2-year-old picking up shocking behaviour straight after starting nursery

[OpheliaABC]

My daughter was going to a lovely childminder. She's sadly now closed her business so we got our daughter into a nursery that we really liked and - I should say - chose specifically from amongst other options after viewing several nurseries and meeting childminders. The staff are absolutely lovely. They seem very on it and dedicated with really good communication. However, my daughter's behaviour has immediately gone downhill (she started this week).

The nursery was very transparent about the fact that they are all-inclusive, including children with special needs and challenging behaviour, as it should be in my opinion. Now I'm however questioning this decision. My daughter has become more aggressive, saying "I'm angry", "go away, mummy" and has been hitting/throwing things when she comes home. She would never do this before and she was always an angel at the childminder's. The outbursts never last long, they only happen immediately after she comes back from the nursery.

I of course appreciate that this is only her first week, that she is tired and probably overwhelmed from the change. But I can't help but think that she is observing this behaviour, copying it and that if she carries on seeing it daily it will change her.

I don't want to insulate her from the world, and I'm not saying all the kids in the nursery are disruptive, but I miss my innocent, polite toddler who always looks on in horror when other kids misbehave. I can just imagine her on her little chair in nursery being scared/shocked of other kids shouting/crying. Maybe I'm overreacting, but should I swap to a childminder or give it more time?

The nursery sends updates and pictures every day, and the feedback is that my daughter is lovely to look after, plays happily, eats all her lunch and naps when she needs to. She's happy to see me at pick up and has been happily going in, apart from today when she did cry at drop off for the first time and didn't want to let go of me. So I'm having a wobble and questioning my decision today, even though she had quickly settled after I disappeared (her room leader updated me straight away - she really is lovely). Just looking for gentle guidance, please be kind as I'm having mum guilt!

If she is happy there and you otherwise feel happy with the nursery I would give it a bit more of a chance.

However, you need very firm but fair boundaries at home so that it's absolutely clear that this behaviour isn't ok. It has to be every single time and delivered calmly.

I've always found with my DD, who is mostly very well behaved that if she exhibits very bad behaviour, that I'm so shocked by it that I risk not reacting in a useful way. Remember it's not personal. Keep in perspective that her personality isn't changing and that she is mimicking a behaviour she is seeing elsewhere. She just needs consistency where possible to learn that this is not how we behave.

I'd speak to the nursery manager because I would want to understand what action is taken to teach the other children that a behaviour isn't appropriate. Ie, not just dealing with the child making the behaviour but ensuring that the other kids are being taught that being hit by another child isn't ok, or a child damaging something isn't ok.

You need to give it more time

I think it's unlikely that a handful of days in a new setting has changed her behaviour from 'angel' to what sounds like pretty normal toddler behaviour. More likely she's 2, she's tired and she's transitioning to a new place. I don't think it's helpful to think of our children as angelic or beyond certain types of behaviour - she's exhibiting normal toddler behaviour for that kind of situation. My older DD is 4 now and generally not a difficult child at all, but she's still a child and has had phases of behaviour that were challenging, as they all do.

At such a young age, behaviour is definitely a means of communicating so I wouldn’t ignore this new behaviour, although it might not be what you imagine and it’s also completely normal for children to change.

Can you talk to your daughter a little to try to understand? Is she actually angry when she does it? If the behaviour stops quite quickly once at home it might be roleplaying rather than actual anger? Roleplaying is a really healthy way to explore feelings. It would make sense with a new setting and meeting all sorts of new friends that there’s a lot to process.

Or she is fuming about moving settings and taking it out on you 😬

Its psychologically normal & healthy for kids to be on good behaviour in more formal settings & then need to vent at home, so, I wonder if - rather than copying behaviour she’s seen in other kids - she’s focussed very hard on taking in lots of new people, rules & stimulus & on being a “good girl” all day & needs a bit of a release when she gets home. I’d be firm about your boundaries (no hitting/ throwing etc) but empathetic. I’d definitely give it more time too.