Toddler completely out of control

[Stripeytrousersandtop]

My toddler is a law onto himself at the moment and I don’t really know how to deal with him.

A major problem is the car seat. No matter how tight the straps are he can get his arms out and then he lies horizontally across the back seat, it terrifies me and is also unsafe for the baby (newborn) who is in the other car seat. Telling him not to do something doesn’t work, he generally doesn’t even respond. I often feel really helpless in situations when we’re out and about as he does what he wants and I can’t do anything about it. Not sure if I just have to wait it out or not.

@Stripeytrousersandtop
Just to say.. your sons behaviour sounds like my friends 6 year old boy's has been! He's now on the path to an autism & adhd diagnosis.. he's an extremely intelligent lad but his behaviour so out of control its like nothing I've seen, and my friend has tried everything, she also struggles to keep him safe in the car. So I really send you my sympathy but as she is out of ideas now re the car, I can't help sorry.

This is one of those moments where being stern isn't enough. You need to actually frighten him. (I know that sounds terrible, but you know what I mean)
You sound like one of those parents who are permanently asking their little darlings to please not to that, or please not do this instead of demanding their attention.
I have two boys who would neither have even attempted this because they wouldn't have dared. Stop being so passive in parenting your child. It could end very badly. You're their parent, so parent.

So how would actually frightening him look though @Swifey40 ? I do take on what you’re saying but if they aren’t frightened of anything you can do then how to frighten them is what I’m asking.

He’s OK at nursery, no complaints. He isn’t like this all of the time with me. I’m just conscious if I want him to do something I can’t always make him.

We got an extra strap online called Escape me not.

It stops them being able to wriggle their arms out.

People say they wouldn't use them as they aren't recommended however I thought it was safer than my son getting his arms out or me turning around all the time to check him. It's essentially just a clip as well so easily removed.

We loved our Cybex with the shield. It really really helped with our escapees. It looks comfy as well and mine have all loved having the wee pillow to lean on

I know cosatto do an anti-escape harness but don't know any details.

I don't think adding stuff to the seat you have is going to help, it deters some children, but I think this is a rare case of an exceptionally determined child and I would look at the impact shield type seats like the Cybex Pallas. They are much less easy to escape, not totally impossible, but not easy. There are two types of them, one uses the seatbelt to hold the shield in place, which CAN be escaped by a very determined child if they realise that they can put gentle pressure on the shield to slowly loosen the seatbelt and then they wriggle out when it is loose enough, or there are newer kinds (the Pallas G or the Anoris T) which use a little ratchet strap on the shield itself to click in and tighten. Those are harder for the child to undo, but the seats are more expensive.

People will come and say that they aren't safe but firstly they are no worse overall than a normal 5 point harness forward facing seat, and secondly ANY car seat used properly is safer than one where he's only half in and hanging out.

You could also make a phone call or send an email to the in car safety centre, as they specialise in children with unusual situations, health needs, challenging behaviour etc and should be able to offer you advice. They sell the shield type seats plus any number of ingenious contraptions!

For the general stuff I'd ask your HV about behavioural/developmental assessment referral - he sounds hyperactive.

Have you got reins for him when you’re out and about? Just to keep him safe and ensure you have some control. With the car seat, have you tried bribery (chocolate button if you sit nicely for whole trip…bet you can’t do it and mummy will get the delicious chocolate, etc)

I had a wild toddler who was asked to leave Little Kickers because I couldn’t control him 😳. He is now a well-behaved 10 year old, so don’t give up hope.

Mine went through this phase. Not ideal solutions I know, but I used to pull over and tell mine that if the police saw that her arms were out mummy could get taken away by the police. Weirdly worked. We also give her an ipad with some netflix/amazon downloads in the car. I don't love screens, but she needed something to focus on, and this helps in our situation. She is 3.5 and no longer freeing her arms.