Dad 'working away' 6 days a week

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So ds is 3, dh works 6 days a week (Monday-Saturday) every week. He leaves the house about 3:30am and returns between 7-9pm most nights. Ds goes to bed at around 6:30pm most nights as he gets suuuuper tired by the end of the day.

Ds only sees dh on a Sunday, (very occasionally during the week in dh makes it home early). I work on a Sunday so we rarely spend time all together.

Ds gets so upset everyday that he won't get to see his daddy, and he misses him loads and says things like 'bla blas daddy sees him everyday' or 'bla blas daddy picks him up from nursery'. It BREAKS my heart, I feel so bad for him but I'm also so tired of the everyday struggle of him missing him and being upset he won't see him.

Anyone else in this boat who's found good ways to deal with this? Or anyone with any suggestions? Are we damaging him by him not being able to see the person he wants to see so badly? Its essentially as if me and dh are separated and he sees his dad 'at the weekend'.

It's hard but it's not going to damage him, plenty of dads work away for weeks at a time, mums too. More concerning is your lack of family time more generally, is there something you can work towards to get a more balanced schedule where you get at least one day together

What does he do that he’s out of the house for 16-18 hours A DAY? Shift workers would generally do 4 12 hour shifts on and 4 off. Yours is working upwards of 72 hours a week if he has a 4-6 hour commute per day. That’s before we get into the Working Time Directive.

What’s the point in him coming home?!

What are your DH's career plans for the future? super long days and no family time are going to ruin him eventually, even before you consider the impact on your child.

@gogomoto I have my own business in event decor, unfortunately a lot of my set ups/take downs are on Sundays. I am currently in the process of hiring staff though so I should get my Sundays back soon which will help a lot!

I think it will damage the relationship he has with his dad in the long term.

Does he really need to be out of the house 16 hours a day?

Honestly I'd be questioning why he even bothered to get married and have a child if he's never going to see you all. He's missing out on family life and seeing his child grow up and of course that will have an impact on your son.

He needs to change jobs it's just not workable with a child and family to be away so much of the week.

My DH was completely away for 5.5 days a week for DD’s first 18 months. It was extremely hard on everyone which is why he changed roles so that he could be at home (all the bloody time).

I understand DH job sounds a bit ridiculous😂 he tarmacs, but he's currently working a few hours away. They have to be in the tarmac plant at about 6:30am to begin working at 8 and it takes him that long to get there in the morning. He then works long hours throughout the day, then has the commute home. We have spoken many times about how it's almost pointless him coming home! With the cost of living everyone has to do what they have to do and unfortunately at the moment this is what we're having to do to mean we don't have to struggle with our bills can keep our home etc

My own dad worked away when I was a child.

To be really honest, it DID damage the relationship with him. I really struggled for a long time with never showing I was upset around him for fear of 'ruining' the little time I did spend with him and for fear of putting him off spending time with me at all.

Our time together became this fragile, brittle thing that I constantly worried about breaking.

Going into adulthood, that never really left me and even now, if I get upset around him, I carry huge amounts of stress and guilt over it. I've had to work so hard on trying to overcome that, I almost risked over correcting it at times.

My parents marriage also broke up. That may have happened eventually anyway, they seem like such different people now. But the distance could not have helped.

Sorry, OP. I am sure there are lots of people who manage this situation well without the fallout above. But both my parents are decent, loving people and yet there was a still a consequence to all that time apart.

This sounds so hard. If there's really nothing better, can you at least shift your DS's sleep times so he's up until 7pm and sees him occasionally? People tend to say on these threads that this is impossible etc but realistically, in most countries around the world children go to sleep much later than here, either with a daytime nap (assuming he's not at all-day nursery) or waking later. People also travel between time zones, and we all manage daylight saving (eventually!), in my experience of doing it, it helps to look at things like a second hand stick on blackout blind for the window.

Or could you take an extra day of work, so he's only doing 5? This just doesn't feel sustainable for any of you.

Surely this isn’t sustainable for your DH either? He must be exhausted.

@YourNameGoesHere these where not the hours he worked when we got married and had ds. He worked a more normal day (5:30am - 4:30pm) it was great and we loved it. But unfortunately that didn't pay well enough to mean we weren't going to be constantly struggling through the cost of living crisis. Which I honestly believe would breed just as much stress worrying about keeping a roof over our head.

He didn't go into parenthood with the intention to never be around. Shit happens.

Adjusting his days and hours is just so difficult. It's more complex than it seems, but I will deffo have another conversation with him about dropping to 5 days!

It's not sustainable for him, he's so tired. But he's such a hard worker, and also has ADHD so the constant movement for him actually does him a favour😂 on a Sunday he still goes out with ds and is running about everywhere, climbing everything, acting like a toddler. He has copious amounts of energy 😂

@TiredEyesAndFatiguedTyres I'm sorry to hear this! That sounds so hard for you, I'm sorry you had to go through this😞 I hope it won't be the same for ds, but thanks for sharing your experience as it really does remind me how damaging this could be for him.

I appreciate shit happens but you and he must see this is not at all sustainable or fair on your son.

There must be some middle ground job wise between one that doesn't pay enough but sees you more than once a week and one that does but means he's gone for over 300 days a year.

It would be a hell of a lot safer for him to rent a room near work rather than drive 6 hours a day. Especially doing it after a maximum of 6.5 hours sleep. That’s actually horrifying.

I drove 7 hours on Monday and 6 hours back on Tuesday (after a full day of work) and I’ll be catching up for days. I also have ADHD.

@FFSWhatToDoNow trust me it worries me so much. I've had so many conversations with him about the safety of what he's doing, but he thinks he's fine. He has others in the lorry or van with him so he says he could never fall asleep (I beg to differ) but he's kept this up since about November 2022, I have no idea how. He amazes me and I love him for how hard he works for us, but I'd love him to cut it down a bit. If he can🤷‍♀️

a lorry? Brilliant.

It’s not about falling asleep. Is ADHDers are prone to being distracted. Being tired makes it worse. Is he medicated?

Can you move to live somewhere closer to where he works? The current set up is surely unsustainable and really dangerous

Why does he need to be at work at 6.30 if he starts at 8? If the job requires him on site from 6.30, that’s when he starts.

Commuting 6 hours a day must be really hitting your finances. As well as no good for his well being. Especially as he has adhd.

I really doubt it’s the only job he can get that will cover bills. Is there anything you can do to up your income so he can earn less and be at home more?

@Alwaysdecorating he has to be at the tarmac plant so they can collect tarmac at 6:30, to then drive to wherever it is they'll be laying the tarmac to start at 8.

Unfortunately he has done this job since he was 14, he doesn't really know anything else and not really the type to want to venture into a different role he doesn't know about tbh. He comes from a long line of tarmacers through his family and they all have similar complaints. And so do all the wives, I knew when I married him this job takes a huge tole on him and the family. But some people have to do these jobs! I've tried to speak to him about looking at other ways, but it's hard work.

I own my own business and have been growing it for the last 3.5 years, it's been going well and I've just taken on my first staff member, but these has made a dip in my income for a while, but eventually it will benefit.

I suppose I wasn't really looking for answers on how we can fix our situation cos I don't really think there is anyway to fix it atm. More so looking for advice from anyone in a similar boat as to how to manage it with my son as it has to be this way atm unfortunately!

Financially does he need to work 6 days a week?

Can you move closer to the tarmac plant so it's not as long a commute? Then your DH would get home earlier and be able to see DS before bed (and do bedtime). Even 1 hour away instead of 3 hours would make a huge difference, and the extra time (and sleep!) would no doubt help DH and the family more generally.

If that's not possible, what about changing DS's schedule a bit so he wakes up later and goes to bed later, so he'll at least see DH at least more often in the evenings? Is your DH always the one driving home? If not, or if they stop somewhere along the way, could he do a quick video call with DS in the evening?

You could also think about things like recording DH reading some of DS's favourite stories, so DH can 'do' bedtime stories. Or DH could sometimes leave something for DS to find in the morning, a sort of 'thinking of you' – just something like one of his cuddly toys with a note 'Daddy thought maybe today you could take me to the park' or a new layout set up with his wooden trains or whatever.