How to get 3.5 to behave??

[SleepingStandingUp]

Aagghhh they're driving me potty. Just stuff like throwing toys about, emptying pencil cases on the floor, tipping cards on the floor and then refusing to help tidy up and I don't really know what's a suitable punishment because their brother was never like this. And climbing on stuff like the tables and chairs. Even what I tell them no and make them get down, obviously.

What kind of thing works at this age cos I'm clearly screwing it up and I don't want to raise brats.

DS, 8, has his moments but if I start to count to 5 he MOVES! The 3.5s? Join in counting

Ghm.

You shouldn’t be using punishment, you should be using discipline. There is a huge difference - punishment is about power and control, discipline is about learning and teaching.

Tell him what to do, rather than telling him what not to do eg. Instead of “don’t stand on the chair”, say “chairs are for sitting on”. It reframes it and makes it more positive so they’re less likely to resist.

When giving an instruction, don’t try and give it from several feet or another room away while you’re doing something else. Get down to his level, look in his eyes and give it. Get his attention.

Offer age appropriate choices wherever you can, because giving him control over things that don’t matter (eg. Red cup vs blue cup, trainers or boots etc) means he is less likely to fight you on things that do (having to get in the pram/car seat etc).

Remain calm, don’t give big reactions. If you’re just saying to him “no!” All the time
it loses any meaning and he knows he doesn’t have to listen.

I doubt you’re screwing anything up; you’ve described my nearly 3 year old to a point.

Yesterday he threw everything that was on the dining room table onto the floor; I mean, why? What was the point? I just have to assume it is his age!

Agree totally with PP.

Another way to reframe, instead of ' if you don't tidy the pencils up we won't go to the park' make it positive

'when you tidy the pencils up, we can go to the park' (or whatever consequence/reward would work)

How to talk so little kids will listen is a great book.
Also, I would be looking at how he can satisfy his play needs in other, less destructive ways - for example he likes throwing things, give him a basket of balls, beanbags etc that are safe to throw and redirect his attention to those when he starts to throw toys. If he likes to empty things can you give him a big tub of coloured rice or chickpeas and containers that he can scoop, fill and empty.
Also, I would pick your battles with regards to climbing, children need to engage in as much physical play as possible, they need to challenge themselves and learn to take risks. Think about why you don't want him to climb on the table

• is it because it could get dirty, if so I would explain that "that looks like fun but we can't have dirty feet on the table where we eat our food, can you think of somewhere else to climb instead"

- is it because you don't want him to fall, in which case teach him how to climb safely and assess risks for himself.

• is it because the table could get damaged, again explain this and offer an alternative or get him to think of somewhere else - children are far more likely to listen and "obey" if you talk about things positively and involve them in making decisions rather than just saying "stop climbing on the table".