Please reassure me I’m doing the right thing for 2 y o dd sending her to nursery

[pleasereassureworried]

Dd is 2.5. Diagnosed with Autism, non verbal and has some developmental delay.

she’s starting a mainstream nursery that has a good SEN provision and experience so I know that it will be good for her but I just want to cry. 2 settling sessions this week have gone badly. She is clearly overwhelmed and overstimulated there and then has had even worse sleep than usual.

I know logically it will help her in the long run and I know as well that I need a break but I feel awful. I have a friend who has decided not to send her dd to school (4 so should be starting reception and she’s NT) but she’s said to me ‘my dd is still a baby and needs to be at home with me learning and she’s not got additional needs and is older and would struggle- you need to think about your dd and consider is she just too little as it could do more harm’ I know she was trying to help in her own way as I’d told her how unsure I felt but now I just feel awful. I think maybe she thought I needed to feel like someone said it was ok to not send her ? So she wasn’t trying to be unkind or judgemental

Am I doing the wrong thing ? I just feel that if we don’t get some kind of help for dd now and get her into a setting she will never make any progress at all? Or will it traumatise her and make things more difficult ?

I really don't think we can say.

If its too traumatising and overwhelming it may not be the right thing.

Have you got Portage help? They are usually fab with preschool placements.

Are there SEN specific alternatives?

You could try for a couple of weeks/have a date in mind?

Did they allow settling sessions so it can become familiar?

Can you join some fb groups for SEN families in your area. It can really help to hear from others locally what is good/what support there is etc.

I actually feel guilty my two year old isn't at nursery. I feel like she'd get more interesting things to do than I can give her.

I understand your fears but I'd take the nursery's lead on whether it is normal/ likely to calm down as they have the experience with SEN. With my first we had two weeks where he'd cry a lot and even got sent home early a few times and then he got very independent and happy there. I feel it was good to get that out of the way ahead of missing school.

I meant can't say without being in the situation. As it will vary person to person and setting to setting.

It won't be good for her if she's constantly overwhelmed and overestimated so there may be a better setting more suited to having some quiet spaces and introducing her to those first etc?

Preschools/nursery really vary on their level of autism education too...

Some kids thrive in nursery. Others don't.
It's not one size fits all.
Socialising can be achieved in other ways too.
The extra difficulty with a non verbal child is they can't tell you how they feel, so you do need to take cues from behaviour.
Perfectly reasonable for you to want and need a break too.
Maybe see if it improves but consider alternative settings too.

No one can say. Your friend may have delivered it poorly but perhaps she thought you needed someone to say it’s okay not to send her if others are pressuring you to do so.

How did the staff manage the difficult settling in sessions?

One thing about going to nursery is that it maybe possible to ensure extra support and funding is in place by the time she goes to school - it can take ages. Also you having a break is important too

persist with the nursery. it takes a lot of time for kids to settle to new places, especially with SEN involved.

give yourself a deadline, say 3 months, and if in 3 months your child is still unsettled / not sleeping / overstimulated etc, then reassess.

The nursery were lovely, but I just dont know at what point I persevere to if she’s still so upset. Or maybe she will start to relax a bit but I feel like I need to give it a bit longer then if she’s still this upset and stressed to give up then but I want it to work for both of us I just hate seeing her so clearly terrified

What are nursery saying? Are they handing her back saying she's beens tressed amd terrified the whole setting?

Is there a key worker she can bond with?

It is so tough, my son is 3 and also ASD and non-verbal. He started nursery at 18 months for 2 mornings a week and then we moved him to preschool just after 2 where he does 5 mornings a week. our rule has always been with nursery if he gets too distressed and is clearly signalling he wants to go home (he often goes and puts his rucksack on) we go and get him.
He is mostly fine now to be honest and preschool have learned strategies to distract him back to a fun task, what I will say is we have runs of bad weeks sometimes where he asks to come home a lot, normally when unwell or tired, but there are way more good weeks than bad and he has come on so much since going, he mostly loves it there. You can apply for an EHCP at this age, we are going through the process now, we found he is so much better and engaged when preschool have managed to allocate him a 1-2-1 so we are hoping we get one full time soon.

Mine absolutely thrived in nursery but he went from a year old and was very comfortable there. He went 2 long days around my work for over 3 years with no issues whatsoever and was well supported there. I realise this is not always the case for SEN children so my experience is less usual. I think the main thing I'd say is you know your child best, work with the nursery and don't be afraid to change things if it's not right.

Nursery can be very tricky for children with SEN and however good their SEN provision is they can’t change basic facts about nursery, they are busy, noisy places!

What is her Key Worker like? If it’s going to work, your daughter needs to build a relationship with them. Would the nursery do a home visit? So the Key Worker could come to your house and start to build a relationship with your daughter in a place she feels safe?

How long days is she doing? I think little and often tends to be better for children. So going 4/5 days a week but only for 3ish hours at a time. Would that be possible?

I really feel for you. I hope she settles soon.

Keep going with it
Give it 4 weeks
Use photo schedule home nursery home
Ds asd settled into nursery it was good for him (mainstream wuth sen)