How to put baby down

[Delamo]

This is my second baby, completely different from first who was a dream. I feel I've created a terrible situation for myself by breastfeeding her to sleep. She's 6 months old now and still breast-feeds to sleep to only I can get her to sleep but now she won't even let me put her in the cot she only wants to sleep on me in the rocking chair. As soon as I put her down her eyes open and she starts crying and will only stop if I feed her again this can last all naptime and hours in the evening. How do I stop this without having her cry for a long time? I've tried to be firmer and not lift straight away but she just gets herself in such an hysterical state

I think this is normal for some babies tbh. Mine was like it. Have you tried a sling?

No words of how to solve it, I never cracked it. I did, however, listen to a lot of podcasts.

One thing that worked for us was having a double bed for cosleeping. It meant I could feed to sleep then sneak away without having to move dd at all. Some people find a mattress on the floor safer but whenever dd woke outraged that I was no longer right beside her she never attempted to move around the bed. You just need to make sure that the space follows safe cosleeping guidelines.

if it’s any comfort, they do eventually want you out of their space (which is pretty rude after what they put you through!)

Don't worry you haven't done anything wrong it is possible to get a new routine if you want to though. Mine had breastfeed to sleep until 6 months. He is now 3 so this is a while back but we did a plan through a sleep support lady which involved giving him a breastfeed then story/pjs on and then putting him in the cot awake and waiting till he fell asleep. I absolutely did not believe he would manage this and there was some protesting at first but it didn't take long for him to fall asleep quicker. I stayed with him reassuring him etc. and then worked on moving slowly away from cot and providing less physical support. Plan was similar to gradual retreat method. Good luck x

Many many many mums breastfeed to sleep it's not abnormal and you're not doing anything wrong. Baby is biologically programmed to feel safer attached to you so everything you're describing is developmentally normal. Its just really tough!

Would she take a soother? I feed ds pretty much to sleep but he had such awful reflux that we had to give a soother and keep him upright for a bit in between. But now he'll feed, then when he's asleep and pops off I switch to the soother and then I can put him in the cot and he'll suck as he needs to. Alternatively would you consider bedsharing? We recently moved ds into his own room and that was a big change from the next to me but I just lifted him every time he cried, cuddled until he settled and then put him back in. Over and over again until he felt secure enough. Took a good few weeks.

Other things that can help are habit stacking. So have the exact same bedtime routine at night. We use the same massage oil at bedtime and read the same story last thing. Could be stroking their hair or holding their hand or a small stuffed toy they like to hold etc etc you do them together until baby has a strong association of comfort and security with those things and then gradually try to fade out the feeding.

Another thing I found was I was assuming that ds would only settle for me through feeding. But we started trying dh going in when he woke and rocking him and I realised that sometimes he would actually accept that but because we hadn't tried that often because it seemed easier for me to do bedtime I don't know if actually we could have added that in sooner. Now he'll accept dh unless he's actually hungry or teething and needs a feed, so it is worth persevering with. We also did loads of time playing in the nursery to get him very used to the room and I try to make sure he's out out before setting him in the cot. Try to keep him as close to my body until he's practically on the mattress and set down feet first.

It's difficult and exhausting so make sure you're coordinating with your partner to make sure you're getting some time for you. Dh does dinner and bath and then I feed and put ds down and that helps feel less long and I have down time in between.

Which part do you want to go down - training her not to be fed to sleep, or continuing to feed to sleep for now but with easier bedtime?
(I've personally gonefor the second option with my 3 and plan to for DC4).

If the first, there are many different strategies for weaning babies that are 6+ months off feeding to sleep. Choose one that you are comfortable with. I think it is generally accepted that it will mostly either take a while or involve a fair bit of crying. I think 6 months is also towards the young end as well as they likely still need night feeds so it's hard to be consistent.

If you wish to continue (as I did, for an easy life!!!) Then consider some of the following:

• introduce a dummy. 2 of mine have taken one, and one LOVED it and it has made for massively simple bedtimes. He still has it at nearly 3 as he's such a dream at bedtime. He lies in his bed with his teddy and his dummy, closed his eyes an patiently waits for sleep in silence. Bliss. Anyone can put him down in any location.
• bedshare. If you have th cot on the side of tho bed you can roll away....worked very well for my eldest. She would get hysterical if not fed to sleep.
• hold them for ten mins after they appear to be asleep, then transfer. They will now be in deeper sleep. BUT they are likely to wake every time they pass into light sleep and wonder where the cuddle has gone! This one is easiest in tha short term but I woudlnt do it unless you have to. Survival method! Always what I used when travelling as it's harder to settle baby in unfamiliar circumstamces. Illness also sometimes necessitated this.

Whatever you choose to do, don't feel bad. I despair at sleep training gurus that say if you feed your baby to sleep they will be sleep deprived and never self settle. It's a tonne of bollocks. Never got round to sleep training any of mine. However, YOU may be sleep deprived for the next year/18 months depending in your baby. It won't stay as bad as it currently is, not by a long shot. But baby/toddler sleep is tough for the majority no matter what path you choose. My eldest still needed a 3am wee until she was 3 and a half. Ear infections will buggerup everything. Tummy bugs also a bit of a nightmare. Make choices that work for you and don't feel bad. Make changes as and when you feel it's th right moment.

Just to add on the night feed point though to give another experience - mine still had a night feed up to one year old (and two from 6months to a year). Just would breastfeed but put in awake. Can be lots of contrasting advice as what works perfectly for one family would be a nightmare for another but hopefully something is useful in there.

Thank you for everyone who wrote back, hearing people have gone through similar has made me feel a bit less like a failure of a mum.

We have tried every dummy possible and she will just not take it. The mam was the most successful and she has this in her mouth for a few minutes before spitting it out but will not properly suck

My DH has tried to go in and settle her but she will get herself so worked up she will be sick and almost hyperventilate

During the night once she's finally down she will have a feed and go straight back in the cot but for some reason won't do this for naps or initially at night. I think the feed then PJ's and maybe a comfort toy may be worth trying as it'll break the cycle I'll look more into these methods thanks again

I'm going through this as well. Also my second. We did do some sleep training with our first, but she didn't need much. This one has had a bit of a rougher start so don't feel I can do the training again.

He's 6 months, and we'd got to the point he and I were sharing the bed, but he'd wake up every hour (semi wake) wanting the boob back in his mouth. Not taking anything, just wanted me back. I was exhausted.

We moved him to his own room and daddy has been putting him down after I breastfeed. First few nights there was a lot of daddy required, bit then we got down to 2 wake ups a night! Unfortunately he got a bad cold so has ended up back in the bed 🤦‍♀️. Hoping we can recover that lost ground!

We're actually moving into her own room soon just need to finish decorating it but might be a good time to introduce some changes so she's not so reliant on the breast to get and stay asleep. We did do a bit of sleep training with our first but he was pretty easy to self settle where this baby just wants me all the time. .
A few people have suggested co sleeping but I know I couldn't sleep beside her for fear of squashing her in my sleep plus I feel she'd never sleep on her own!

My babies have been of this type. I never had any luck with trying any different order - they had to feed to sleep or have movement to sleep otherwise they would just wake up and be overtired.

I think you have a baby who can self settle or not. It's not something you can teach them. The books give you the impression that you can but this probably only works if you have the right type of baby. Then you go around evangelising that it worked wonders when it was half luck!

Ah it's tough being so constantly in demand!!!! But it sounds completely normal and you haven't done anything wrong. Millions of women are feeding their babies to sleep right now!

Here are a few things to try:

During the day trying sling/carrier naps (still close to you) - strap in and crack on with some jobs/walk around/sway/whatever. My second used to magically fall asleep if you walked upstairs 😂. Feed when they wake up.

If this works, then try pushchair/pram naps - motion/rock/walk to sleep. You can then park them up and get on with your day for some brief glorious moments.

In the evening, try feeding before sleep time but then cuddle/soothe to sleep. Wait for a good while before transferring to cot. My first was a nightmare, we had to place her in the cot millimetre by millimetre and then have an elaborate withdrawal routine worthy of a ninja. My second you just wait a few minutes, pop her in and she rolls over and settles. Just luck!!!

Other things: white noise, lying them on their stomach and stoking their back. Having a floor bed you can settle them on and then withdraw once they are asleep. Try everything - you'll find something that works eventually.

Thanks, it's good to have practical things to try with her, if I only had her I would just hold her but feel so guilt for my 4 year old. Getting ready to go to the park and I'm going to put her in the sling and she'll hopefully nap or else be settled so I can focus on my 4 year old. She's such a happy smiley content baby the sleeping is just something we'll work on. I keep repeating this too shall pass!