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Original poster

I want to run away from motherhood

3 replies

MaisieRed · 03/09/2023 11:16

I am a mother to a 9 month old ds. I am 22 And i am also married to an amazing man. A man I take for granted and I need space.
I have been struggling with a deep depression for well over a year now. I hated my pregnancy I hated being pregnant I hate being a mum. We planned for a baby and tried for over a year with no luck it's all we wanted. We both have stable careers and a house and we wanted to have a family so badly. But when I surprisingly found out I was pregnant after stopping trying. I dreaded it. I didn't want to tell my husband but I was considering abortion. I just wasn't ready and I still am not. I carried on had a bad pregnancy with mental and physical health issues the whole way through it. And started hating my husband wanting to leave him but I stuck by him. He's amazing and I hate that I felt that way. He's brilliant, understanding and didn't scare when I told him I didn't love him anymore. My ds is a golden child as everyone calls him. But sleeping is an issue at the moment. Wakes up 2 times a night and doesn't want to go back to sleep for another 2 hours. We both work long hours in a very stressful job and we're both run down. I keep having fantasies of leaving, running away, living by myself turning my back on my family. I don't want to leave my husband. But don't feel the same way about my son. We had a beautiful day just us two yesterday. My FIL had my son for the night and I felt so much better. I just wanted him to keep him so I didn't have to be a mum anymore. I'm throwing myself into work finding myself always wanted to be there to escape motherhood. I grieve my old life with my husband and not having to be a mum. Help

OP posts:
Original poster
MaisieRed · 03/09/2023 11:19

MaisieRed · 03/09/2023 11:16

I am a mother to a 9 month old ds. I am 22 And i am also married to an amazing man. A man I take for granted and I need space.
I have been struggling with a deep depression for well over a year now. I hated my pregnancy I hated being pregnant I hate being a mum. We planned for a baby and tried for over a year with no luck it's all we wanted. We both have stable careers and a house and we wanted to have a family so badly. But when I surprisingly found out I was pregnant after stopping trying. I dreaded it. I didn't want to tell my husband but I was considering abortion. I just wasn't ready and I still am not. I carried on had a bad pregnancy with mental and physical health issues the whole way through it. And started hating my husband wanting to leave him but I stuck by him. He's amazing and I hate that I felt that way. He's brilliant, understanding and didn't scare when I told him I didn't love him anymore. My ds is a golden child as everyone calls him. But sleeping is an issue at the moment. Wakes up 2 times a night and doesn't want to go back to sleep for another 2 hours. We both work long hours in a very stressful job and we're both run down. I keep having fantasies of leaving, running away, living by myself turning my back on my family. I don't want to leave my husband. But don't feel the same way about my son. We had a beautiful day just us two yesterday. My FIL had my son for the night and I felt so much better. I just wanted him to keep him so I didn't have to be a mum anymore. I'm throwing myself into work finding myself always wanted to be there to escape motherhood. I grieve my old life with my husband and not having to be a mum. Help

I also find when my son is around I hate my husband. I constantly debate whether he's right for me. Before pregnancy I never would of thought any of this. I was absolutely undoubtedly head over heals for this man. Now I constantly question whether I should be with someone else. And I pick apart at him. Judging his flaws and imperfections and even his looks.

OP posts:
TinyTeacher · 03/09/2023 17:07

If you are both working, are you splitting the bad sleep? So one of you has an early night and had 5 hours uninterrupted sleep and is then on duty. Other one takes the early evening shift but gets 5 uninterrupted hours when you swap.

Do not be afraid to ask for medication. Speak to your GP as if your partner has done nothing wrong but you are questioning all sorts of things that may be something that anti-depressants or similar could help with.

Can you get more help in so you can rest/relax more? You say it made a bit difference to have someone take him for a night - would it help to have this happen once a fortnight regularly? Can you afford a night nanny or baby sitter once a week or fortnight? Or do you have family that will do it? If you have 2 family members that will each do once a month that would be relatively easy for them but a huge big deal for you....

Your baby will not be a baby forever. You just need to survive this phase.

ValancyRedfern · 03/09/2023 20:34

I can relate so much to what you are saying. The first 18 months of dd's life were horrific and I wanted to leave her, my partner and/or commit suicide for most of them. My personal opinion of course but babies are just awful. Anyone who says 'it all goes too quickly' gets the side eye from me. I swear dd's babyhood took about 10 millenia! Once she hit 2, things started to get better and they've got better and better since then. Now she's 9 and she makes me so happy. I would love another child but only if they arrive fully packaged aged 2 which unfortunately isn't an option! The great thing about babies is that they only stay that way for 18 months. You will get through this.

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