Son is too anxious to go to school

[OrianaBanana]

Hi All,

I’m wondering if anyone has any advice or has been in a similar situation. Since the day after his 12th birthday in June my son has been very depressed and emotional. He cries and shakes and panics at the idea of going to school. He hasn’t managed a full day of school since then. He’s not sleeping and has dreaded the beginning of the new school year all holiday.

Today, the first day of term year 8, we’d arranged for him to just go in for registration and two periods then come home at break time. He couldn’t manage it.

He is seeing a private counsellor, we’ve been to the GP multiple times, we are encouraging exercise, fresh air and good diet but I feel so alone with this. He won’t confide in or see friends although he swears it is not a bullying issue and doesn’t want to go to a different school. Does anyone know what else I can do for him? It is so upsetting to see him like this and I am desperate for him to feel better.

what is stopping him staying in the lesson? It could just be a had habit, and once a child gets the idea into their head that they don't have to stay, it is very hard indeed for them to do so

Oh how upsetting. Can he not say at all why he doesn’t like it? Have you asked if he’d like a new school? How are his grades, is he ok with the workload? He might be too scared and embarrassed to admit the bullying I suppose.
That sounds horrible for all of you though.

He cannot stop himself from crying and everyone in the class can see him doing so (this has happened on several occasions). Now the idea of this happening again causes him to panic and cry uncontrollably at the idea of school.

There is a great Facebook group called not fine in school , you will get lots of helpful advice and support on there. You can also post anonymously if you want to.

Very difficult for you , sending love

Is he ND?

Thank you @Beefcurtains79. It is possibly bullying or even just teasing (he is very sensitive) but he hasn’t ever said. He seems appalled at the idea of another school. He is very socially anxious.

His grades have been pretty average, he’s always done his homework, and all the teachers say they are surprised.

I have often wondered this, he has some very light traits but nothing that has ever been picked up on.

That sounds so hard for both of you. Poor thing.

Would home schooling be a possibility? then revisit once he's done his GCSEs? there's a girl in our neighbourhood who was in the same situation and had the same reaction to school. She's now in FE college doing a vocational qualification and has a good group of friends.

If you think DS may be ND, look at a referral for assessment. In some areas you can self refer. If not ask the GP/school.

Don’t deregister and EHE unless you actually want to home educate. Parents often find it easier (although not easy) to get support when DC remain on the school’s roll even if they can’t attend. Crudely, you are someone’s problem. Whereas, if you EHE it is easier for others to sweep DC’s needs under the carpet. If DS can’t attend school the LA has a duty to provide education, but if you EHE you relieve the LA of their duty.

Have you spoken to the SENCO? What support is the school providing? Can DS articulate what specifically he is struggling with at school e.g. noise, too busy, friendships, the work…?

Whilst a longer term solution is considered, the LA has a duty to ensure DC receive a suitable, full-time education to those who can’t attend school. This should begin once it becomes clear 15 days will be missed - the days don’t need to have already been missed or consecutive. So, if it looks like DS won’t be able to transition back into school request medical needs tuition from the LA under s.19 of the Education Act 1996. As well as this, you should also consider whether an EHCP is necessary - IPSEA has lots of info on this, including a model letter to request an EHCNA. With an EHCP, an EOTAS package is possible if school is inappropriate. This is where DC receive provision outside of a school setting.

If you post on the SN or SEN board there are posters on there who are or have gone through similar and can provide support on navigating the system.

Could he go into school and stay in a separate area for a bit (most schools have a sen room or similar)? The school needs to work with you. Perhaps look into an ehcp.

Thank you so much for your replies. I will look into a self referral and see what the criteria are.

I have found it very difficult to get support from the school to be honest. Eventually I got through to a nice lady who is the Pastoral Support Assistant and had a meeting with her and the Head of Year. What I find frustrating is that the GPs (we have now seen three) and the school are asking me what to do and I have no idea. The school has now mentioned an EHA which I am looking into. This afternoon I have an assessment with the NHS counselling service he was referred to a while ago so I will see what they say.

I am really not keen on homeschooling yet as I am worried both that he will become more reclusive and that I am not qualified for it (my daughter has Cerebral Palsy and my husband has Chronic Fatigue). I am really hoping that with support we can get him back into school because I honestly think it will be the best place for him once he can cope.

The school does have a separate 'wellbeing' area but I was told it was for pupils who need increased supervision and it's not an appropriate area for him. I was wondering if I could get him into the school after hours, e.g. get him into his uniform and working in the library, as a step towards actually attending class.

I have the same it’s hard

I agree that he may be ND. So many children who have have school anxiety and refusal are found to be ND. School is a very overwhelming environment for them, especially secondary school. It can also be very difficult for ND children to explain what the issues are.

I would look into getting him assessed. Schools are meant to deal with the child in front of them so in theory a diagnosis isn’t needed for them to make reasonable adjustments and work with you to help your son find school manageable. In reality, schools aren’t always great, but keep talking to them about what’s happening and see what they can offer.

💐

Request a meeting with the SENCO. Follow up any verbal conversations with emails, so you have a paper trail as evidence. Sadly, you will have to drive this process.

Is DS known to the local young carers service? And have you had a carer’s assessment?

Secondary school is when a lot of previously undiagnosed kids end up getting neurodivergent diagnoses. He is probably finding the classroom environment, change of classes, noise etc too much to manage.
Speak to the SENCO or head of year about your concerns and see if you can get him referred to paeds or CAMHS. Hope things improve x

What supports have they put in place? Or non other than a late start as it happened at the end of term?

You need to get him to express what the problem is. Fold a big piece of paper into 8 or so and ask him to draw a cartoon of his school day then ask him to explain what happens at each stage might give you some insight

1. arrival
2. registration 3....)Period 1, P2 etc
3. Break time
4. Getting changed for Pe
5. Using the toilets
6. Lunch time
7. Home time

When you work out the pinch points there are lots of things that can be used:
Toilet pass - use toilet during class so it's quiet
2 min early pass to move around the school at quiet times.
School counsellor
Anti bullying ambassadors
Quiet supervised space during unstructured time.
Red/yellow/ green cards placed on the desk to indicate to the teacher how he is feeling
Time out card to leave the class for an agreed amount of time.

Other things to look into: Young Carers group to allow him to socialise outside of school but also to get support as his sister has CP.
Not having ND being picked up by the school doesn't mean he isn't, it just means he may mask it well. In some DC like my DD they don't have the big emotional and physical meltdowns that are so well known but have internalised shut downs which are hard to see. They learn to stim in a socially acceptable way so it isn't as noticeable. DDs school didntrecognise any of her ASD signs until after she had received her diagnosis and they knew how it impacted her and what to look for.

So sorry you're both going through this sounds tough. There have already been some great suggestions here. Just wondering since he is June born is he quite young? Could deferring a school year help and then start in the year below at another school or would this just extend the problem?

He is probably suffering with panic attacks.
Panic attacks are severely debilitating and some adults and up in A&E because symptoms are so horrific.
Part time hours, card to leave the classroom, sitting in a different room do not work.If these methods worked there wouldn't be thousands of parents in same boat, look on Not Fine At School website, the pattern is very familiar.
Your son will be feeling bad enough without drawing unwanted attention as to why he needs these adjustments.
Students who suffer anxiety/panic are usually very conscientious, high achieving and previously had very good attendance.
Students normally become better at managing these symptoms in later teens, until then unfortunately you are very much on your own.
Home education could be an option, all the information is free online. look at YouTube tutorials. My son passed his exams this way with aid of revision books. Being away from school allows anxiety levels to go down, can then recharge and reset. Read up on anxiety and panic, know there is an end in sight but it does take time.

counselling

What about searching on this counselling website. You can filter for anxiety, a teenager, in your area. My closest friend found a highly recommended counsellor in Surrey for ASD and anxiety teen who was unable to go to school.

Your kid sounds very much like mine - we ultimately (after a brutal year of getting him in every day and massive amounts of panic and distress) discovered both that he is autistic and a big part of the problem was sensory overwhelm. Essentially the school environment was actually physically painful (something I had not realised was part of how such sensory issues manifested) as well as being totally unmanageable. Of course he was terrified going in to what was basically a war zone for him every day....He would reach a limit in a lesson from everything that had been happening all day, and just have to run out and go to the nurses office. We tried all sorts of supports but it never really worked. He said the only thing that would really help was being somewhere much smaller and quieter. ultimately we pulled him from the school and are in the process of starting somewhere about 1/8 the size of the old place and are hoping it will help...

Oh please don't minimise it. I was hit with severe anxiety in college, for pretty much no reason whatsoever, and it was so difficult to get through lessons without crying or needing to leave, because everything just felt overwhelming. If you've never been there, you just don't get it.

OP you say he's seeing a counsellor and has seen his GP. Have they mentioned medication? Changed my life when I went on them.

Def look at a smaller school. You may have to apply for an educational placement for emotional needs. It has done my teenage child wonders. Feel free to message me.

Hi
I could have written your message. In January 2023 a day after my sons 12th birthday he became severely anxious going to school to the point he started having panic attacks which involved crying. He has been previously anxious at school at 8 years old but could still attend and also Jan 2022 and the trigger then was the discussion of the Ukraine during school which petrified him but again he still went.

The school gave absolutely no support, they said the words saying they would support us but ultimately he didn't feel safe I do remember doing their 'tough love' approach and leaving him mid panic because apperently 'he was fine' when I left. I would never do that again. This made it worse and his trust in teachers and myself he was unable to go back in. From February he has never been back. I went to GP service who just said there is a waiting list and she would refer something else. I told the school he wouldn't be returning and we sourced private therapy for him.

As he had lost trust in adults as noone was listening to him he started panicking going anywhere but that didn't last long. He started some private therapy, we soothed his nervous system and he started enjoying being in the outdoors. Everyday he is up for a walk at 8.30am, his weeks are filled with art, forest sessions, we meet with other home ed kids and he has got better. He is full of life and I realised how bad school was affecting him. He wasn't bullied or anything but he didn't suit that environment. Since then I've removed my other child from school as I saw how much my son was thriving and she is also doing amazing. My son can feel nervous at times with new things. I can tell he has some trauma over the way it was handled in school. One story was in the middle of a panic attack a SUPPORT teacher placed her hands over his eyes and was forcing him to walk into the school whilst laughing so much. Anyone who has had a panic attack would understand how horrendous this would be. He was so scared. His teacher rolled her eyes when he told her he was feeling so nervous and he recieved comments like 'your in P7 now your not P1 you have to stop crying' 'mum needs to go you have to stay here' it was really a traumatic time for him and myself. He couldn't eat and was up shaking at night begging me not to send him.

I wish you well but my advice is don't rely on the system for help and tap into your instincts to what feels right.