can’t be trusted. I still hold her hand because she still wants to try and run with reins on. I use the wrist to wrist ones and there’s literally no way to use them incorrectly.

Supervised visits isn’t the answer imo. Get him clued up on the reins. If he takes her to the park and she’s capable of unlocking a gate and running off then he clearly needs to keep a better eye on her and not be distracted by other people. Your daughter will have to eventually leave that she’s not allowed to keep on running off due to how dangerous it is

Concerned for my childs safety, advice appreciated

autienotnaughty · 19/09/2023 06:04

Agree with other posters, you need to work on teaching her not to run away and not let it be a game. I would also use reins. Share your parenting plans with you ex so you can both be on same page.

It seems like you are struggling with your child visiting ex. It is tough but you can't control what he does ie go park. Its unfair to try to restrict your dd relationship with him.

unlikelychump · 19/09/2023 06:50

Pushchair?

You can't have her running off all the time OP. You are setting up your rx to fail.

110APiccadilly · 19/09/2023 07:01

I agree with others that you shouldn't be allowing her to run off. I have a nearly three year old and if she started running off I'd start using reins. It's not fair on your daughter if most of the time running off is a game, then suddenly she goes to daddy's and it's not allowed.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 19/09/2023 07:12

You can't tell him to stay in because she is just out of nappies either!

LadyPenelope68 · 19/09/2023 07:16

You are absolutely over-reacting in saying that it should be supervised contact. You’ve said yourself that she runs off from you as well, so why is what happened with your ex any different? Maybe you’ve just been lucky that she hasn’t got lost when with you.

You are also making the situation worse by chasing her and turning it into a game, she needs to be told no very firmly and not have this seen as a game. If you don’t, how on earth is she supposed to know that it’s not a game with Daddy? Sounds like you’ve made the situation worse. Reins need to be used by BOTH of you, not just your ex DH. Sounds like you haven’t thought about using them either, so not sure why you’re berating your ex about it not being his idea.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 19/09/2023 07:21

Very ableist to tell someone they cannot take their child out because a disability stops their ability to run,you equally cannot banish them from leaving the house because a child is newly potty trained ffs.

If they are with you the majority of the time then you need to teach them not to run off. Unless there is some sort of neurodiversity and/or additional needs, I fail to understand why you aren't. And reins.

My own child is 4yo with ASD, SLD. They are a flight risk and have no road sense whatsoever. They have no dad, but on occasion a family member with rather a few health difficulties will watch them for me for urgent appointments or collect them from school for me. Whilst it's rare, never would I tell them they cannot leave the car or their home, due to their health issues or my DCs toileting needs, and my child has ongoing bowel issues. I simply ask them to use reins or a pushchair if needed and to take spare clothes and pop to a loo when they can.

Jibo · 19/09/2023 07:22

Really half an hour? Was DD distressed when the found her or did she think they were playing hide and seek? As others have said, the solution here is to teach DD not to run off/hide rather than letting her see this a game. DD spends 28/30 days with you so it shouldn't be that hard. If she can't stay close then she will have to go on reins/wear a wrist strap/be strapped into a buggy like a baby.

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