Please help- co-parenting small baby with abusive ex

[Surreymum21]

Hi. I split with my ex during pregnancy, after coercive and controlling behaviour. I won’t delve deeply into this, but he has made my life hell and treated me horrendously whilst pregnant. He initially didn’t want anything to do with my baby boy, however towards the end of pregnancy changed his mind. He decided he would like to visit once a month (he lives in Kent, I have moved to Surrey). I put him on the birth certificate as I felt it was the right thing to do. He has met our son (now 8 months old) 6 times for up to 90 mins - all in public places with me giving them space but nearby. He has cancelled a couple of arranged visits. Whenever he has visited, i have been in the same building in case my son needs feeding - but have asked for him to stay in a separate space (eg soft play). He ignores this, comes to find me and spends the majority of the time sitting with and trying to talk to me and quiz me about my personal life rather than spending time bonding with ds. I am concerned that he has no real interest in his son but is using him as a vehicle to maintain control over me.
He is now saying he’d like to visit more frequently, but I fear this is more for the thrill of conflict and disrupting my life than it is desire to see his child. I have wanted to steer clear of court ordered arrangements etc as I know he would fight for maximal time not because he wants it, but for the sake of ‘winning’. He has refused to pay any maintenance, and I have been afraid to apply via CMS as I think this will anger him and make him feel he has more control over me if he is paying.

I am trying to tell myself that it is the right thing to do to facilitate a relationship between ds and his dad… but all my motherly instincts are that we would just be so much better off if he left us alone. Perhaps I’m blinded by my hatred and fear of him - if that’s the case I want to find a way to get over it so I don’t stand in the way of a father son relationship. I’d also like to move past the point where it pains me to think of a Time where he’ll have to have nights away with him etc. so a few questions:

• How do you stay sane when your precious baby has to spend time with someone you fear doesn’t truly care for them, and has been abusive towards you? (This wasn’t physical and my baby wouldn’t be at risk of physical abuse - more just negligence and ignorance about babies needs)
• how much time would be considered reasonable to progress to when he has only had an hour at a time with him so far - and is Still partially breastfed? What might our long term child arrangements look like if he pushed for more?
• How can I maintain boundaries with someone that thrives on conflict and control?

thank you so much if you have read all of this. I am utterly exhausted and broken by all of it and just want to do right by my beautiful boy, but also avoid 18 more years of toxicity

OP I've been there, I get it.

What I'd tell myself, in the early throes of this co-parenting malarkey, is to firstly call CMS. He needs to contribute towards his dc, and this takes all the heat out of his argument, gives you back some control.

What's the worst that could happen? He stops contact? Meh.

If he does manage to overcome the shock of being asked to provide for his dc and still wants contact then it is on your terms. Refuse to engage in any conversation other than about the dc. Bring a book, and just repeat how contact is in your dc interests and you don't want to engage in personal matters not concerning the dc.

I would of course have told 'future-me' to go fuck myself if I thought any of that would actually happen as I was in such a deep spiral of continued abiluse via child contact, but a few years down the line my ex completely lost interest.

Thanks so much for replying. Sorry to hear you’ve experienced that. I think it’s probably not great that I am really hoping he’ll lose interest…. I know I should probably hope the opposite for my son. But in a way I’m glad for you that it sounds like you’re being left alone now?
I guess I was hoping if I didn’t apply via CMS then he would lose interest- I think his mindset will be ‘if I’m paying, then I want to see him to get my moneys worth’…

Here's another vote for CMs. You could ask him the next time you see him when he'll be setting up his maintenance payments... but if you think the reaction will threaten your safety I'd just go straight for cms.. I doubt it will make much difference to his long term plans.

I'd then stick to the time you have so far. He's nit shown enough jnterest to form a proper bond so far and an hour a month is as much as you can cope with supervising. Perhaps when ds is older and he has proved he is actually capable of parenting he can have more time and actually do something with him. If he pushes it I'd just say 'sorry that doesn't work for us' if he days he will go to court say OK then I'll wait to hear... I doubt he'll bother if he just doing it to get at you as you can ask court for other forms of supervision as he is inappropriate with you. Your child will be alot nearer 2yrs old before a court would push a full contact schedule on you.

For God's sake will you just stop trying to do the "right thing" all the time and just do what's right for you and your baby.
I can never understand why women do this. If the roles were reversed he wouldn't give a monkeys about doing the right thing for you.
There is absolutely no reason why he needs to see you at all, and if he doesn't stop doing this then he should only be having supervised contact in a visiting centre.

Haha punchy reply but so true. As I re-read what I wrote I thought I do sound a bit feeble and afraid of him - guess that’s what makes it easy for him to carry on his behaviour

I put him on the birth certificate as I felt it was the right thing to do.

What do you mean by you put him on the birth certificate? Why?

We were married so I had to. Apparently if I didn’t it would be viewed badly in court

Might not be applicable to your situation but here’s how I’ve managed myself

1. No more WhatsApp/Texts. Everything should be over email. You can create a new email address just for messaging him so you don’t have to see his crap when you use your own personal account. Give him your email address then block him on everything else.
2. Politely ask him (in writing) to state when he would like contact. Explain you are happy to accommodate most arrangements as long as they are consistent. If he wants him for a day every weekend that’s fine but it must be consistent.
3. If you find yourself having defend who you are as a person, having to explain anything to him, having to justify yourself etc etc then STOP. Don’t get involved with arguing with a loser like him. Keep all contact professional and entirely centred around access.
4. When he has your baby - give him a bag of nappies, wipes, water, sun cream whatever your baby needs. A lot of people say it should be his responsibility to sort all that. They are correct but you’ll stress yourself more worrying that your babies needs are not being met.
5. Everytime he is nasty to you, vent about it to someone supportive. FamilyLine are a charity with a number you can call. You can call them ten times a day if you want. Just call them and rant about what a cock he is.
6. Be as nice as you possibly can to this abusive prick. I know that sounds painful but it’s just going to be exhausting for you feeding his need for conflict. Turn it into a game in your head. Whatever he says to try and get a reaction out of you, try and be as nice and calm as you possibly can.
7. Accept that you cannot change this man nor the situation you are in. You cannot unfuck someone who is fucked up. The only thing you can control is how you react to him.
8. I know it’s bloody hard at the moment, you are looking after a tiny baby alone and you’re tired and being bullied and everything seems dark. Well that baby will grow and grow and eventually will be a funny, affectionate, cute little child who makes you laugh every day, cuddles you and kisses you and will make everything worth it. Just hang in there. And yes this guy will be around in the background, but it will all still be 100x worth it.
9. Once this man realised how hard looking after a child is, he will back off anyway.

Hi there I also have a baby with a nasty guy who left me during pregnancy. Slightly different situation in that he does want to be his dad but my advice to you is that you always bring someone with you like a friend when you facilitate contact so he is a bit more appropriate/knows there is a witness there. You could also try meeting in a childrens center the staff there will make him behave a bit more.

Grey rock him when he talks about your personal life.

I would also think about how I often you can handle seeing him, if if it's once a month offer him three or four choices and he needs to pick one for September , eg Saturday at this soft play, Tuesday at the children's center, Monday at the library etc. if he can't make any with lots of notice given then try again next month.

Ps I feel your concerns about baby safety- see my post 'ex dp burnt my baby' to read the advice people gave me here