You don't have work all day in the morning - maternity woes

[Justtrying206]

I am sick to death of hearing "atleast you don't have work in the morning" I have a 9 week old baby that I look after 24/7!! What part of that being relentless hard work is so hard for my partner to understand?! It is getting to the stage I am genuinely considering returning to work early from mat leave in order to regain some balance in the relationship 😪.

Think I'm more looking to vent than asking for advice tbh

He is an irredeemable wanker.

Has he looked after your baby for the day at the weekend to understand how hard it is?

I'm on mat leave too so I sympathise. I'm finding it's more tough as DC gets older as she sleeps less during the day. Currently at 4 month sleep regression!

LTB

Actually, could you LTB with the baby for a day? And a night? Let him see what it’s really like.. (fucking relentless is right)

Poor diddums has to get up after his full night of sleep and go to work where he can finish a thought without interruption and experience the satisfaction of getting tasks done. Hats off to this hero.

I hear you! They will never ever get it

“If you don’t think that looking after a 9 week old baby is work, then you aren’t spending enough time with the baby. So on that note, I’m going out all weekend. There won’t be any handover notes, as it’s not work.”

If he doesn’t get it, it will be because he isn’t doing it. I did some KiT days about 3 months old. That really helped me to feel like an adult again and it helped DH realise it’s hard by yourself. Can you organise some KiT days and partner has to take leave to watch little one?

Precisely! The latest throwing out the statement was because he was briefly woken up by me telling him to move on to his own side of the bed... you know, not getting yo to feed, change and resettle our baby oh of course not 🙄

I've been considering doing some KIT days at about 12 weeks, mainly to keep my skills up and feel like an adult like you say. Although admittedly it would of been my mum watching the baby, partner doesnt have much annual leave left unfortunately.

Yeah he had the baby for 8 hours at the weekend, baby wouldn't settle at all for him so he knows it's hard but thh I just felt totally guilty of baby's part 😢. But yes, seems to be a distant memory how hard work it was for him...

It’s a shame your partner doesn’t have the leave to look after the baby while you do a KIT day. That worked a treat for me - returned home to find him absolutely frazzled. I think he finally got it!

Just make sure you regularly leave the baby with him on the weekends or he will never learn how to cope

When does his leave year start? He needs to be using some of his annual leave to spend days with the baby while you do your KiT days. Even not much annual leave is still enough for you to do one KiT day. He’s a parent now, so a lot of his annual leave will need to be used looking after his kid. Keep leaving the baby with him.

Leave him with the baby at the weekend. It's the only way he'll understand and bonus is you also get a break too.

I'd also definitely do some KIT days, even if it's your mum looking after the baby.

Parenting or SAHM/on mat leave is work by another name. That's what my DH recognises although it took him a long time to see it. Baby number 2, he's a lot better now!

I appreciate the advice, I just get si guilty leaving baby though as I know baby struggles when I'm not near by 😢. Just feel down about the whole situation, if my partner respected that what I'm doing is way harder than a paid shift at work I'd be a lot better about it, just feel not appreciated at the moment.

In my experience they tend not to ‘get it’ even if they have a rough day alone with the baby because they always think they have it harder than you, whether it’s working or staying with the kids. I’ve been both the SAHM and main breadwinner at various times in my relationship and working is substantially easier!
The way I cope is by putting my enjoyment of life before my partner’s at all times. I don’t cook or clean if I don’t feel like it. I snatch time when I can without asking. I express anger and demands. And I try to enjoy being loved and needed by my kids while they’re small. Only because life’s too short to have a bad week, bad month, bad year! Don’t wait for him to understand your sacrifice and thank you for it because it will probably never happen.

Stupid comments are so annoying. I still get them sometimes and our DD is 16.5m. It's a totally different experience for a man as often they can choose when they want to be involved and when they don't feel like it they just go. They just see parts of everything and as such will not understand. It's so frustrating sometimes.

Don't feel guilty. Baby needs to get used to time alone with their parent and the more often it happens, the more baby will adjust and settle with time.

Make sure your partner is doing his fair share when you are both home too.

Stupid comments like that are why I considered stabbing DH several times when DD was tiny. We're expecting DC4 and I haven't killed him yet! He does now get it, but didn't for quite some time with eldest. It's a big life change. You adapt quickly because you have no choice. Your DH has the luxury of taking time to get his head round it. Assuming he's not a total bastard, he'll work it out eventually.

Thank you op, I just had a lovely memory of my 1st mat leave, early on, literally half asleep watching trash TV with the baby asleep on me. Sadly by the 3rd I had school run every morning so never again had to not leave the house if I didn't want to 🤣