I need organisation and developing magic tips to organise the hobbies of 3DC as a single mum

[2doggywoggies]

I am a single mother with three DC aged 8, 7 and 5. We live in London and the DC go to private school. I work anywhere from 70-100 hours a week for my job depending on deadlines / times of year. I earn a lot but I do not get support from the children’s father, so my earnings are entirely going on rent, school fees, food, bills, the salary of a nanny who works 7-7pm every weekday. I also support my elderly parents financially who live an hour away.

For the majority of my life I have thankfully had unlimited energy and been able to push myself to get by on little sleep, meet deadlines and make sure I am all over things as much as I can be. This was actually easier when the children were smaller because the activities I could give them would be those most accessible and neat rather than those based on the DC preferences and what their friends were doing. But as they have become older, this has naturally changed. They look around and they see their peers with much more than they have.

But I have realised this summer while approaching 43 and feeling utterly miserable and deficient, that my situation has led me to alcohol dependence escapism, depression and burnout. Also this summer I have realised the amount that my children’s peers do outside or inside of school and how much they are developing because of it: Clubs, music lessons, drama lessons, coding, sleepovers, day trips. I just don’t have the capacity to provide this for my three DC in the individual ways that they want and need it.

None of them know how to ride a bike. None of them have had an opportunity to learn an instrument. They’re all the poorest swimmers in their class because they never practice, only at school. All their friends go ski-ing at Easter and we stay home and go to the park every day. They want to do drama classes, but those classes are at different times per year group, and involves the nanny ferrying all three to one location and waiting with the other two on a bench while the one child gets their wish, and I am at work. The DC also have homework after school which takes around an hour. I don’t know how this works on top of clubs, hobbies, interests. I find hosting sleepovers and play dates hard as I don’t have the capacity to supervise 5 or 6 children in the house on a frequent basis, or to drop children back home to their places afterwards.

I feel deeply resentful of my situation and like I am letting my children down because I am putting them amongst peers whose parents have so much more capacity than I have. If I look at their class peers, there is one designated parent in each couple whose job is purely about the children: the driving around, school run school organisation, clubs, hobbies, the learning of life skills, tutoring, homework, the encouraging and developing of friendships. They are in the PTA and first in the queue for tickets to concerts, to put their child’s name down for opportunities that are time-based rather than paid for.

I have thought about giving up my job, moving and taking something different for employment but that would mean pulling them out of a school they actually like and no longer being able to support my parents. I feel trapped by the economic burden I have which only this current job seems to be able to service.

a question - it may seem obvious or stupid to you but please tell me how I can organise myself for getting my children into hobbies and clubs and how those after school hours should work? I know I will not be able to do it 100%, but how can I give my children more?

How do you manage to entertain the interests and hobbies of three children after school and at weekends who all want to do different things, have different finish times, who need drop off and pick up and kit and apparatus and follow up?

how do you communicate with children whose classmates go to ski chalets every Christmas and compete in show jumping every spring? How can I tell them we can’t do that? Or shall I just take them out of the school?

how do you organise the different and developing social lives of three children who have different friendships in different location and groups at different ages and stages?

is there some magic trick that I have been too manic to notice?

They go to private school and they have no opportunity for music lessons?

Why do you pay a full time nanny when your kids are at school? Could you not pay for two after school nannies/drivers to just ferry the kids around? I am so far from this life I have no idea if this is a thing but I’m intrigued.

No need to have 5 or 6 kids there- just one extra at a time. At this age (the older ones) it shouldn’t be a lot more work as they entertain each other.

Most of this should be covered by the school and the nanny.

One of the main benefits of a private school is the extra-carricular program offered. Music lessons, drama club, sports teams etc. Are none of these available at school?

Your nanny should be able to cover homework, playdates, days out in the holidays (and pick-up/drop off to summer activities) etc. For after school clubs try and find something that caters for a range of ages, I'm sure you can find a drama club where the 7 and 8 year old could be in the same class, for example. You can also look to share pick-up and drop-off with other families.

Also, if you live in London surely there is a coffee shop or similar near enough to the club location that the nanny can take the children not doing the club for a hot chocolate (and they can do their homework in the coffee shop) rather than just sitting on a bench for an hour?

It’s very normal for kids to sit around while their sibling is at an activity. So don’t let that be a factor.

In your shoes I would seriously consider changing schools to public so that you have additional funds to cover extra curriculars plus a holiday once a year. You can always look at private again when they are at high school.

I would ask the nanny to take them swimming once a week. They can all do that together. Then choose one activity each out of school. Do some research to find activities that the DC will like but which also work for you. Drama generally has kids of different ages in the same class. Can you find a music teacher who will come to your home? What about all doing park run together? I see lots of kids doing it with their parents.

I would aim to host one play date per child once a term. I have 3 DC and having 3 extra on the same day is manageable.

I'm a single parent, very far from your lpincome, but know the pressures of 3 DC and activities. I had a more regular full-time job though - you're working the equivalent of two full-time jobs a week! No wonder you're worn out and time management is tricky.

For swimming, look for local swimming clubs, not local authority lessons. In our area we had one offering easily morning lessons on a Saturday and Sunday - the club took over the whole pool and would have all the different and ability groups running at the same lesson time. Another sport operating in a similar way is Athletics - one trip, one session and different age groups unning within it.

Drama groups might put the older two in the same weekly session. Or look for small theatres and arts centres running 'play in a week' events in school holidays. I had children 3 years apart attending the same group for this. Also had a Saturday morning music school with all the age group classes and orchestras on at the same time. Getting a few lessons to begin with should help with this - enough to join a fun-level children's orchestra. But they also offered drumming, keyboards and choir, needing no previous experience.

Bike riding - there's probably a community Saturday course all could attend together to learn. Horse-riding, sailing etc, again clubs are the way to go as more likely to have wider age-group sessions at the same time, or look for family weekend courses to learn together (appreciate may not have the time).

It sounds as if your children are picking up on what their friends go to -the timings might suit their friends parents, but not you. If you work at finding the next level of/more exciting activities to suit your own plans, you might find other friends switching to join them.

As the children get towards teens it gets even harder, as they start to specialise. During school term time, would you be better to have a nanny working 7am to 9am and 3pm to 9pm? It's not unusual to have children hanging around waiting for another to do activities - just hang out in the reception area or a cafe, take colouring, books, play uno, snacks, homework etc.

Overall sounds as if you're doing a great job of supporting everyone and you have my sympathies in trying to coordinate this.

I think that you are in a whirl wind of putting yourself under pressure to achieve and now you are thinking your children need to achieve. I think you need to speak to someone to help you understand why you feel under this pressure and what you want from life and for your kids.
Its very tempting at your children's age to pack in as much as possible - I did the same but I didn't have the job you have - and I suspect that rather than have extra lessons your children would value spending more time with you.

Sorry, messed up word in first line should read income! (I should not let myself type in the early hours!) 😊

What do the children want? Would they swap school for state plus activities? Do they want to do all these activities?

Can the nanny change hours so she is there at the weekend?

What options do the school have? I know one of the schoos near me that has boarding has a sort of boarding option that isn't boarding.

Basically the children are at school from breakfast and stay after school to do prep and activities with the boarders, have their evening meal at school but then go home.

I had to get a job that was 6am-3pm. It was the only way.

First of all pay attention to the fact that these children all have a parent who works for money..and a parent who works for them!

Is there a reason why your nanny can't be ferrying them around? I actually thought that's a benefit of a nanny.

Same with after school activities at a private school - there are usually lots.

Your children are still young though. You can easily put them in a different school, it's a change but the change is easier today than tomorrow.

You sound like someone who has built an impressive career and is a very high achiever with a lorry load of high level skills. I think you have many options available to you that you're perhaps too busy to realise.

The main reason I'm replying is because of this I have realised this summer while approaching 43 and feeling utterly miserable and deficient, that my situation has led me to alcohol dependence escapism, depression and burnout.

Don't ignore this. Rather than children's activities, focus on getting yourself ok. Your children might love their school, but they love and need you. You have been doing too much for too long and if you don't feel it in, you'll have more serious problems. That is something you can't afford to have because you're a single parent.

The financial gulf your children notice will become greater as they get older. There are some good, really good state schools out there. The children would do far better in a state school with a healthy parent they see than around significantly wealthier peers who make them feel "less than". But it's not easy because you have dedicated your life to your work.

As for your parents, I think I'd be starting to warn them that you are having money problems (school fees will rise every year, no?) and wean them off. Unless they're living in a country that has no social security system and all children support parents. If they're in the U.K. I'd be looking at reeling it in. You are one person and you're being driven to alcohol misuse due to your pressures. No adult in this country should be accepting money from you!

What does your nanny do when your children are at school?

Instead of having someone full time get two afterschools?
Or an au pair? Someone who live at home and can be a "big sister" who sits at home while someone else is being ferried around?

I thought the point of having a Nanny would ve they they did the after school stuff for you?
Can you utilise any extended hours at school like a breakfast club to change to an after school nanny instead yo free up some funds?

From a Single adult household... (not a single parent, as DH works away instead of not bring together)... I cope with extra curricular with careful scheduling and meal prep.

There are a couple of nannies who do drop off/pick up in my ds's class. They are all responsible for after school clubs, helping the children with homework and even organising and supervising play dates. I thought that was the norm.

I have a dc in prep and she does some after school enrichment clubs there, and some that I take her to, and a couple on weekends. Doing the clubs on the school site makes it far easier as there's no ferrying around. I would have thought that most London preps would offer a decent range of clubs. With the out of school clubs we do, it could be possible to have siblings doing the same activities but probably in a different time slot, so they'd have to take turns waiting for each other. The 7 and 8yo could do the same slot, depends on the activities - ours are quite strict about sticking to academic year groups.

Lots of nannies are doing the ferrying, often with siblings in tow. It's the way most parents have to do it, single or not. You could put the other dc into the after school childcare club to save them having to be dragged along, but then they'd need to be collected by pickup time, which might be logistically impossible. Or you could hire a babysitter to stay home with them, just a couple of hours per week wouldn't be too much.

Holiday camps are a good way to sharpen up skills and also keep dc busy over the holidays. Look for skills based ones not just the holiday clubs where it's a bit free range and crowd control. You'll find pretty much every skill you'd want in London.

You can get 1:1 or 2:1 swimming lessons which can help make rapid progress, especially done as a daily holiday course.

They could also pick up some skills on actual holidays, some are very good with teaching eg watersports.