Potential safeguarding issue?

[Mummyyyyy]

Hello everyone,

Would appreciate your thoughts, will try and keep this brief:

I have a 7 year old daughter, have been separated from her dad since she was born. She sees him every other weekend, and for extended periods of time (up to 1 week) during the holidays. Whilst she is there, she often spends time with her older male 'cousin' (they aren't actually related, but the mum is very close to their family). He is almost 9, but big for his age and quite mature.

They used to share a bed, which I felt was inappropriate for their age, so her dad has now ensured they sleep separately whenever he stays over at their house (which is very often). But I am still a bit uneasy about their closeness.

The main issue is this:

Her dad picked her up for 5 days during the summer, and unbeknownst to me she spent the entire time at his brother's! He came to his brother's house for a bit during the day, but she didn't sleep at her dad's house at all, which I feel is wrong. One of the days he was even in another city to watch a football match. Again, I wasn't aware of this at all. He doesn't tell me what happens when she stays there. When my daughter returned home, she told me that she bathed with said cousin, and another younger male cousin, all at the same time. I freaked out and texted dad, who explained that his brother 'didn't know' not to do that, and that it won't happen again. We're not on the best terms so it isn't something I am going to probe further unless my daughter says something else happened.

I'm not sure whether to flag this with social services, or whether to let it go? Again, given past issues with their sleeping arrangements etc I am still uneasy about this whole thing.

Any thoughts please?

Thanks

If you’re unsure about safe guarding issues then the NSPCC are good people to call for advice.

I'm not a professional, but it's understandable that you're concerned about your daughter's well-being. It might be a good idea to have an open and honest conversation with her to better understand her experiences and feelings during her visits with her father and extended family. If anything seems inappropriate or makes you uncomfortable, it's crucial to address it calmly and directly with her father and express your concerns. If you believe that your daughter might be at risk or that her safety and well-being are compromised, you should consider discussing the situation with a legal professional or a counselor who can provide guidance on how to ensure your daughter's best interests are protected. Whether or not you involve social services should be based on the specific circumstances and your assessment of your daughter's safety and emotional health.

Youre right to be concerned about safeguarding for your daughter. Contacting the NSPCC is good advice, as is having a talk with your daughter about private areas of the body and not doing anything that makes her uncomfortable.

Her father appears to have been neglectful of her safety by not laying down rules for bathing and sleeping arrangements in his absence. While a parent can be absent for part of contact time, being absent for a whole week seems to cross a line.

Your duty is to ensure your daughter is safe and it may be, in the light of two safeguarding instances, that you need to agree with your ExH the minimum arrangements to protect her. He so has a responsibility here, so you should expect him to work with you on this.

Thanks everyone, I will probably contact NSPCC as suggested. I have had numerous discussions with my daughter about physical boundaries, private areas, good vs bad secrets etc. We were having another one of those discussions which is thankfully why she raised this bathing incident

Thanks again

I'm not sure whether to flag this with social services, or whether to let it go?

What would you be flagging it for?

you decide if your daughter is safe enough when she stays with her dad. If you don't think she is, you don't send her. Social services have nothing to do with your decision. They wouldn't tell you what to do. You really don't need advice from a professional to decide whether you're happy with the contact arrangements or not. If your ex is unreasonable and a poor communicator you're going to have to decide if you trust him to make safe decisions or not. There is no suggestion she has actually been harmed so far is there, but you are reasonable to be concerned about the lack of boundaries you've described. The question for you is whether you think he understands how to be protective and whether he will communicate any significant changes to contact with you.