Desperate for help with my 6 and 8 year old’s behaviour

[mamatothreebunnies]

I don’t want to sound dramatic but my DD aged 6 and 8 (9 in few weeks) bicker and argue all. Day. Long. Every. Day. The argue about everything. My older one seems to be the main trouble maker, she generally isn’t very nice to her sister, finds something wrong with everything she does or says and cannot play a game without it turning into an argument. The irony is my older dd is the sweetest and kindest to other people and her friends at school. Even to her baby brother. But when it comes to her sister she has an unkind behaviour. I have tried speaking with her, explaining the importance of being kind to her sister, explaining how unacceptable her behaviour is etc etc. I’m just at a loss now. It’s causing a lot of problems within our family as our days are filled with arguments. I also feel like my younger daughters mental health is being affected by this constant battle of defending herself or fighting back with her sister. not saying she’s an angel at all, but she is kind by nature and loves her older sister so it hurts her when she’s being argued with.

what’s the solution? I am really heartbroken seeing my girls behave like this. It sucks the joy out of our days and I hate being cross with them repeatedly.

The solution is boundaries and consequences

next time she starts you give her one warning and then that’s it if she doesn’t listen to you then you put the consequence in

also consider having a private chat to her about why she feels the need to verbally attack her sister?

consider that she isn’t as nice to others as you believe - generally if kids are like this in the home they are the same if not worse out of it

@Quitelikeit thank you for your reply. What kind of consequences are appropriate for this age? I’d love some suggestions.

she really is very nice to others, her teachers always speak highly of her kindness and I always get told by other parents who’ve had her at play dates and parties. I’ve also seen with my own eyes the way she is with other kids. She just behaves like this with her sister.

Completely agree, boundaries and consequences.
Also it is ok to have discussions/disagreements and the such but the boundaries more on how they are handled.
So if you have a disagreement and it is handled in this way (unkind words etc) and not this way (communication, listening, resolution) then there's a consequence. So lean away from consequences for arguements but only on consequences for how they are handled.
Maybe sitting them down and teaching them how to handle the disagreements first, laying down the boundaries and consequences and then going from there.

Also you asked about consequences, obviously you want to give her a consequence that doesn't make her dislike her sister more, nor that her sister can 'lord over her' so I would steer away from taking away the tablet, or a toy or cancelling a special but rather give her a task oriented consequence. Maybe a chore or something 'self-improving' that gives her a chance to think about it. That makes it more into a positive- this is how we are going to handle disagreements now so lets work towards that by maybe writing an apology to her sister, or reading a chapter of a book about kindness, rather than 'youre being unkind so I'm going to take something away from you'

Actually before applying any consequences I would try to understand why she is behaving like this.

Not saying this is true in your case but I have seen younger siblings manipulate their parents by antagonising the older child behind their parents back and getting them into trouble.

I would definitely go down the chat way.

Ask her how she feels when someone (friends/ siblings) call her names or speak to her like she does to her sister.

I wouldn't single her out with consequences, but something like a swear jar could be good for all children in the household.

Have say 15 pebbles in it and take on out each time they are unkind to each other.

At the end of the week count them out and the one with the most pebbles can choose a film to watch or gets a few more sweets to themselves from the weekly shop.... your opinions are endless.

Hi OP, I recommend the books 'How to talk: siblings without rivalry' and 'My Hidden Chimp'.