Issues getting 8yo to complete extra work at home

[Reluctantadult]

I'm really struggling with getting my daughter to complete extra work out of school. She's nearly 9 and has just started yr4.

She is likely dyslexic, and has issues with poor eye tracking and reflexes that we are working with a behavioural optometrist on. We are currently doing exercises from the optometrist every day, which she's getting on well with.

The dyslexia assessor has recommended using the nessy spelling programme to do 3 times a week, which she hates and refuses. It's designed like a game so shouldn't be a hardship, but is. She also will not hear any talk of being dyslexic.

Then there are the tricky word mnemonics that we try to learn one at a time. She's more up for this currently.

Spellings from school to 'learn'. Last year there were 10 a week. Not many of them will stick bit I don't think it's fair not to try if she's going to be in the test. They haven't started up yet thankfully.

Reading, school ask x4 a week. It took 1hr to get her to do that tonight.

Maths, there will be a maths homework sheet every week, luckily not started up yet. And a maths app to use, probably times table rock stars. Maths is actually the only thing school have flagged that she's 'behind' on, however I don't agree.

This is why she's not having interventions at school and we are having to try to do at home. School put her reading age 1.5yrs under, but they say not bad enough for interventions, spelling is worse but same not bad enough for interventions. I am sure high comprehension is masking mechanical issues. Nessy assessment put her reading as yr2 and spelling yr1. School also say interventions will knock her confidence, which I do agree with.

All this extra work at home would be a lot with a willing child, but she's not. I'm ended up falling back on threats, I won't take you to gymnastics, you won't get any TV. Which I don't like. But bribery is ineffective. She's always been difficult to get to do anything! The thing is I know that give it a year or three, I will have even less ability! I want to help her while I can. But not ruin our relationship.

Would welcome any thoughts.

Personally I think it's all too much. Hours at school during the day then hours more at home in the evening.

Dyslexia is more than just spelling. Every piece of text is really hard work. She likely finds plotting time difficult and minutes feel like hours. She will be exhausted at the end of her school day.

I don't think any of us would like to come home and be expected to do even more work.

I also don't think threats lead to healthy relationships. I would prioritise your relationship over homework.

Why do we put children under so much pressure?

I recognise mine is not a popular view but all of my kids have ADHD, one has autism and the non autistic ones all have dyslexia and dyspraxia. Three of them completed degrees. Two of them were unable to finish a children's book until in their teens.

Stop with the intervention, its far too much. Keep it for during the school holidays so she doesn't slip but don't do it on a school day, the school day is already exhausting for her as it is. And definitely don't stop the out of school activities that she benefits from and can be good at after 'failing' all day at school, it is essential for her self esteem and confidence that she has an area to thrive at.

Set a time limit on homework, she does as much as she can for 20 mins explain to the teacher that is what you have done and why , if she doesn't finish the book then you read to her, listening to books is almost as beneficial as reading yourself. Invest in a reading pen so that she can have some independence when reading to herself.

I completely see what you're saying. But would struggle to let it all go. Which says more about me than Dd.

20 minutes would be great, I would be very happy with that. I am not making her sit down and do anything like 20 mins right now. It takes me an hour to get her to do 10 mins reading. I'm sick of myself with all the badgering.

But perhaps I will suggest we do 20 minutes and agree a time of day with her. Perhaps if she knows there's a cap on the time, she'll be more willing to just get it done.

You are at real risk of turning her against Reading permanently and all the well meaning interventions won't work.

I would shake it up, it's almost winter so every night make her a hot drink, a couple of biscuits and settle down for uninterrupted time and read to her whilst she has her drink and biscuits, when she has finished she reads whilst you have your drink, no pressure, minimal correcting just make it an enjoyable experience. Then you can take longer and make her read for longer.

The other things you need to stagger, mnemonics in the car or when walking and see if she can create her own too, you need to make it fun not a structured chore.

Spellings instead of learning 10, focus on two and build it up.

DD is autistic, academically very gifted but will not (knowingly) complete school work at home, I've become a master at camouflaging her homework into our day to day activities, and often we meet in the middle and compromise. This year she's year 9 she will do the homework for the subjects she wants to take as options but no more, I messaged her teachers /Sendco and explained, I can live with this because I know every school day is exhausting for her to add more entirely unnecessary stress to that is pointless.

It’s too much work in one day for a child with dyslexia. The thing about dyslexia is that it makes decoding and encoding symbols- letters and numbers extremely mentally fatiguing. A dyslexic cannot physically do as much reading, writing or maths as a nondyslexic because of the extra mental processing burden.

You push too hard on them and have them do more hours of work and they reach a point of mental exhaustion and brain fog. It all shuts down and they cannot even decode or encode to read/write/do maths. Children will usually refuse when they reach their limit.

Many older children that push themselves harder than they should - think secondary school on up to Uni due to academic pressures will get migraines and severe headaches from working too much in one day. They then learn fatigue management and how to pace themselves the hard way. One student I worked with from age 10, for example, has started her dissertation three months early because there would be no other way for her to read the fifty sources and write 10,000 words in only three months. She doesn’t get extra time from the Uni for her disability, so she had to make it by getting her advisor before summer and working independently all summer on it.

Hard as it sounds, she needs the work and time in school to be work done with accommodations and then she needs rest at home. Instead of try harder to do the spelling list - a dyslexic should actually be asked to learn 75% of the list, not all of it. For these accommodations to happen you need to either let her fail enough for the school to refer her for assessment- and please note the school screening is known to have a high rate of false negatives. Or you need to get her privately assessed and then work with the SENCO to implement these accommodation and extra help so that she’s not doing a full day of tiring work with little results and then working more at home- which is not likely to help due to the fatigue causing nature of dyslexia.

In the hour it took to get 10 minutes done what happened? Where were you in the house? What time was it - straight after school, later in the evening? Had she eaten anything? Did you sit with her or was she doing it alone? What she distracted and faffing with a screen/pet? Was she emotional angry/ frustrated? Were you?

I'm not judging its hard but there might be other techniques to try.

If you want a feeling of how text looks to a dyslexic go to this website and see how long and how mentally draining it is for you to read the first page
https://geon.github.io/programming/2016/03/03/dsxyliea

I'd focus on what your priority is. If it's Nessy, do that - and dump the spelling list, maths worksheet etc.
Reading - just do it a couple of times at the weekend. Too stressful on a school day.
Have her read with you and do a line/page each rather than expecting her to do the whole thing.

I try really hard to make it fun. I make little games. I'm all over the Instagram suggestions. She rumbles it and won't engage a lot of the time. And it's exhausting me.

Spellings I need school to back me in not asking for a whopping and impossible list. Last year I said we wouldn't be doing them all, they agreed, but still wanted her to sit and do the test, which didn't seem fair. Setting her up to fail.

My partners dyslexic and can’t spell at all. He’s also a managing director. And so was his dad. His dad coped by having a secretary. DP copes by having grammarly. It’s not for a lack of trying. They literally can’t see it. I have had the most basic of birthday card messages spelt wrong 🤣

You sound like a great mum whose trying really hard to help her daughter.
But right now I'd step back, look into what interventions will be available when she's older to reassure yourself it's not the end of the world.

Primary and Secondary have to teach how to read, they have no choice whereas in the real world people can use reading pens, apps on their phones, spell check, dictation software on electronic devices , grammarly to check grammar, goblin tools to check tone, readers, scribes and note takers in exams/classes. There are architecture firms that actively recruit dyslexics because of the way their brain works and see in 3D instead of 2D.

My child is now in year 5. In lockdown he refused home schooling, and afterwards refused homework. He's a gamer but hates learning apps. We tried but it had such a negative affect (total meltdown) on our home life that we refused in the end.

We told the school that we would no longer do the work at home, and asked them to make provision for him to do it at school. He did TT Rock Stars at homework club in his lunchtime, without too much complaint.

We did do reading at home and found that he would read if we shared the load (I read a page, then you read a page). He is a good reader though and will read in bed at night on his own too.

He's a bright boy, no educational needs, but he hates homework. Now we have moved to year 5, we are trying again. The homework is different (no more TT Rock Stars) and he's a bit more mature too. So far so good, but we are only a few weeks in ...

Thanks for the reality dose. It's why I posted! Poor kid. I need a glass of wine...

It's too much.

She has teaching issues with her eyes. Everyday school will be too much for her focus and tiring than any other child.

Extra is too much when normal amount is too much iyswim?

My ds has a spelling age of 7 and reading age of 12. He's 19 with 10 GCSEs grade 4-9, a t level (merit so equivalent to 3 a levels at B) and a HNC. British level in his sport.

Being able to read and write well has its advantages but it doesn't disadvantages all the time and she's so young and has plenty of time to catch up.

I'd just focus on the eye tracking exercises.

Funny you posted after me! DP and his dad are both managing directors of architectural practices 🤣

Perhaps you need to buy her some modelling clay and/or sims

School text books and page layouts make reading so hard for dyslexics. They work far harder during the day and come home exhausted and needing a rest. The school should be understanding of this so I would definitely talk to the SENCo about accomodations.

Have a look at Oaka Books - they are curriculum based topic packs designed for dyslexics and with very little writing required but lots of learning. Good Luck!