Could my five-year-old have SEN?

[IsleOfPenguinBollards]

Name changed for this. DD is in Year 1 and behaves fairly well at school, but is very defiant at home. When she doesn’t get her own way, she won’t accept it and gets very angry. She then tries to negotiate/bargain/threaten/use emotional blackmail to change our minds. She also hits and kicks us. If given a punishment, (e.g. having a toy confiscated for a while or loss of TV time) she will go through all of the above trying to lessen or get out of said punishment. It’s exhausting.

Here are some of her other traits, which may or may not be relevant:

Is outgoing and quick to befriend new children she meets, but at school, clings to one close friend.

Is very controlling and bossy, which can upset her playmates. When playing pretend games, she wants to tell the others what to do, where to stand, what to say and how to say it. She also tries to boss her family around.

Is quite good at sharing and taking turns.

Can often be kind and empathetic.

Is very attention-seeking and silly. She will try to get attention from whomever happens to be nearby.

Was an early talker and is doing better than average academically.

Is rarely, if ever, quiet. She’s always talking, shouting, burbling or making a droning noise.

Can concentrate well on tasks she enjoys.

Fidgets a lot, especially at mealtimes.

She sounds like a 5 year old from what you’ve written. What do you find particularly abnormal?

The disobedience and the constant noise, I suppose. But if that’s normal for a five-year-old, I’ll stop worrying.

Yes, it's normal enough. 5 year olds can be bloody annoying!

OP your list is written weirdly. I’m thinking of my 4yo and your descriptions don’t ring true. She’s 5! Who won’t you describe her normally? (Ps I have 3 kids under 5)

What’s weird about it? The bullet points were just to be more concise - it would have been a very long post otherwise.

Someone suggested to my DM that DD might have ADHD, due to her constant chatter/droning noise.

I found 5/6 a really annoying age with all my children 😂 there's nothing that jumps out at me from your post to suggest she has SEN but it is hard to tell from a written list and you know her best!
What would you want from a diagnosis? If there are challenges then you can work to find strategies for her without a diagnosis. Paediatricians generally won't look at ADHD at this age. Speak to the school about how she is getting on with friendships. Perhaps your local children centre offers parenting courses? To give you some ideas how to help her.

The only thing that sounds a bit 'off' is controlling others play. Its not unusual to be a bit controlling, but it us slighlty more common with a certain sen.

Next time you are at the school gate I'd ask if there are any opportunities in school to support social skills. Lots of schools do little lunch clubs or even whole class sessions.

The disobedience sounds very 5 year old. But hitting and kicking isnt ok. Id think a bit about how you support positive behaviour. Its easy to get in a bit of a rut where you both end up in a power struggle.

It’s a very standard stage in play development. Particularly in girls. Endless assigning parts and structure of the “game” and very little “playing it out” it’s how we learn group dynamics and politics and negotiation. It’s also dreadful to listen to.9

I’m relieved to hear this is mainly normal for a five-year-old. We do tend to get locked in a power struggle - she is so controlling and stubborn. The other day she said, “I get to make the rules”. Umm no you don’t, love, you’re five! 😆

Have you tried having less rules? My children all have 'needs' (2 x ASD and one on the waiting list). What worked for me was giving acceptable options. E.g. snack time 'banana or biscuit'? The child is still in control, but the choices are both acceptable to the adult.

She may not be able to understand why action x leads to loss of TV time, when action x had nothing to do with the TV. Can you use more of a 'natural consequences' approach? Something logical that directly relates to what she did.

You could also do an observational ABC (antecedent - what was happening before she did x?; behaviour - what did she do?; consequence - what happened afterwards?) chart to identify patterns. It might be that she's seeking your attention, or that she's overwhelmed by being in a group, or that she's overstimulated by bouncing on a trampoline, etc.

All behaviour is communication. Regardless of whether she has additional needs or not, there is something you're noticing.

Yep sounds normal!! It's bloody hard!!

I already give DD choices when possible, but will think about how I can make consequences more natural and try an ABC.

No one will be surprised to hear that although DD isn’t great at getting ready for school, she tends to be cheerful in the mornings and her behaviour is much worse after school.