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Original poster

How to deal with separation from toddler for operation

9 replies

ChristopherTalken · 13/09/2023 11:16

I am due to have major surgery soon that will see me in hospital for 5-7 days min.

The most I have ever spent away from DD3 was one night when we were also staying at my mums, so she just went along with it fine.

She has ASD and her understanding isn't where it should be. She is ok if I am not at home but as soon as she gets upset she walks around the house calling for me.

I know this will be a great chance for DH and DD to spend together and my mum and sister will also be coming to stay to give her attention/distract her etc but I am wondering, is there anything worth doing to prepare? She doesn't understand concepts (she has ASD). If i videocalled her, would it upset her? Would she understand? I dont think she will be allowed to visit and again I would worry she would kick off and not understand why i cant leave with her and DH. She is REALLY into us doing everything as a three at the moment.

I did think about getting some small treats for her to open every day as a gift from mummy until I am back? Or a countdown chart?

Any advice appreciated.

OP posts:
Fiddlesticks25 · 13/09/2023 12:00

Can you print out a photo of you and her together that she can look at if she's feeling sad?

givemushypeasachance · 13/09/2023 12:06

The trouble with a countdown chart or explaining it as "mummy will be back in 5 sleeps" is the uncertainty there of you not knowing when you're going to be discharged. You very much don't want it to be counting down to a discharge on Thursday and then they actually keep you in over the weekend.

Does she have video calls with other family members and accept that as a concept, you see and talk to them but they're not there?

It's maybe worth exploring "social stories" as a concept, and roleplaying it through with toys or with her pretending to be a doctor or a patient, reading basic books about someone having an operation and so on. So she understands why you're going to be away for a while, so doctors can make you better, and you'll be staying at the hospital for a few days then you'll come back home.

She probably still will get upset at some point and default cry to want mummy, but then after she's comforted and calmed down by someone else they can remind her that you're at the hospital where doctors are making you feel better, like so-and-so in the book, and does she want to play doctors again and do an operation on teddy, etc.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 13/09/2023 12:08

Maybe get your rellies to video call you when she’s pootling around doing her thing. She might respond to your voice or maybe not. I wouldn’t stress about it but you will be able to see her.

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Jellybott · 13/09/2023 15:55

Instead of video calling, try recording videos that she can watch back if she's missing you

Original poster
ChristopherTalken · 13/09/2023 15:56

Jellybott · 13/09/2023 15:55

Instead of video calling, try recording videos that she can watch back if she's missing you

Thats a great idea, she loves watching videos I have taken on my phone!

OP posts:
Original poster
ChristopherTalken · 13/09/2023 15:57

givemushypeasachance · 13/09/2023 12:06

The trouble with a countdown chart or explaining it as "mummy will be back in 5 sleeps" is the uncertainty there of you not knowing when you're going to be discharged. You very much don't want it to be counting down to a discharge on Thursday and then they actually keep you in over the weekend.

Does she have video calls with other family members and accept that as a concept, you see and talk to them but they're not there?

It's maybe worth exploring "social stories" as a concept, and roleplaying it through with toys or with her pretending to be a doctor or a patient, reading basic books about someone having an operation and so on. So she understands why you're going to be away for a while, so doctors can make you better, and you'll be staying at the hospital for a few days then you'll come back home.

She probably still will get upset at some point and default cry to want mummy, but then after she's comforted and calmed down by someone else they can remind her that you're at the hospital where doctors are making you feel better, like so-and-so in the book, and does she want to play doctors again and do an operation on teddy, etc.

Good idea, I actually just brought a book about going to hospital aimed at toddlers and might try some basic role play with her.

OP posts:
HamBone · 13/09/2023 15:58

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. Just to reassure you, my Mum had a major operation when I was three and I didn’t see her for several weeks ( this was pre-cell phones of course). Apparently, I was abit grumpy for a couple of days when she came home, but soon forgot about it and we were always close.

So try not to worry too much, it’ll be fine long term. 💐

CrispAppleStrudels · 13/09/2023 16:03

I hope this isnt an inappropriate suggestion but could you also buy her a new teddy or soft toy, but you sleep with it in your bed for a few weeks before your operation? I think it will then smell of you and your DD will be able to cuddle it at night (if she has teddies). I was separated from my DD at birth as she was in NICU and we did this with cloths that were put into the cots. I cant see why the same principle wouldn't apply to a toddler?

Wishing you all the best for your operation and a speedy discharge! Flowers

olderthanyouthink · 13/09/2023 16:05

A social story about it to go over before, during and after?

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