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Parenting

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Original poster

6 year old says I hate her

14 replies

Punkeez · 17/09/2023 21:06

Hello

my 6 year old daughter today told my husband that she thinks I hate her and don’t want to spend time with her. For some context, we had been out to meet one of her friends and I had seen her be a little bit mean so had been quite cross with her and told her that if she behaved like that to her friends they wouldn’t want to spend time with her. We got home and she ran to my husband, was very upset and told him whilst crying that she thinks I hate her and don’t like her. I’m absolutely mortified. She’s said this once before as well (again after she had been reprimanded for bad behaviour). Has anyone else’s child said this before? I’m so worried she thinks I’m overly critical of her and it will result in a bad relationship between us both, and my heart breaks at the idea she really does think I hate her.

we do spend a lot of time time together, but she does push my buttons sometimes as all kids do.

I’ve spoken to her and told her there’s nothing she could do that would ever make me not love her, but that I didn’t like her behaviour at that time.

my mother was very emotionally abusive and I was constantly told I wasn’t wanted, wasn’t loved and grew up incredibly insecure as a result and I’m worried I’ve somehow psychologically made my daughter feel the same way.

OP posts:

Vitamindquestion · 17/09/2023 21:13

Maybe there was a better way to talk to her about her behaviour rather than shaming her. But it’s done now - you can do it a different way next time?

arcadiamadia · 17/09/2023 21:17

In my experience you have to be about 100 times more gentle than you think with sensitive children.

I tell my DD all the time how much I love and like her and if I do think she's got something wrong I couch it very gently.

I'm not saying this to sound smug by the way. But my parents were pretty poor emotionally and I try and do things differently too.

Goodornot · 17/09/2023 21:19

You say your husband...not her father?

That's a bit heavy handed to stay none of her friends will want to see her for being a bit mean.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

6 year olds Families General parenting

arcadiamadia · 17/09/2023 21:22

Try reading 'the book you wish your parents had read' by phillipa Perry.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 17/09/2023 21:26

My daughter always pulls out the you hate me when she gets told off- I always reiterate, I love you more than anything in the world, nothing you do could make me hate you- but that behaviour I hate and I’m allowed to tell you off. I personally think it’s an attempt to get out of trouble- a lifetime of love and devotion isn’t going to be destroyed because you have cross words with your child.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 17/09/2023 21:26

Oh and she’s 6 too

Original poster

Punkeez · 17/09/2023 21:29

Thank you for the replies. My husband is her dad - it was poor wording on my part. I’ve ordered the book and I guess will try and think of other ways to deal with her behaviour. I hadn’t thought it was terrible to say her friends wouldn’t want to spend time with her if she was unkind, but thinking it over I could have been more tactful.

OP posts:

dearanon · 17/09/2023 21:36

kids don't like getting into trouble. She will be playing on that.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/09/2023 21:39

For some context, we had been out to meet one of her friends and I had seen her be a little bit mean so had been quite cross with her and told her that if she behaved like that to her friends they wouldn’t want to spend time with her.

Did you say this within earshot of her friend? Even if her friend didn't hear you, they would have been able to pick up on the awful atmosphere you created.

TaigaSno · 17/09/2023 22:03

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 17/09/2023 21:26

I agree with this. I hope your husband backed you up!

Maray1967 · 17/09/2023 23:22

Classic attempt to deflect. Both of mine tried this on. Stay calm and reassure but never back down on telling off if it’s needed.

Screamingabdabz · 17/09/2023 23:25

Maray1967 · 17/09/2023 23:22

Classic attempt to deflect. Both of mine tried this on. Stay calm and reassure but never back down on telling off if it’s needed.

Exactly. You disciplined her and she didn’t like it.

Vitamindquestion · 18/09/2023 09:31

Also try the Dr Becky podcast. Agree with the above about sensitive children.

We all make mistakes, OP. I wasn’t very nice to my DC this morning because we were running late. Best thing to do is own up to it after.

I’m not saying don’t call her out on being mean to her friends, but there’s a way to say that to allow her hear you, and know she’s still loved. I mean, I don’t listen when I get shouted at, I shut down.

SeaToSki · 18/09/2023 09:42

I tried to start a telling off with I love you but I dont like what you just did and then explain why…separating the behaviour from the child. But dont let a 6 yr old phase you, you have to let them know when they are behaving appropriately, they dont just learn by osmosis.

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