Terrible 4 year old

[Ammioftwo]

Hello. My daughter is 4.5 years old and attending preschool. She is an angel there but terrible at home especially at night time. I can remember when the switch happened from her being a good little toddler and to just loosing it. Over the summer, I gave birth so I was not able to pay attention to her that much and I think she has reacted because of that. I try to spend just us time together but the behavior still shows up. We are having bad days at least 2-3 times a week, not sure if that is normal. When she is good, she gets iPad before bed for a few minutes but when she is bad and as a consequence looses her rewards, she then will act out all the way. She keeps running out of her room and thinks it funny. I try not to let it get to me but when it does happens and I yell (which I am working on not to) she will just copy me.

Please help. Also, when does this phase end. I have tried taking her toys away and time outs and nothing is working.

Have you tried positive reinforcement (aka bribes!) instead of punishment? Instead of threatening a punishment for negative behavior, try focusing on something good for her when she’s cooperative. Maybe get a sticker chart and for every night she stays quietly in her room/bed, she gets a sticker, when she gets 10 she gets a small reward, a happy meal or a little book or something.

Also, although I know it’s hard, try not to engage when she comes out of the room. Just march her back in without any words. As many times as it takes, and it will be a lot in the beginning. She knows how to wind you up, and when it works, she’s succeeded. Good luck.

Don't define someone by their behaviour, for a start. She is not terrible or bad or good. She is a tiny four year old dealing with a big life change.

I do have a checkmark system and if she gets five she gets a reward but I will try to reinforce with more positive rewards

I am a gran so dc well grown. Its not unusual for a child to pop out of bed, look for another story, ask for a drink etc to prolong bedtime. Especially if she suspects baby is getting attention downstairs. Also very regular to act out when a new baby arrives as your whole life is disrupted. And finally preschool can be exhausting especially at first while Mom stays home with that new baby. It is no wonder she is acting up a bit. So no punishments but as much one on one as you can manage...both parents taking turns...at bedtime. A little rest on the couch after school with a good snack and a nice peaceful wind down time at bedtime. Don't get into a thing of punishing a 4 year old when life is tough at the moment. She will be fine and is actually quite normal.

As PP has said, rewarding good behaviour is likely the best way to go. It's not unreasonable for there to be consequences for bad behaviour though and she's old enough to understand your expectations if you sit her down and explain them in an age appropriate way.

I would also enlist some help from her keyworker at pre school. Explain the issues you're having at home and ask if they could do some 1:1 with your DD to go over good and bad choices, listening etc. This won't be the first time they'll have heard this from parents (I had to ask for some help from my child's keyworker around behaviours). I find that sometimes they listen more to authorities figures who aren't mum or dad and it just sinks in differently.

the poor child is crying out for some love and attention. From you, not an iPad.
of course you can pay her attention now she has a sibling. The new baby was never meant to replace her right? Leave baby with dad/GP and take her to the park or play with her.

You are in the most tricky of times. A child and baby almost broke me. My child's behaviour was awful when the baby arrived.

It's obvious really isn't it, they are reacting to the changes. But that doesn't make it any easier for you. Except if you can think she's not doing it on purpose and she's not being malicious that may help you frame it.

What worked for us:
Time. Eventually things get better and calm down.
Lots of positive reinforcement. Anything that she's doing highlight it...
I'm so pleased with how you are brushing your teeth this morning.
You slept in your room so well last night, did you have any dreams?
I've noticed you are sitting nicely at the table for breakfast.

Etc etc. but literally by 8am you could've said three positive things to start the day well.

Set aside time for just you and her to red a story everyday. When the baby is asleep just give some quality 1 to 1 time. Even 5 minute blasts of this works well.

Remember it gets better.

I would scrap this, all this pressure is quite disturbing for a young child.

Also stop rewarding with an iPad - screen time is a bad reward because it is not something you want them to get obsessed about having.

I'm wondering if you feel your child's behaviour is a reflection on you?

I agree with others - ditch the rewards system and move to positive reinforcement.

I have an almost 1yo and a 5yo. Their father is very rarely around so it's mostly been me dealing with both of them from the start for school run, bedtimes, bath times etc. It is getting easier but it was difficult when the baby was very little and breastfeeding for long periods. The baby has always been quite high needs in terms of needing to be cuddled/ sleeping on me etc. My older child ended up quite neglected - lots of TV and screen time, late to bed, oven food shoved in front of them and left to eat alone. It was what I had to do to get through that period and my DC1 was generally really good about it, but there was a bit of acting out/poor behaviour at times.

I dialled right back on the negative consequences and accepted that what DC1 needed was as much positive attention as possible and knowing that they were still loved. The rest we could sort out later when the baby was less demanding. I also tried to involve DC1 with the baby as much as possible and also make sure DC1 didn't miss out on stuff like playground trips and days out because of the baby. DC2 was essentially dragged everywhere DC1 wanted to go and left in a safe corner where I could see them while I interacted with DC1.

I agree with reframing it not as "naughtiness" but as a small child dealing with a huge life change with limited support from an already harassed and busy parent. She's doing great and so are you, but you have to be reasonable in your expectations for both of it.

Everyday we play together for at least 45 min wether it's park or something belae. During the weekends it's more. The iPad is just a daily reward and only for 10 min at a time

Instead of an ipad. Maybe read her a story? It will be you and her time, so a 'special time'. I suspect she is feeling a bit left out. Even for 10 mins, it helps believe me! Your hubby can look after your other child for 10 mins! It will give you a chance to snuggle up, so she will start to look forward to it and not stray out of her room!😁