ASD and school suspension

[Sarahatherwitsend]

My DS (12) is autistic and struggles a bit socially at school. He uses really inappropriate sexual language and laughs it off as just a joke when the people around him are rightfully offended. He has friends but often offends them or does things which make him a difficult friend.
He finds it particularly difficult in unstructured lessons like drama and music.
Last week he was in drama and was mucking about with his best mate. He kicked him in the bottom and it was reported as inappropriate touching. As a result he has been suspended for 3 days.
I have talked to him and at first he said he couldn't remember doing it, then he said they were just mucking about. I have no idea what exactly did happen but this is not the first time he has touched someone else's bottom as a joke. Last time he was put in isolation for a day. The school are aware he has issues in these lessons and have made no adjustments. Is it right to suspend him if he doesn't realise what he is doing is wrong? He has learned nothing from the suspension other than ' school hates me' and 'my best mate is a snitch' (I am assuming the child he kicked was asked to give a statement).
Does anyone have advice on what we can do to help him stay in school? The local authority are really stretched and we have been waiting for counselling for 2 years. It took 3 years before that to get a diagnosis. If I apply for ehcp, I've been told he might get it in year 11

Have you talked to the senco and asked what they can put in place to support him, especially in unstructured lessons?

They said they would provide a writing board to give him a table. They have been back 3 weeks, nothing yet. I have bought ear plugs for him as the noise is unbearable.

Not really meant to give SEND kids external exclusion

This is so difficult for you. The teacher should be doing social stories with your child around appropriate/inappropriate touches. Especially as it has happened before. It would help for you to do it at home too. As they are aware that he finds these less structured lessons more difficult, they should be finding or trying out potential solutions to help him at these times. Suspending him is not the solution imo.
I'm a teacher in an asd class myself.

There ate two things here.

1. He gets into bother in more unstructured lessons. You should ask what support could help in these lessons. It could be that he works with a good role model chosen by the teacher. He could work in sight of the teacher. It may be that school could have another adult in the lesson but this may well not be possible.

1. He touches people inappropriately. You say he has been in trouble before for this. Therefore he does know this isn't OK but either forgets or doesn't follow these rules. I would ask someone at school to sit down and go through some pastoral work on when he can and can't have physical contact. If he really struggles then maybe this is something that you need to go over with him every single day. This is an important rule for him as it could lead to serious issues later on.

What writing board? If you mean a writing slope an a4 ring binder folder is better as it is easier to carry around. You can get one that fits in his bag.

I agree @cansu. We have discussed help in unstructured lessons but they haven't put anything in place yet.

The inappropriate touching doesn't seen sexually motivated. When I was a kid it would have been dismissed as boys being boys but I understand that society has moved on from there. The first time he hut a friend on the backside with a ruler and more recently he kicked a friend on the bottom to get his attention. I'm by no means justifying it, I just think a 3 day suspension for inappropriate touching is excessive with no counselling or coaching being offered for him or us

Ring the school and ask to speak to the DSL (safeguarding lead).

If you explain that you have safeguarding concerns for your son AND the children he's around, you may get some action.

At my school (like many others) we have had to go to a blanket no physical contact policy to avoid these situations occurring.

Also, music and drama should not be unstructured! Ask some questions about that.

Tbh three days does sound heavy even without asd. However I think this is because schools now have to take anything like this very seriously. The other student may well have reported the event differently to your ds's version too. In any case I would focus on what can be put in place to prevent a reoccurrence. Ask to meet with sendco and / or pastoral team member to make a plan.

At some point he will have to learn that even if he doesn’t understand a rule and even if he thinks it’s stupid, it has to be followed anyway. Otherwise there will be a negative consequence for him. He would still have to learn that in a school that was more appropriately equipped for his needs.

It is right that the children who had to put up with your son’s behaviour have not been made to feel like they should put up with it.

@cansu Is right. The school should be offering more structure to your ds during lessons, but equally you and the school need to explain and reinforce that touching class mates bottoms is not ok.

He needs to understand that it is never a joke, or he may find himself in worse trouble later, which would be unfair on him.

Also that his mate is not a snitch, that his mate did not find the incident funny, and was right to report it. That way, your ds will know to report it, if someone touches him inappropriately.

Unstructured means that they are not sat in rows facing the front. Many kids with send or those with poor behaviour fool around more when in a less formal situation.

I had a student who had behaved like yours in year 7 and his inappropriate behaviour got worse until Yr 11 when he (verbally) threatened to rape me he still didn't see it as an issue as "its just bantz, Miss" It was just as well it was me and not a fellow student or a work colleague when he was older.

Id also keep a good eye on his online messages as I've known students similar to your son who were inappropriately messaging younger girls ie year 7 /8 when they were year 10/11 and they got badly beaten up on the way home. I expect they didn't mean anything by it/found the girls less intimidating than their own year group.

Whether he means it or not the behaviour needs stopping and if school cant/won't you'll have to instead. Class teachers at secondary won't be doing social stories, that's a TA / sendco job if there is anyone available, or you do it at home.

As for counselling you'll want a ASD specialist which I doubt you'll get through CAMHS/NHS.

I would also suggest OP that regardless of what school puts in place for his return that you also get onto this yourself. Even a quick google suggests there are plenty of online resources to help teach kids with ASD about inappropriate touching. I would do some research and spend some of the time he is excluded talking this through.

I feel I may have to pay for the help. I absolutely agree with everyone who says he's got to learn but I am really struggling to get him to see this from another person's perspective. Unfortunately that is one of the most challenging aspects of his condition.

Do the school have a pastoral team? They should be able to help. Social stories can be useful as can rules. Sometimes people with asd will not see it as NT people do. However they can learn that this is how it is here. This is the rule. If I break this rule, this is what will happen. It may be that the rule has to be quite rigid for now. While you can understand he disagrees with the rule, that doesn't mean he can disregard it. This will take a lot of work and time.

School were very harsh for a 3 days exclusion over this.

I'd ask for a meeting with the senco and then appeal the exclusion to get it off his record.

Find out what the school are going to do to support him. Does he have an individual education plan in place? If not I'd be insisting on one. Then see what support they can put in place. He would benefit from social skills support, social stores and 1:1 structured sessions around personal space/ boundaries etc.