Not bonding - hating this

[Laro2323]

I feel like I've been posting relentlessly on here recently. FTM with a 2.5 week old after 2 miscarriages last year and a very anxious pregnancy. Delivered by c section. I feel no love or bond for my son at all and it's making it so hard. I've had so many difficulties with BF, he's currently predominantly formula fed which I feel awful about. I'm still trying to pump although I don't really know why. I think I have PND - I'm on Sertraline already though. The constant crying makes me fill with anxiety and anger, the fact my life has turned upside down makes me feel so horribly sad. I feel like I'm grieving and trapped. I miss spending time with my husband. I miss sharing a bed with him. I miss everything I used to do that I can't do now. Is this normal? It surely can't be. I want to bond and care for him but I just feel nothing. I feel so bad.

This could be my daughter 8 years ago.
Couldn't bond.. Couldn't BF fully.. so put baby on full formula.
Husband then helped feed.
She got more rest but still
Felt depressed.
Overwhelmed ( she was already on Sertraline too). Couldn't stop crying..
She held the baby like it was an alien and wasn't hers.
When baby was 6 weeks old she picked it up one morning when it woke and a rush of love overwhelmed her.. . She held the baby and cried with a pouring of emotional love and it's been that way scince.
Please don't give up hope.. it's normal for loads of FTM
Sending love.

I felt the same way and posted something similar a few weeks ago. I would say the first 2-3 weeks were the hardest for me- I was also recovering from a CS and a FTM and struggling to adjust to the new challenges. Things have slowly gotten better. Mine is 6 weeks now - I can’t say there is a strong bond yet but I hope that will come with more interaction - the first smile etc. hang in there - I think these feelings are more common than I initially thought

It was normal for me. I don't know when I felt a bond with my son for the first time but it definitely wasn't in the first few months. I was just looking after this 'thing' and felt no real emotion towards him. After about 3 months, it got better because he was in more of a routine and I could more reliably do things that felt like 'me' again. It's not impacted our long term bond at all. When you're in that crazy newborn phase, I think it's just a matter of getting through it day by day (or hour by hour) and then one day you realise it's a tiny bit easier.

Please be kind to yourself - you are recovering from major surgery, you have had a long and difficult path to pregnancy & it's still so so early on. I had a similar experience to you and as soon as I stopped breastfeeding / pumping my hormones all settled down and I felt sooo much better if that's useful to know? I felt rubbish about formula feeding for ages but now I know it was the best thing to do for all of us and baby is so much happier and healthier now.
I promise you will feel better 💐

I could have written this myself 11months ago!! You are absolutely not alone, i felt the exact same. I was just so upset constantly, angry that me and my partner had just lost what we had before, i just wanted him back all to myself and our old life of going to bed with a brew watching rubbish tv and chatting away. I was devastated and cried to my mum so many times with ‘what have i done’ I honestly thought i would never bond with my little boy or love him like i thought i should! I missed getting in the car and going to sainsburys on my own, just ‘nipping’ in a shop, the life i knew was totally gone and i couldn’t process it. Fast forward 5/6 months and i felt completely different - and now i can’t believe i ever felt like that!!
The newborn stage is actual horrific, there is no ‘gorgeous newborn bubble’ people speak about - it’s shite of end. But he will grow up and start to smile at you, laugh when you blow raspberry’s, he will have a bedtime and you and your partner will have you time again, he will say mama and dada and all these feelings will melt away i can promise you that. Give it time and be kind to yourself soon you’ll look back with a different outlook!

@AmberM2022 thanks so much. When did you feel things started to change? Its only been 2 weeks but it feels like months. I just don't know how much more I can take!

Hi OP :)

Don’t be too hard on yourself, you’re still in the trenches and I bet you’re exhausted.

I also had a c section and major problems with feeding. Like you, I spent ages pumping because I felt guilty, even though it’s twice the work. My advice would be to just give up the pumping for your own wellbeing. Your baby will be fine on formula, as was mine. I was also formula fed and I have no health differences to my brother who was breast fed.

I also went on Sertraline for a bit. Could you ask your GP if upping your dose is an option? I’d also recommend speaking to your midwife or health visitor about how you feel x

@Laro2323 Aw lovely i know it’s absolutely awful - actually awful doesn’t even cut it to be honest does it 😅 to be totally honest i didn’t feel ‘happy’ truly 100% happy until he was 3/4 months old, and then i didn’t even enjoy him until he was 5 months +.
I do remember him being 3 weeks old and i genuinely thought i was going to run away, i got in the car at 1am and drove to my mums absolutely sobbing my heart out like i actually can’t do this please do something because i am never going to feel ok i was just so depressed and i think i cried non-stop until 6/7am i was exhausted. Them first few months are HARD, it’s like survival mode. My little boy had colic and reflux and a cows milk allergy so the crying was endless too and i just hated it.
Ifs hard to see the light and 3/4 months right now feel like years but i promise it’s not, it will fly by just get through these next few weeks and day by day you’ll feel different, you might not feel 100% and absolutely love your new life yet, but i think it’s just important to know that that’s okay, and it will come in time. Don’t worry about it, or force it it will happen. You just do now what you need to do, feed your baby formula if that is what will be better for you, your baby will be absolutely fine - my baby has been on dairy free formula which has no where near the benefits of what people would say breast milk had, but he’s bloody thriving he’s nearly walking and not even 1 yet!! You’ll do this!

It’s absolutely normal, because if it’s not, then there’s something wrong with me! It will get better, I promise. My son is only 7 weeks old and it’s getting better each week. I feel like this instant wave of love to your baby is absolute bullshit and doesn’t happen to many women. Feeling trapped, mourning your old life is normal too. I know, I was you few weeks ago. Hang in there x

I’m another who could have written your post. I felt so awful that I just didn’t know what to SAY to my baby. At 3 weeks I wanted to walk out and just keep walking. If someone had offered me a button that would make me cease to exist I would have pressed it without hesitation. I gave up breastfeeding at 4 weeks and although I felt like a failure for it, for me it was the best thing I could have done. I felt far more of a bond with a baby I could bottle feed. I could look into her eyes and talk to her while she fed, while breastfeeding left me feeling utterly irrelevant. It sounds silly, but something that helped me was telling her “I love you” every day. In the beginning I didn’t mean it, but it eased some of the guilt, and after a while it started to come true.

Yep, had this with DC1.

I was absolutely devastated that it wasn't just me and my husband anymore. I grieved hard. Thought I'd ruined my life. My son felt alien to me.

At 6 weeks the PND broke, and although some things lingered, it got much, much better.

If you want to sleep with your husband then do! Tell him it's important and get him some ear plugs!

Another one here to say I could have written your post. I'm so sorry you're struggling and hope it gets better for you soon. If it helps, my DD is now 2.5y and she is my absolute world. Those awful early weeks / months feel like a lifetime ago and we adore each other now! You would never know how it started for us.
Hang in there sending love.

I felt the exact same with my son. Severe PND/PTSD from a traumatic birth. For the first month or so I felt absolutely nothing - but then again, I think I felt completely numb in all aspects of life.

I distinctly remember holding him when he was 6 weeks old and he looked at me and smiled; and that love just came pouring in.

And it got stronger and stronger each day.

I promise you it will come, even if it takes a little longer - everyone expects birth to be like the movies where you feel that overwhelming love instantly, but that isn't the reality for many women!

He's 3 now and my heart could genuinely explode I love him so much! But if you told me that as a newborn I'd never have imagined it. Hang in there!

The newborn stage the first time round is completely brutal. I was a wreck on the verge of a nervous breakdown for the first 12 weeks of DS1’s life.

I think you need some counselling about why formula feeding is making you feel so bad. I know you’ve posted previously about it. If you can learn to ‘forgive’ yourself for formula feeding you can then pack in pumping which, in the newborn stage, I certainly found to be a time consuming nightmare.

DS2 (nearly 9 weeks) is an average to low crying baby id say. Days with him are tiring and unpredictable but pretty manageable. DS1 cried for hours and hours on end and I can safely say the difference in experience is night and day between the two (despite DS1 actually being the better sleeper as a newborn). So don’t downplay how much having an unsettled, colicky baby affects your experience. The vast majority of times newborns cry because that’s what they do. IT GETS BETTER AND RELATIVELY QUICKLY IN THE OVERALL SCHEME OF THINGS. But the usual caveat that if it’s regular and he’s inconsolable and especially if you notice any other symptoms you should see the GP.

And of course it’s normal to grieve for your old life. Imagine any other situation suddenly pulling you out of your routine of work, socialising, exercise, hobbies…then forcing you to undergo major surgery…then subjecting you to severe sleep deprivation…then forcing you to spend 24/7 with an entirely new human…with huge hormonal shifts to boot. Would we really tell people to #enjoyeverymoment then? Of course we wouldn’t. It’s a process and there is not set time for how long accepting, then enjoying your new life will take.

I don’t feel there is much point telling you it will get better at 3 months or 6 months because that will feel like an eternity away now and it might not be true for you. So instead just keep ticking off the minutes and the hours, carry on the sertraline (? Does your dose need to go up), grab any offers of help you get and try to make peace with formula feeding. Good luck.

I bonded with my baby fine but still felt all the feelings you expressed. The first year was hard. Newborns are boring and have a lot of needs. Everyone talks about loving the baby phase. I'll be honest I couldn't wait for her to become a toddler. Now we can actually do stuff together and even though she still interrupts our sleep it's not nearly as often and my husband and I can have private time again.

I love that my husband and I have personal time together and I love taking my little to the park and teaching her to climb and swing. It's really fun! I love this age. I like her independence.

That's just how it is for me personally.

Totally normal.

My first after a 5 year battle with infertility with multiple interventions and 2 miscarriages. Then I had a traumatic birth.

When DC was about 3.5 weeks, I remember looking at them and thinking, ‘If anyone ever tries to hurt you, I’ll kill them with my bear hands.’ Love came later.

Your world has been turned upside down, and this bit is rubbish, but it does get better.

I bet you’re doing great. Take care of yourself.

Oh I so feel for you! I felt exactly the same when I had my DS. I remember feeling so angry when people said "soak up every moment"- every moment of what?? Being screamed at?? Leaking from every orifice?? Surviving on sleep in 1 hour chunks??

I felt entirely alienated by the stuff I saw online about the newborn bubble (I recently spoke to an ex-midwife actually who said the newborn bubble is essentially bullshit, for most people it is incredibly hard and difficult, especially with a first, but no one feels they can actually be honest about it). I feel so sad for myself looking back at that period- I also was pumping and struggled with breastfeeding and omg the guilt I felt! I also struggled to feel OK with having time to myself - I'd secure an hour when DH would have the baby but then I'd just spend it pumping and sterilising, whilst feeling guilty the whole time.

But- IT GETS BETTER! I promise! DS is now 1 and oh it's night and day the difference. Yes there are still hard times- he had a sickness bug last weekend which was no fun for anyone, and he's crap at napping at nursery so most evenings are spent trying to navigate overtired meltdowns- BUT these are in the wider context of seeing him grow and learn new things which somehow makes it feel so much better. He's also at nursery now and I am back at work, which has made me feel far more human. It feels like a long way off, but I would say it got better from about 12 weeks and better again when I stopped pumping at 16-ish weeks. A true turning point for me was when he started to crawl at about 9 months. Now he can bomb about and choose what to play with, which makes a huge difference! He can also tired himself out more so his sleep has (touch wood) improved. We got our evenings back at about 20 weeks or so which helped (he's been a crap sleeper most of his first year though!).

It will pass, you will feel better - sooner than you think.

Good post, @VivaVivaa. OP, at three weeks I was googling ‘adoption services’, thinking I had made a life-ruining error. But the great thing is that you don’t have to do anything — you don’t need to make an effort to bond, change your mindset etc. It happens by itself. Don’t panic. What you’re feeling is normal. How strange would it be if we didn’t resent and mourn the confiscation of our old freedoms by a tiny baby who’s not yet done anything to make us love him/her and who behaves disruptively and mysteriously?

Get what support you can to help you through the ‘now’. It’s all better from here. And you need to forgive yourself for not breastfeeding. I wasn’t able to either ( I’m one of those mysterious cases where I had virtually no supply, ever) and I made the first three months of DS’s life much harder than they already were by keeping trying, pumping, using a supplemental nursing system that made feeding cumbersome and difficult. I mourned for years. Now it seems irrelevant (he’s a gorgeous 11 year old) and I wish I’d stopped trying sooner and made things easier.

You're all so wonderful - it blows me away that complete strangers take time out to write such supportive, lovely comments. I am hugely grateful. You're right, I need to make some peace with the BF and be a more present mum. I'm sick of pumping and getting next to nothing - it's soul destroying and then wasted time that I've not been able to spend with my son trying to bond. Thank you all so much ❤️

I just wanted to drop this link here for OP and/or anyone else on this thread who mentioned BF struggles. This book helped me come to terms with the emotional side of it (I read it when my DD was about 1YO but wish I had found it sooner).
You're not alone ❤️ www.amazon.co.uk/Breastfeeding-Trauma-Matter-Pinter-Matters/dp/1780666152

I felt like this for nearly 6 months. You're not alone. Yes it gets better, I promise