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Original poster

Social services won't tell us where my FIL is - help!

22 replies

SatsumaZoom · 15/09/2023 15:05

I'm looking for advice for my DH. His father lives a long way away, he has recently been put into care (we are pretty sure he was removed from his wife as she was leaving him alone for extended periods and he has Alzheimer's and kept going missing). The problem is his wife does not talk to my DH so he has no idea where his father has been put, and we are just being met with a brick wall when contacting social services. Can anyone offer any advice? We just want to visit him and check he's okay it's heartbreaking 😔

OP posts:
SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 15/09/2023 15:58

That must be so difficult for all of you. Is DMIL not DH's DM?

Original poster
SatsumaZoom · 15/09/2023 18:04

No he remarried later in life. It's so frustrating and everyone is so worried 😫

OP posts:
ItsReallyOnlyMe · 15/09/2023 18:11

Are there any neighbours / friends / other family you can contact to see if they know (I'm sure you've considered this though) ?

Other than that I can only suggest ringing round the care homes in the area.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dementia & alzheimer's Families General parenting
TheFlis · 15/09/2023 18:14

There was a very similar thread to this recently. Unfortunately as FIL has a wife, your DH is not next of kin so social services will not be allowed to tell him anything. Speaking to other family, neighbours etc is probably the only avenue open as even if you ring care homes they will not be allowed to say if he is there due to GDPR.

Oldermum84 · 15/09/2023 18:21

Send all this in an email / contact form online to SS. Basically he needs to consent to them telling you where he is. If he doesn't they can't breach data protection. Ask them to ask him for consent and to let you know either way i.e. let you know his whereabouts, or tell you he doesn't consent. Then you'll know if they're not telling you for that reason. I doubt it will be quick though, SS are overrun.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 15/09/2023 18:21

This is the second recent thread like this, I can’t imagine how upsetting it must be.

I think you will only be given that information if your DH has power of attorney for health and welfare for his father

otherwise you could start ringing round all of the care homes in the area saying you’re just ringing to see how (insert name) is settling in and hope that if you ask for him by name, you might strike lucky somehow.

WhoWants2Know · 15/09/2023 18:27

Care homes can't give you any information, but you are allowed to share your own details with them. So a letter with your name, contact details and photo can be addressed to your dad , in care of (each care home). If he's there, they can give it to him.

magicscares · 15/09/2023 18:31

Email his local SS dep. Explain the circs; that DH & Dfil
have a close relationship but that Dh is now unaware of his whereabouts. Dfil may be explicitly saying he wants no contact from family in which case his wishes will be respected. Otherwise, they need to follow & evidence the mental capacity act. This is a potential infringement of his right to private & family life if dfil is not allowed contact with family.

magicscares · 15/09/2023 18:36

Sorry that should say that they need to use the MCA if they have reason to believe (can evidence) that Dfil lacks capacity to consent to whatever these arrangements may be. Otherwise, it’s up to him to choose who he is in contact with.
good luck.

ruffler45 · 15/09/2023 18:39

If you dont have one get a power of attorney. If he is unable to consent due to his Alzheimer's then apply to Court of protection/ Public Guardian. Might take a few weeks.

Turmerictolly · 15/09/2023 19:02

Has your dh been a constant recently in his life? Has the contact been regular? I think all you can do is contact the local social services team, state who he is and see if they can communicate in a meaningful way with his df to ask if he'd like contact.

Original poster
SatsumaZoom · 15/09/2023 19:51

Sadly his wife has POA and they live 7 hours away so we don't really have any local people or friends of his that we know. He moved to live with her so all his friends are hers and unlikely to give us details. We have approached different people in SS but got nowhere, and we have also tried the office of public guardian... I think we may have run out of options and I guess we just have to hope his wife thaws and understands that his children have a right to visit him too. Sadly he is too far gone to say he wants to see them.

Ss are clearly stretched and it's an impossible situation for all 😞 thanks for all who replied and sorry for posting if something similar was on here recently... I was feeling so helpless but didn't think to check back!

OP posts:
magicscares · 15/09/2023 21:03

Hi op, it’s treated quite seriously if a person who lacks capacity is denied access to their family. I can assure you that only the courts can prevent access, or other criminal proceedings. If your Dfil is not able to make the choice himself, then every step needs to be taken by SS to ensure contact is maintained
with those who he would wish to see, PoA in place or not.
He may be eligible for Dols- google this as your dh may be consulted if so.

You should contact SS & make it clear that you think his Human rights are in question- private & family life. If needs be then contact a family law solicitor to help ensure that you aren’t being brushed away. Tell SS you are doing this.

I don’t know what the previous relationship was like, but if Dfil & dh were close/ no reason to fall out then it should all be resolvable via the mental capacity act.

ruffler45 · 15/09/2023 21:05

You can still get a POA even if the wife has one already. They can be added to an existing one if the Court of protection is happy, dont think they would object to have son as POA backup especially if wife is of a similar age. What happens if she does not have "capacity" to make decisions on his behalf in the near future.

Soontobe60 · 15/09/2023 21:07

ruffler45 · 15/09/2023 18:39

If you dont have one get a power of attorney. If he is unable to consent due to his Alzheimer's then apply to Court of protection/ Public Guardian. Might take a few weeks.

An estranged relative will not get Deputyship. I know because I’ve just been through it for my stepfather. I had to send off evidence of his diagnosis, his address, and all the addresses of any other people who he has contact with. It took 8 months.

Soontobe60 · 15/09/2023 21:11

ruffler45 · 15/09/2023 21:05

You can still get a POA even if the wife has one already. They can be added to an existing one if the Court of protection is happy, dont think they would object to have son as POA backup especially if wife is of a similar age. What happens if she does not have "capacity" to make decisions on his behalf in the near future.

Edited

This is incorrect. The person who wants to give POA to someone has to still have capacity to do so. This person is in a care home with dementia so it’s highly unlikely he now has capacity. As his wife has POA, then there is no need for Deputyship via the Court of Protection.

LindorDoubleChoc · 15/09/2023 21:16

How did you find out he has gone into care? Who told you that?

PermanentTemporary · 15/09/2023 21:25

I would write to the Office of the Public Guardian with a complaint that your Dad's attorney is not acting in his best interests by preventing contact between him and his family.

dearanon · 15/09/2023 21:46

Could you not ring around dementia care/nursing homes in the area asking for the address because you've got a card to send to x resident. If they say they don't have a resident of that name then you know he's not there.

They're usually placed local to their home. Not always but more usual that they're placed close to home or within a certain distance.

So sorry you're going through this.

ruffler45 · 15/09/2023 23:02

Soontobe60 · 15/09/2023 21:11

This is incorrect. The person who wants to give POA to someone has to still have capacity to do so. This person is in a care home with dementia so it’s highly unlikely he now has capacity. As his wife has POA, then there is no need for Deputyship via the Court of Protection.

Show quote history

Not true - You can go for this

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/court-of-protection-personal-welfare-application-cop-gn4

Court of Protection: personal welfare application (COP GN4)

When and how to make a ‘personal welfare application’ for the power to make a decision for someone who lacks mental capacity.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/court-of-protection-personal-welfare-application-cop-gn4

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 16/09/2023 17:44

Hope you get to find out soon Flowers

Springduckling · 16/09/2023 17:50

PermanentTemporary · 15/09/2023 21:25

I would write to the Office of the Public Guardian with a complaint that your Dad's attorney is not acting in his best interests by preventing contact between him and his family.

Agree, this is something you an do. It may end in the breakdown of the LPA, which will cause a headache all round, but if you feel she isn't acting in FILs best interests then that option is open to you.

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