Friends are not understanding that I'm a new parent now

[SadDustBunny]

I have had a group of friends that were great for about five years. I thought that would continue after becoming a parent. I just got to a point in my life where I started having time to spend with them as before I just got really tired and busy. I tried keeping things going I did but DC was having so many health problems it got too difficult to jiggle everything. So I took a break for a bit.

I come back everyone's friendships have shifted. And now everyone seems to resent me a little. We used to be a group where we were all open to share our hardships with each other freely and we would all be understanding. And it seemed to be that way still. We all talked about our ups and downs seemingly equally. But when I did it they seemed to think anything I brought up was quite amusing. They had never treated me this way before.

They want me to participate in time consuming activities that just don't work with my new life. I tried explaining this but they are not understanding.

Now it's all "well you should of thought of that before doing this or that." Or "Oh wait you didn't know that? Obviously you are a parent now." And my personal favourite "Maybe next time you'll use a condom."

I guess they resent me for choosing this path. We are all roughly the same age. Mid to early 30's so you know we aren't at an age where becoming a parent is strange or unusual.

But I guess I should just take a hint and get lost. I'm obviously not welcome. It just hurts feeling so rejected. I don't expect them to bend to my new chosen life style. I just thought it would be nice to chat occasionally. But they clearly don't feel the same.

I feel really alone. I thought they were understanding people but they're not.

I don't know why the title looks like that. It's supposed to say new parent. 😳

They're not your friends. Friends don't treat each other that way.
Go to some parent/child groups and meet other mums.
I lost a lot of friends when I had children but I'm not sad about it as I realise our lives went on completely different paths and we grew out of each other. All of my friends that I'm close with have children of similar ages and we all understand what each other is going through.

Find your new tribe.

If they are in their 30s and are not in long term relationships/havent had children I imagine they are feeling seriously "yikes better hurry up" itchy about that. So on that basis I think their comments are due to their own feelings of "yikes", anxiety and envy.
Even those that are adamant they dont want kids - a bit of them will be thinking of you and you baby and just for a moment questioning their decision.
Dont take it to heart Saddustbunny but maybe time to back off and find some new friends (or at least keep this group on a longer leash)

I feel you op I'm FTM 28 all my friends are similar ages and most of them still only live for the weekends to go out and get drunk do god knows whatever let's just say I stopped getting invited after awhile but they few who actually understand are still here and by my side. This is the same people who had a moan to my friend "she doesn't make an effort anymore" "she used to be fun" but came to my baby shower hit hammered and still hadn't met my 7 month old joint soon realise who's your friends and who's not I really don't think they are you're true friends

Sorry got hammered*

@Totallyterrific

I think you might be onto something. A couple of them where in serious relationships but went through big break ups and two of them have been unsuccessfully serial dating. I don't know why I didn't think of that. Really I'm the only one who is married and has a kid. 😅 I guess my situation might be hitting a sore spot for them. I agree that I should probably just join a mom's group though. It might help with the loneliness part a bit.

Honestly I guess when I think of it their interests really don't fit with mine anymore anyways.

@FTM1333

I didn't want to say anything but this is actually why the group kind of split in half. Half is still really into partying drugs and alcohol and the other half is trying to sober up and they got into a massive disagreement with each other because the sober half felt disrespected by the user half because they wouldn't hide that they were still using.

User half of friends feel hurt and defensive and sober half feel disrespected and cranky because you know they're getting sober. So everyone is just in a bad mood in general for different reasons.

I was never really a party gal. I was in it for the movies and board games. And I would occasionally be teased for that but didn't mind because they were fun people. We're all really into board games but they want to play games that can easily go on for 6 hours. I just don't have that kind of time anymore. 🥲

What a bitchy thing to say "Next time use a condom". WTF?!

I agree, start meeting other mums.

I meet up occasionally with 3 other mums for wine, chats and laughs, our kids are in their 30's!
Two of them are granny even.

People have different priorities and grow apart. It's just life and it doesn't have to be a drama. Move on and find some friends who fit with where you're at now.

Parenthood changes friendships because it changes so much of the parent (not necessarily permanently, but definitely whilst children are tiny).

It's a huge divide, and in your thirties, you don't yet know who will end up where. Some people who wanted children won't have them, some who didn't want children will nonetheless end up being a parent. As soon as any of them have children, they'll be under the same time/energy/financial/level of interest constraints as you, and maybe the friendship will pick up again.

Try not to judge them - it's easy to decide their lives are frivolous/selfish/immature compared to yours, and for them to decide yours is boring or whatever, but your chances of friendships weathering this period are vastly improved if you can accept without judgement.

As your child gets older, you will have more time and energy for friends and interests, so don't cut them off entirely.

In the meantime, focus on making new mum friends, so you can discuss baby-related topics to your heart's content and you all understand the constraints you're under. It will take the pressure off your existing friendships too.

It's something everyone goes through, but don't necessarily write your old friends off yet.

Contact the ones you DO still have an interest in maintaining a friendship with and arrange something with them.

The others? They were 'friends for a reason or friends for a season' not 'friends for life'. And that's ok. While they were your friends they were good friends. Remember them fondly, but don't feel obliged to do things you don't want to because of that history.

So much wisdom written in this thread. I teared up a little at both your comments @Speedweed and @OrderOfTheKookaburra

Thank you for your kind words. It's hard but I do love my friends even if they've hurt my feelings a lot recently. I'll try to keep an open mind about the whole thing. You're right. Perhaps we're just at different places and we may grow together or apart but only time will tell. For now I'll just move on and see where the wind will take us.

Also you can focus on quality rather than quantity. I found that esp with group Whatsapps I was often just cruising.
I saw that paying more attention to my real relationships with individuals improved things. I didn't have to be the 'groupee' all the time, I was free to message someone for a quick coffee or whatever. Or if you know they have something coming up, to send them a good luck text etc.
There's usually one or two strong characters who are the leaders in friends groups. That's handy because they do motivate others to meet up, but they also have more weight in swinging how the decisions go.
So don't take it personally, rather than go off all hurt, use the group for your benefit but don't be afraid to say no.
You can preface a No with a declaration of feelings towards them, such as 'I love seeing you but it doesn't work for me this time, enjoy''

Dynamics are bound to change after big life events like having a child, and maybe things will take time to settle. Don't be quick to discard friends if they bring value to your life. The comments you've quoted sound a bit out of order though.

You're doing good 😊 A sad part of parenthood is learning not all friendships will be able to take the hit. Focus on yourself, it sounds like they're a bit jealous.