4 month old crying when held by MIL

[SpringTime2023]

My 4 month old has become very sensitive to family members holding them - even people eg MIL who have held them lots of times previously.

I thought separation anxiety is something that happens much older, so I'm panicking that I've done something wrong in terms of attachment.

I even asked my DH to look after baby and put them down for a nap while I go to the gym for first time, but I had to return after 15 minutes because they became hysterical. I think DH is secretly hurt, but also said that she was probably overtired and that I would have just offered her breast for comfort which obvs he can't do.

Feeling quite trapped and anxious now as I've not been able to have any time for myself since they were born, and I don't know how it will get better. They are EBF.

Anyone have any words of encouragement please?

Honestly they go through phases like nobodies business, there's so much stuff going on in those tiny developing brains they have to cope with... just because they're like that now doesn't mean they always will be. Just go with the flow and respond to your child's needs whatever they are in that time.

Oh it hurts hearing them cry, doesn't it? I think you have to just ride out this phase.

Why do people refer to their babies as they, not he or she?

Anyway, it happens, it tough, it passes. Enjoy it while it lasts, I miss babies and toddlers, it's exhausting magic that you don't appreciate until its over

You haven’t done anything wrong. Babies go through phases of preferring certain people over others. At 4 months she’s probably just getting more alert and aware and noticing more that it’s a different person. And it’s very normal that you’re her favourite person - you give her the milk!

Your DH should keep trying though regularly, otherwise it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that she only settles for you. More applicable when she’s a bit older though.

Just keep trying. Your baby is completely safe with their other parent. Will they take a bottle or dummy? Ours wouldn’t take a dummy, but I used to express or use formula when I was out. It’s important for you to get a break, I would try a persevere.

Just trying to keep personal info on forums as vague as possible. I know this is probably overkill.

No they won't take a bottle either. This is something else I have struggled with. If I'm honest I feel my DH wasn't as keen on preserving with trying, so I've tried but failed as they probably know boob is right there!

Thanks. Yes, I need to remind myself that it's a phase. As a FTM you just don't know any different I guess.

Try the bottle when you are not around. If they can smell the milk on you they’re more likely to reject it. We started bottles in the first few weeks as I was nervous about a bottle refuser. Appreciate that’s not a lot of help now, but friends have had success with going out for a few hours and leaving their partner with a bottle.

My son is five months old and went through exactly the same phase at four months. He is slowly starting to come out the other side now. We combination fed since birth so our little one was used to being bottle fed by Dad but he even started to refuse to let him do this! He also only wanted to be settled by me when he woke up in the night. He would also cry if extended family members tried to hold him. It is exhausting but like with everything when it comes to babies, just keep repeating to yourself that it is just a phase and you will come out the other side!

My 18 month grandson doesn't like to be held by me etc he cries so i dont overstep these boundaries... he has separation anxiety from mum. Im just present but not overbearing. I dont take offence because its natural. Older grandson is like a limpet though🤣. I hope you can find a solution, you need time to yourself xxx

Btw it will get better xxx

You said she and her so I think we've guessed it's a girl.

Anyway, welcome to the delights of parenthood. As my wise gp said to me, ''just as you've got into one nice routine, they get a bit older, change again, and you're back to trying to work out how to manage that".
And so it goes on.

Just wait a few months, it gets better :-) keep letting Dad hold her and in time maybe he could do a bath before bed so he's there at that time, then gradually drop milk etc but it's early days yet!

DS was like this, I remember going out for a walk with DH and leaving DS with my very capable and loving in-laws.

They ended up having to call us to come back after about 10 minutes as DS was inconsolable.

It eventually passed, he’s now a teenager and independent but has always been a very loving and caring boy and very attached to me. You’re not doing anything wrong, all babies are different!

DD had separation anxiety from 4 months if not younger, she's nearly 5 and it's not gone away but she is ND and it's really not that common to have it so strongly.

You just have to feel out what your baby needs, people told me it would get better and she'd get used to it but that was wrong, what works for some won't work for others, some need more time and support.