Left 3 year old to cry - feel so guilty

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We have a 3 year old and a small baby. 3 year old has by and large always been a good sleeper. Has slept through the night in his own bed for years now, has always happily gone to bed and fallen asleep by himself.

We’ve had greater bedtime resistance for the past 6 months or so and it’s now taking around 30 mins of going in and out of the room to get him to settle, but once he’s asleep he’s generally asleep for 10-11 hours or so.

The past week he’s basically become an insomniac. Wakes up all through the night and insists it’s morning and time to get up and play. Nothing settles him - we’ve tried lying with him, bringing him into our bed (but that had to end very quickly as he’s very noisy and wakes up the baby who’s in with us), cuddles in the chair in his room, going back in every few minutes to soothe him. Nothing works - he just wants to get up and play and isn’t interested in being soothed back to sleep. On top of this I’m being woken up a few times a night to feed the baby. I’ve been getting a couple of hours of broken sleep total each night.

Last night I was on my last legs and after about 2 hours 2-4am of trying to resettle him I told him I was sorry he was sad but I needed to go to sleep and I was going to see him in the morning, closed the door, and listened to him cry for a long time before falling asleep myself. I’m pretty sure I fell asleep first so I have no idea how long he ended up crying for but he was very upset.

This morning he’s clearly shattered and also very emotional. He talked about being sad and calling for me and me not coming. He says he needed a cuddle and why didn’t I cuddle him (which isn’t really true because I offered and gave him lots of cuddles and he just wanted to play). I feel like a piece of shit. I have no idea what to do tonight. I don’t want to do that again but I also feel like I’m going to collapse from exhaustion. What do I do?

Please don’t come after me. I feel really bad about this, I know it’s not good parenting. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do instead. I would happily do anything else it took to get him to go to sleep but there doesn’t seem to be any other way.

Any suggestions?

(Husband was also helping me btw and is coping very little sleep too, but it’s me that my son wants ultimately, and I’m breastfeeding the baby.)

No idea if there is something in air at the moment, but I know at least five 3 year olds also doing this split night high jinks, including my own (who managed to stay up from midnight to 6am this week).
Perhaps its developmental, where they have so much going on that when they wake its harder to fall back to sleep.
What would happen if you brought DS into your bed, so you could at least sleep?

I would have done exactly what you did.
You didn’t leave him. You went, you offered very kind of reassurance and love you could. He didn’t really want them because what he actually needed was to be asleep. He doesn’t actually know what he wants because he should just be asleep.
This may require some thought love sleep training. The more attention he’s getting the worse he gets I suspect.
I would be doing the ‘back to bed’ technique a la super nanny but I know it’s a bit out of fashion on here. What about the sort of gradual retreat where you ignore him without actually leaving him alone?
It might also be that daddy will just have to do for a while. You need to change the habit and break the association between you and sleep.

I'd have done the same. Would he be happier if you left an audio book playing for him to listen to?

in your position I would have done exactly the same. And it’s not ok that he chooses if mummy or daddy goes to him. That’s way too much pressure and exhaustion on you

I know it's so difficult when your tired, but to me that's really not OK. My eldest was never a good sleeper, so maybe it came as less of a shock to me, but for about a year a bounced between night waking of toddler (1-2/night) and newborn (2-3/night), with very little sleep in between. I never left either of them to cry themselves to sleep, but did keep the 3yo in nursery (on funded hours) through maternity leave, so I had some chance of a daytime nap. Would that be an option for you?

The heat (depending where you are) is playing a big role in my 5 year old and 6 month old not sleeping properly at the moment. If his room is cool enough then he's probably regressing a bit because of the new baby. You don't say how old your baby is but my son's still showing signs of struggling with his little sister 6 months on.

Remind him that you gave him lots of cuddles and it's very important that everyone gets enough sleep because it helps them feel less grumpy. If he'll take a nap make sure it's with enough time to spare to not make bedtime tonight a big deal. If he seems like he's going the same way tonight, tell him when you settle him you'll be back in 5 minutes to make sure he's okay and keep going back to him. You'll probably find he'll fall asleep between one of those 5 minutes because he's had the reassurance that you're sticking to your word and checking on him

Good luck, it's hard! My son went through a similar patch when he was just around 3. I found it really tough and I didn't have another baby to tend to then!

I think the key to this is that you have a new baby. His life has changed recently and I've read so many times on here of parents immediately expecting the older children to 'grow up' He is still only 3. I think that last night he did want reassurance and at least he feels he can tell you that. Tonight I would try to spend just a few more minutes settling him so he knows he has not been usurped by the baby. Yes he is old enough to understand that the baby needs attention, but don't forget that he never asked for his life to change and have his parents attention split with his sibling. I suspect that if he feels he is getting enough attention during the day that these night issues will cease.

Is he old enough to use a big sand timer with 10 or 30 min on it and say if he still needs you to call you after that time? That's what I do with my 5yo at bedtime (30 mins)

Would having an audiobook help? I don't think it's wrong, you need to sleep particularly with a newborn. I think your son cannot only request you, not his dad - that's an important learning as well.

Although he wants you at night I think your DH needs to sit with him instead. You have to be with the baby if your BF and you can't do both.

I'd talk to your DS in the day and explain it will be daddy who comes to him in the night.

My normally excellent at sleeping 5 year old is struggling with the heat and is waking up a few times at the moment.

I would do what you did - but follow the sleep training that we do. Which is to settle them first time they wake up and then say a phrase - something like " Mummy and Daddy love you, it's time for sleeping now" then leave the room. Set a timer for 5 mins. Go back in, say the exact same thing, don't touch him though, just use your words, and leave straight away. Set another timer for 5 mins. If your DH goes in he needs to do the exact same. Don't hang about and most importantly don't give any cuddles. Which I know is super hard. But ideally this will teach them they are not abandoned, you are right there and will always come back. But they aren't going to get cuddles, or get away with mucking about it.

To be honest I don't know if this will work with a 3 year old, I've only ever don't it with a 1 year old. But it did work with my son and now he is a great sleeper (when it is not so hot!). And we're doing it with my daughter (1) and she is starting to get it too. It gives you something to work with anyway and something to re visit on difficult nights.

It'd from the book "The Happy Sleeper"

Really hope he settles soon xx

Problem is you'll have to keep ignoring him if he 'checks' to see if you'll do it again and that's not nice or healthy for either of you if it becomes a pattern.

Id go in briefly even if that means a lot of times or i would co sleep. Keep light off and barely speak just repeat you're ok it's night time I'll see you in the morning or such.

Although he'll seem like a giant compared to your new baby he's still a baby himself.

Thanks everyone, some really helpful suggestions. Just to address a few things people have said:

I wish co-sleeping was a solution to this but it’s not (it’s one of the main things I’ve tried). He hasn’t been cuddled to sleep since he was very small and just isn’t used to it. When we bring him into our bed he just starts messing about, poking us and saying it’s morning and it’s time to wake up. The baby is in our room so this then wakes the baby up. We’ve also tried lying in his bed and similarly he just thinks it’s a game. Fundamentally he doesn’t want to be soothed back to sleep, he wants to get up.

The heat and transition to being a big brother are definitely both factors. I think he also needs to drop his nap which he’s still having about half the time. Having said that he’s so absolutely shattered today he fell asleep on the kitchen floor so I’ve had to take him to bed for a nap. I think I’ll cap it though.

Dad is going in to settle him but all he does is scream “NO I WANT MUMMY”. He’s probably more upset with dad going in than when he’s just left alone. We persisted with alternating last night but it feels like what’s the point in my husband going in at all if it does the opposite of calm him down.

Audiobook and sand timer are good suggestions. I might also get one of those gro clocks so he has a sense of how far through the night he is.

I think I’ll try going in every 10 minutes or something tonight just for reassurance and not staying too long. Just the thought of another night of no sleep makes me want to cry.

@Imenti advice is spot on.

Sympathies OP, it's really hard. It will pass (not that that's much comfort at the moment!).

Leaving him to cry like that isn't ok - as you've seen, he's shattered & upset, and likely to be more difficult to settle tonight.

You need a constant routine like Imebti describes. And you need DH to participate. I know DS doesn't want him, but you need to persevere. Otherwise it becomes even more of a default that Mummy is the only one that can comfort him.

You also if possible need some support eg DH taking leave for a day or two to help it catch up with sleep.

As long as DS realises he is secure and you will come back to him consistently, but not every minute he wants you, things will improve.

Sending good wishes for this to pass soon for you!

You gave him 2 hours of reassurance and 3 is old enough to understand you don’t disturb everyone overnight. I wouldn’t feel guilty. Tonight if he does it again I’d maybe go back at 10-15 minute intervals but be really boring and just reiterate that it’s sleep time. I’d also go in for some bribery, whatever you think will motivate him- you could do a sticker chart for staying in bed and say if he gets 5 that he can choose a treat or if you think it’ll work better then go for more immediate gratification and say something like he can have coco pops for breakfast tomorrow, get a pastry on the way to nursery or something if he has a good night.